Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Your Pants Are On Fire!

The one thing I hate worse than finding out that my anger at MisManager has been misplaced, is finding out I've been lied to.

It wasn't even a good lie.  Or even a necessary lie.  EmployeeVonMunchausen did not show up for work today.  It's a good thing I decided to.  After only 1-1/2 hours of sleep and a feverish preschooler, while I'm still battling a stomach bug myself, I almost called in.  But I didn't because I'm Wonder Woman's 2nd cousin twice removed or something.

At 5 minutes late, I call MisManager thinking EVM just called into her.  Hmmmmm.  Her phone goes straight to voicemail.  That's peculiar.  I thought she had the thing hard-wired to her brain.  At 10 minutes late, I called Employee.  "'re not coming in today?"  "No, I already told MisManager."

Oh!  MisManager, you're in my doghouse again!  I even told her that.  She started apologizing that she had just turned her phone on for the day and she was sorry that she missed my call then asked....

What's going on again?

Uh, the employee who called in sick...would've been nice to know.

Gosh!  I can't believe she called in again!  This is completely ridiculous.

Mmmmm....she didn't call you did she?


An hour after the conversation in which she explained to me that she'd already spoken with MisManager, she TEXTED her.  Well, that's just stupid.  Texts record time.  EmployeeVonMunchausen recorded a text-in time of 9:19.  Her scheduled in time: 8:15.  The time of our conversation 8:25.

I've always sucked at math, but I could swear that 8 came before 9.  Unless she's somehow discovered the secret to time travel and I'm just in the reality that existed first -- the one in which she hadn't yet gone back in time to speak with MisManager -- she's totally busted. 
Monday, December 14, 2009

Oh Yeah, It's Over All Right...

The vacation.  I want it back.  You remember the employee who was driving me up a damn wall?  The one I was hoping MisManager would send to another office so she would not get stabbed in the head by the daggers I was shooting out of my eyes all day long at her?

Why don't you send the employee who is driving me up a fucking wall right now?  That girl can't listen for shit and I'm about to kick her butt up in between her ears if she doesn't quit pissing me off.  You'd be doing us both a favor to get her out of my face.
MisManager must read my blog because there she is helping the other staff out.  Thank goodness.....

Or not.  I have to write her up.  Not only did she fuck up something stupid so completely that it messed up 3 other people's work, but she fucking lied to us about it.  Are you shitting me kid? (Kid.  She's 10 months younger than me.)  She seriously thought that no one at that office would bother to tell me or the ManAger (Oooo I like that one.  I'm keeping it.) about her stupid, dick move?

Then...THEN, she came back to help us while I was gone and pretty much pulled the same dick move.  This girl has been working for me for 2 years.  It's not like she hasn't had plenty of training.  She's got a Bachelors Degree related to the work that we're doing and is working on her Masters.  She's not an idiot.

Oh.  Edit:  She's not an idiot?

Also, as if that's not enough to make me want to drive across town and check her into a wall, she decided to issue an "All Staff" memo while I was gone.

I'm sorry.  I must have forgotten that I promoted her to Supervisor....

Nope.  No I didn't. Promote her, that is.

Then, surely, MisManager asked her to put that out because she didn't have enough time to relay the message?  Nope.  MisManager was not even copied on the memo.  She read it for the first time when I asked her why key pieces of information were left out.  I was also very curious how the phrase "...if the guy so much as stamps a foot in here..." made it into a professional communication.

(As an interesting side story, the memo was a security warning about a crazy dude who came into the office with a bullet and a samurai sword last week.  He told JailBait "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill anyone."  Creeeeeeepy! The cops were called.)

So far MisManager has been saving her from my impending doom.  This time, I'm getting my way.  Her teeth and her colon are about to become acquainted.  Well, just in my head, but it counts.
Saturday, December 5, 2009

Let's Go! Let's Go! LET'S GOOOOOO!

Oh, fuck you, dude.  I just woke up 10 minutes ago.  My coffee just finished brewing; I haven't even had a cup yet.  The kids haven't eaten breakfast.  You're already up my ass about showering to leave the house. 

I understand your philosophy of 'the earlier you leave, the earlier you get back', but I just frankly don't give a shit when I get back.  Today's the first day of my vacation and I don't want to kick it off with a mad rush for the door right when I first wake up.

The entire work week I'm running out the door, flying to work, kicking ass and taking names while I'm at work, rushing back home and then scrambling to get the kids fed and asleep.  The last thing I want on the weekends is to carry on that craziness.

We're not on a schedule, we can run our errands whenever we damn well choose.  Slow 'er down there and let me finish my coffee before you end up getting a crack-addicted badger thrown at you.

Oh.  I'll do it.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Skeleton Crew

Our offices run on skeleton crews.  When times are lean, like now, it makes sense -- in a way -- to not waste your resources on staffing you most likely don't need.  I got it.

What I don't get, MisManager, is why you think that we can spare 2 of our staff members to work at another office.  Ske-le-ton. Crew.  It means we're already working with the minimum of what we need to operate.  Yes, the other office is in worse shape than we are.  For a lot of reasons.

What I also don't understand, is why you need my Lead employee.  I'm facing an assessment right now (someone is auditing the documents in the office) and I'm going on vacation next week.  Yesterday, I had to beg you to give me one day with her before I leave.  Your answer: "I'll see what I can do."  What!?  Just pull her, dumb ass.

Why don't you send the employee who is driving me up a fucking wall right now?  That girl can't listen for shit and I'm about to kick her butt up in between her ears if she doesn't quit pissing me off.  You'd be doing us both a favor to get her out of my face.

There are a total of 10 offices in our district.  Why is it that we're this other office's only hope?  Grow a set when you're talking to your boss and explain to her that this is too much of a hardship for us to carry alone.  It's not like she's an unreasonable person.

Please stop making it our problem that they can't just hire some more people on.  It's not like there's a lack of qualified candidates in the job market right now.  Maybe you should bring this point up to your boss.  The fact that you can't throw a rock without hitting someone desperate for a job should be apparent to her, so "your" plan of "um, just fucking hire someone already so I can have 1/4 of my staff back" should win you some brownie points for cleverness.

This would be a lot more clever than a) bombing an assessment because we're all too busy to pull the work they're requesting or b) lessening our office's effectiveness or client management.

Holy crap.  Why are you in management again?