Don't Be A Complete Tool

The week before last I didn't post because it was a fun week.  I actually enjoyed work.  It started out with EVM showing up late on Monday (in spite of her "miracle cure" shot), but then it just got better from there.  (Namely when she took off on vacation so I didn't have to listen to her bore our clients with the repetitive "I feel okay now...I'm just taking this one day at a time."  This isn't fucking A.A., you dumb attention whore.)

So what's my excuse this week?  I visited The United States of Zombieland.  Tuesday afternoon I was very suddenly overwhelmed by sinus pain and pressure (I'm not trying out for a Benedryl commercial, but I did put an employee of the company's kids through college this week.  You're welcome.) and by the end of the day, my eyes were swollen and my throat was closing.

I went home and immediately took 2 Benedryl.  Normally, I'm not one to take 1 of anything muchless 2, so I was basically in a coma within the hour.  The next morning I woke up and looked like this:


I knew it was going to be a horrible day when I went to make coffee and started pouring the coffee grounds into one of my son's bottles.  I also should have taken the hint when I: couldn't remember for a while how to turn the TV on, fell down the stairs, almost left the house with no shoes and locked my son in my room.

All of this screams: "CALL IN SICK, YOU IDIOT!!"  However, I have the opposite problem as EVM; I refuse to admit to being sick, or I'll admit it and severely downplay my symptoms.

I went to work for 6 hours before everyone told me to go home.  I've been feeling better since then, but I still don't have a voice.

So what do I do on my first of 2 days off?  I rested...

Fooled you!  I got up at 4:00 this morning and painted a fucking house.  Not just me, other people from my company, but what the hell was I thinking?  Around 10:00 my right ear stopped working.  I thought, "Huh, that's peculiar... I'm going to see if they have any good deals at Kohl's!!"  I think I have a mental disability.  Seriously.

By the time I was in the checkout line paying for about 25 items that I had to have (but couldn't describe to you now to save my life) my ear felt like it was about to rupture.  Seriously, I thought I was just going to hear a huge *POP* and my brains were going to splatter all over the bitchy lady in front of me. (I was aiming at her as best I could.)


I made it out of there alive (I should probably type it as "alive") and raced home, my ear brutally murdering the rest of my head the whole time.

Oh wait.  I didn't.

I volunteered to pick up lunch for everyone first.

Somebody help me.  I am a complete tool.

I almost forgot to say that I don't get paid to advertise for anyone.  As a matter of fact, I shelled out huge wads of cash to both companies mentioned in today's post.  It's kind of ass backward, but whatever.