Don't Be A Complete Tool

MisManager:  You've been allowed to hire that new employee you were whining about.  Please stop scheduling her out of the office leaving your other girl by herself all day.  This still leaves me in a position where I have to try to cover their excess work.  Right now, I've got my own people's excess work to try to help with.  I really don't need this shit.

Dumb-ass Employee:  I don't work for you.  When you need help with something, just explain your need, don't present it to me as work I must do for you.  When I ripped your head off your shoulders today and slam dunked it down your throat, it wasn't a great feeling was it?  The punchline: she not only 'assigned' me work, but she gave me a deadline.  Um, I'm going to remind you that performance reviews are due in January and studies show that managers only really remember the previous 3 months.  You're in the danger zone, asshole.

Snooty Admin Lady:  It's a part of your job to make sure that the offices have the supplies they need to function.  It's not my problem that you didn't communicate that the ordering for this week needed to be completed before 11:00 this morning.  Getting all condescending with me because my ESP is broken might make you feel better, but at the end of the day, I still made you do extra work because you didn't think it was worth your time to pass the information along in a timely manner.  Biotch!

Dora The Explorer:  I don't understand you.  Stop trying to teach my kid Spanish when we struggle to follow your English, you shrill, mush-mouth asshat.

Office Supply Company:  Why in the world are the units on your packing slip broken down into decimals?  I was listed as ordering 2.0000 of something and 5.0000 of something else.  Next time I order from you, I'm making it a point to order 9.3829 reams of paper.  I want someone cursing my name while they sort that out precisely.

The Cold:  I didn't catch you, you caught me.  I don't want you.  I keep trying to get rid of you.  On purpose.  Quit stalking me like I'm Ryan Secrest. 

Mr. Awesomeness: I didn't insinuate this morning that I might want to catch some lunch before you took off with the car.  I outright told you that I need you to come get me at lunchtime, because I have no food at work.  I had to call your forgetful ass at 1:30, which was probably 2 hours after you ate your lunch, and I made you go get me lunch.  Starvation is not a part of my weight loss plan.

Chamomile Tea With Honey:  I love you.  You don't belong on this list.  I was just enjoying your company while I was typing this and your yumminess + sore throat relief fixed all my grumpiness.  Kind of counterproductive on this blog.  I'll forgive you enough to enjoy another cup.  Mmmmmmmmm.........