Don't Be A Complete Tool

I have been checked out for too long.  I got tired of writing in circles about the frustrating times at work.  I thought that, if I stopped giving myself a passive outlet for diffusing the majority of my anger, that I would learn how to focus it fully on what really matters: setting things right around the office.

Not so much.

What's that old maxim?  You can lead a horse's ass to water....or something.  For all my trouble, I am now an expert with reasoning with brick walls.

For best results, create your own audience of Papaya Guys.

So, I'm back with some of your old favorite characters: MisManager, EmployeeVonMunchausen and Jailbait.  Over the last few months, there have been some new additions to the happy family.  Meet:

SchoolGirl
I seriously love this girl to death.  MisManager is hellbent on hating her to death.  She goes to school on days and during times when MisManager wants her there the most -- no matter when her classes are.

CoffeeBitch
He's a good dude.  He probably deserves a better nickname, but I dubbed him this in his first post appearance.  He's studying to be a doctor right now.  Even after he gets his M.D., though, he will be Dr. CoffeeBitch.  That's how this works.

TruckStop
An unpolished girl with a heart of gold.  10k gold.  I think I like her best, because she's the only person I've ever met that can out-awkward me in a conversation.  That is extremely hard to do.

Goldfish (or 50-First-Days ... I haven't decided yet)
Our new security guy.  He has been on the job for over a week now.  I have explained his job to him every single day.  At least twice.  He still doesn't get it.  I wonder if he just likes the attention or if he's related to Dory.

Maybe his new nickname will just be Dory.  I'll choose by the next time I have to write about him.

Which should be tomorrow.

When a Cracked writer issues this warning...

Warning: Don't watch this video. Just fucking don't.

Read more: 6 Progressive Parenting Fads You Won't Believe Are Legal | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19344_6-progressive-parenting-fads-you-wont-believe-are-legal.html#ixzz1Tphf23bD

...pay attention.

I made it through 1:11 of this video before I couldn't look anymore.

Oh, and I highly recommend you don't watch this...unless you're a boxer and you need to psych yourself out to pound the shit out of someone.  Then it's okay.

This whole last week, I've been pissed off because Blogger wasn't working.  I kept getting an error message after logging in.  I was so sure Blogger had another meltdown.  Then, as time passed and there was no change, I thought, "I wonder what would happen if I tried to log in using a different browser..."

Fuck you Chrome.  If you don't like my blogs, you could at least have the decency to say something to my face.  We coulda talked this out like adults.  Hell, I'm stumped for material half the time anyway, so you and me, we coulda been partners.

But no.

You made your choice to fuck me over instead.  I don't even think I have anything to do with this.  I think you're just jealous because Blogger is getting more attention than you.  You know what?  You're both mediocre Google products.  That's a stronger common tie than Breakfast at Tiffany's.  You need to get over this and start talking to each other again.

There are times when it's hard to remember why Mr. Awesomeness and I work well as a couple.  Then situations like today occur and I know, without a doubt, the tie that binds us together:

We're both immature assholes.

This works when times are good or bad.  If we get pissed at one another, there is no depth to which we won't sink in order to dig at one another (which is why we typically choose to ignore one another completely -- it's just better that way).  When we're happy with one another, we gang up on other people.  Kind of like a Mega Dickhead Power Ranger.

I ordered some pizza today and the dude dropping them off was way....awkward.  Our Asshole Super Powers hone right in on that and it turns into the makings of our inside joke of the week

Awkward Pizza Dude: Well, looks like I've got a real feast for you!
Awesomeness: Yep, it's a lot of pizza. (Did he just call me fat?)
Awkward Pizza Dude: Are you going to be okay or do you need some help with that?
Awesomeness: Uh....I'm fine, thanks.
Awkward Pizza Dude: Well then, have a great weekend!
Awesomeness: You too!
**door closes**
Awesomeness: Oh no!  Help me hunky pizza man!!  This pizza is sooo heavy and I need a man to help me carry it.
Mr. Awesomeness: Sounds like someone's seen too many bad pornos.  He might have some delivery guy fantasies.
Awesomeness: *bow-chicka-wow-wow* You know, the pizza's not the only thing that's hot around here.
Mr. Awesomeness: Why don't I help you over to the counter there, miss.
Awesomeness: I wish there was a way I could thank you pizza guy....

