Don't Be A Complete Tool

Yesterday it finally happened.  EmployeeVonMunchausen called up the head of our H.R. department to complain about me.  I've been expecting this for months and months, so there was no surprise that it actually happened.

I have a couple of rules for you to follow, EVM, the next time you want to lodge a complaint:

1. Make your lies even a little believable.  Calling up a lady that I've worked with for almost 10 years and telling her that I yelled at you in front of your coworkers is extremely unbelievable.  When I yell, I sound like someone stepped on a rabid chihuahua.  Sometimes, my voice also starts cracking like a teenage boy's when it's raised.  Yelling is something that embarrasses me more than it does you, so I don't do it.  I've never done it (at work).

This is not something that would ever be substantiated by anyone who's ever worked for me.  This is the important part for you to remember EVM, because when H.R. gets caught in the middle of a she-said-she-said showdown, they start interviewing other parties.

Crap, you're screwed.

2. I would highly recommend that one of your complaints about me not be how I didn't respond apologetically to you when you accused me of being just like your abusive father.

Oh yeah, it happened.  Twice.

The response I gave you, "That really offends me.  I'm not your father and I don't appreciate the comparison," was the only response you were getting.  Tough shit that you didn't like it; that's your problem, not mine.  You have no idea how much trouble you're in for that remark.  H.R. lady is offended that you would even say that to me.  So is MisManager.  MisManager's manager wanted to march into the office and throw you out on your ass.  Bodily.  I find it hilarious.

What does H.R. lady think of your complaints?  I quote:

"She is obviously mentally disturbed.  She knows that her job is in serious jeopardy and she's desperate to keep it."

Also, about your vague charges that I "treat you differently from everyone else:"

"It sounds like you reprimand her more than anyone else because she's the only one acting up..."

YES!  HOLY CRAP, YEEEEEESSS!!  Not that everyone else on my staff is perfect, but I haven't had to warn anyone else, in writing, 5 times in a year about their absences and tardies.  Actually, no other employee I've ever had in all the 8 years I've been a supervisor has racked up so many disciplinary warnings as you, EVM.  Too bad it's almost impossible for anyone to get fired at this company.

But....

But, EVM, you need to keep in mind that, after the first of the year, they're looking at doing some layoffs.  MisManager, MisManager's manager and H.R. lady are all involved in that decision.

So maybe you should forget these rules and keep up your insane assault.  I'm sure they need at least one easy decision when it comes time to decide who goes on the chopping block.