Don't Be A Complete Tool

After the last 2 weeks at work, I've had it up to my eyeballs with Employee Von Munchausen's shenanigans.  She is chronically "sick" (for attention - hence the Munchausen) and she calls in on days when we really need her the most.

The shit move she just pulled has permanently cemented her spot on the top of my shit-list.  I don't even want to work with her anymore.  The problem?

She intentionally fucked us all over for 2 whole weeks just so she wouldn't get fired.  Stay with me on this.

By the end of last year, she had proved herself so undependable that we needed to place her on a final "get your shit straight or you're fired" warning.  All we're asking is that she take care of herself so she doesn't miss so much work.  Rightfully, I hired her to work 40 hours a week.  I actually need someone to work those hours as we do have a lot of work to get done. 

The company we work for has a reasonable amount of sick time allotted to employees -- 6 days per year accrued at a 1/2 day every month.  You can take your sick time before it's accrued, but by the end of the year, they ask that you don't exceed the 6 days.  For the average employee, 6 days is more than enough.

EVM doubled that last year and that wasn't even including the 5 weeks of short-term disability leave that she took.  She was absent a lot last year.

The terms of her warning were that she not take her sick time this year before it accrued.  I knew this would be hard for EVM since she was "sick" on the 12th of every month (give or take a couple of days) for the entire first half of 2009.  I'm not kidding.  By April, I was calling that shit.

The Monday before last, she leaves me a voicemail indicating that she tweaked her back and it hurts so bad that she can't get out of bed.  I call her back to hear her coughing a lung out.  She needs to go to Urgent Care because she has a fever and can't stop coughing.  Really?  I asked her if she coughed so hard she threw her back out.  I wanted to make sure she understood that I picked up on her very drastic change of ailments.  Oh no, the back thing was something different.  "So is someone taking you to Urgent Care, because your back being out and all, I don't think you should be driving..." Yeah, I'm not letting that go, asshole.

Monday turns into Tuesday when now she "has walking pneumonia".  The doctors want her out for the rest of the week.

This last Monday she calls me again, "I'll be out for some time now.  My fever is out of control and it's not breaking so they want to do more tests on me."  Really?  I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm assuming that if you go the doctor repeatedly with pneumonia symptoms and high fever that lasts for more than a week and is "out of control", that they'll probably just admit you to the hospital.

So I asked her where she was calling from.  "Oh, I'm at home."  Were you admitted to the hospital and now you're home?  "No. I've just been on the phone with my doctor."  Your doctor's performing the tests over the phone? "No, he's sending me to the emergency room for testing."  They ... he ... what? Okay, our pediatrician did that with us when our daughter got sick, but we actually visited the office...  "Anyway, so I'm on my way to the emergency room and I won't be back this week at all."

I'm not stupid.  I know what's happening here.  EVM is taking some time off, but doesn't want to get fired.  I get that, but all she needs to take to qualify for Short-Term Disability is 4 days.  Why 2 weeks?

The only conclusion I've been able to reach (based on her very obvious and awkward lies) is that she couldn't get a doctor to sign off on her Short-Term Disability papers, so she had to keep ramping up her "symptoms" until she found someone.

Congratulations on your exploitation of the FMLA system.  In the meantime, EVM, I've been doing my job and your job for the last 2 weeks.  2 very nice people from other offices have also pitched in to help do your job for the last 2 weeks.  One of our sales employees has lost sales to also help cover your job for the last 2 weeks.  MISMANAGER actually got off her duff to help cover you during the first week.

I went back to work the day after having a wisdom tooth removed to help cover for you.  This was a much needed personal day that I cancelled.  This is also not to mention the fact that: 1) last Wednesday your absence left me as the only representative of our department in the office 2) I have strep -- like, real strep and also possibly an ear infection and then finally 3) *TMI ALERT* cramps from Hell.  I don't mean to overshare, but this was not the most stellar week for an undependable piece of shit to let me down.

I actually felt kind of bad for my uncharitable thoughts when she left me a voicemail Tuesday night explaining that she is being rushed to the emergency room because her heart is beating out of control.  Don't worry, it was short-lived, because Wednesday morning she calls me at work and says, "Guess what!  They gave me a shot and now I feel super!!  I'll be back to work on Monday for sure."  Really?  Just a shot?  What was in that miracle shot?  A dose of Reality or a Clue maybe?  You didn't get a miracle shot, you just got some lazy ass doctor to believe your lies and sign your papers, you douche.  When I asked her whatever came of the heart thing, I get, "Oh, they ran some tests and it turns out I was just stressed, but now I'm fine."  You were stressed that you wouldn't be able to get your papers signed, dickweed.

And then, just the final kick to the teeth, when I tell her that we're incredibly busy and I have to end our conversation she says, "I kind of want to feel bad that I couldn't be there, but I don't.  You know, I've gotta take care of myself."  Oh no, everyone knows you're looking out for #1 EVM.  There's no misunderstanding there.