This will go on for an entire week.

Thank you pizza delivery dude.  I wish I could repay you.  Oh wait, I did.  I gave you the tip.

Round two of the interviews occurred today.  There were two candidates for this round.  I was very optimistic about one of the applicants, because he seemed fantastic on paper.

Notice my careful wording.

We interviewed Mr. Amazing first.  He was very charming.  He smiled in all the right places and gave us great answers to all of our questions.  He absolutely lived up to my expectations.

So why won't I consider hiring him?

He made it clear in the interview that he would be completely dissatisfied if he's not promoted in 6 months to 1 year.  He even reinforced that sentiment by explaining that he left the last job he had in our field because they wouldn't promote him.

We had to wonder why.  He claimed that the department he wanted to work for was very exclusive, but that didn't quite ring true, in the way that we felt he was leaving something out.  The industry I work in is immensely diverse.  It's not unusual to have a few different career paths in mind.  Personally, I have 2 different roads I want to eventually go down.  I know that I'll get my opportunity to do that in the next 2-3 years.

There was no way that Mr. Amazing was going to be fast-tracked into a position he wasn't ready for.  I'm a tough manager to work for in that respect.  Heck, Jailbait worked for me for over 2 years before he got his first promotion.  This kid would be quitting before I could get his business cards ordered.

He was a peach compared to the second interview though.  I was lukewarm about interviewing this one, since he had an application that my 5-year old could have written.  You know, attention to detail is very important.  I tend to put my word snobbery aside when it comes to interviews, because not everyone is a writer.  Most of our communication is verbal; so long as you've got great verbal skills, you'll be fine.  Besides, they're working for someone who practically pees herself over the opportunity to proofread.

No, really.  Sometimes that's my proudest moment all day.

"Tell me about a time when you've had a positive influence on the actions of another person."

I guess in church.

"Did you join a youth group, or a counselling group....?"

Yeah, I work with kids.

"Well, that's terrific!  Is there one particular moment that you're proud of?"

There's one kid that we hang out with a couple times a week.  Ball games and movies and stuff.

Every question turned into at least 5 with this guy.  So verbal skills were a big time strike out.

MisManager and I both agreed on the first guy.  We couldn't give him what he was looking for.  I didn't mind passing on him, though, since he also explained he had his apps in at a couple of different companies.  He will be a good addition to their staff.

I expected that the "after talk" on the second candidate would be a short one.  The kid can't talk, he can't write.  Don't get me wrong, we were treated to a 30-minute air drum solo.  (Yeah, the guy's actually a drummer.  We asked.)  He kept an even rhythm the whole time.  I will give him that.

MisManager: Oh, I thought he was really sweet. I liked him a lot.  
Awesomeness: I have to disagree.  He could barely talk to us.  I think he would be out of his league in a job that required hours of face-to-face contact with clients.
MisManager: Well, he's a lot like Jailbait and you like him!
Awesomeness: I agree that he has the same "quiet" sensibilities, but Jailbait is very well-thought out and actually speaks very eloquently.  This candidate is just not skilled enough in communication to succeed in this position.  The difference between him and Jailbait is that Jailbait has the amazing ability to make the most of the few words he uses; and as for this guy, listening to him talk is painful.  I felt bad for asking him questions. (No really.  It sounds like every word is pulled from his throat with a pair of rusty pliers.)
MisManager: I disagree with you.  He reminds me so much of my son.  He's quiet too, but he's sweet and he has the best sense of humor...

So there it is.  You're getting pissy because I won't hire the kid that reminds you of your son.  Well, lady, if your son interviewed that poorly too, I wouldn't hire him either.  If the guy we had in front of us was a girl, you wouldn't even be considering it.

She's making me sleep on a decision I've already made.