Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Just Kidding!!


You know....I don't really get the unfunny kidding thing. Maybe I'm the asshole, but jokes should make people laugh.

Like, other people, not just the teller of the "joke."

Employee: Can you look at my work I'm doing for CrazyClient to make sure it's correct?
Awesomeness: Yeah, sure!
:checks over notes of all work, looks thorough:
Awesomeness: Looks good. Have a good day Mr. CrazyClient.
CrazyClient: Aren't you going to make sure his notes correspond to what's in the computer?
Awesomeness: Uh, no. I'm just going to make sure that he's logging all of his work.
CrazyClient: But what happens if he isn't correct.
Awesomeness: That's a serious concern, but Employee has been consistently accurate in the past. If, for whatever reason, an issue arises, I will accept full responsibility and fix it.
:CrazyClient laughs and pounds the counter:
CrazyClient: Jesus! I was kidding....
Awesomeness: ...........................:crickets:........................Okay, have a good day.

That dialog was incredibly boring. There was no reason for me to believe that any of that was a joke. We're not really in a business where mistakes are taken lightly either.

When you wanna make me laugh CrazyClient, say something like this instead:

A guy walks into a
bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
Saturday, July 25, 2009

And Now.......A Bitch Break

Also known as a Simper Session or a Waaaaaahbinar. I've had a rough week and I'm totally holding you all hostage.

Monday: I come into work to learn that we're still having ongoing issues with our equipment, our phone lines went down, some of our locks need to be re-keyed, some parts of our outdoor facilities are falling apart and one of my employees blew up our toaster oven. Oh, by the way, it's cultural diversity week! Can I bring something for lunch that reflects my cultural heritage? Oh sure! I'm Irish, so I'll just bring a bushel of potatoes and some whiskey.

I go home to find that my son is being allowed to take late naps. Spectacular! I don't need sleep anyway.

Tuesday: I thought that soda bread and potato soup would be easy enough to make and transport. They are the easiest things in the world to make when you don't have a screaming 11 month old clinging to your pants. I scalded myself twice on the soup trying to find a suitable container to transport it in. I finally had to settle on Ziploc baggies. Fancy Schmancy. I get the soup to work, where I spill it all over myself and the floor. Hope no one actually wanted soup.

Manager decided to yell at my entire staff this morning for something only one of them did. That's always great for morale. Toaster Oven Employee lost important client paperwork. For the second time in a month. Same client, same paperwork. Office equipment is broken again. Locks still aren't re-keyed because, no matter who I call, it seems to be some other guy's job.

We pick up GrumpyGirl from preschool and she has a weird rash on her knees that we just dismissed after a while as rug burn.

My son is late napping again.

Wednesday: Both kids are screaming bloody murder this morning. Baby boy just wants his Mommy, the girl doesn't want to be awake at 6:30 in the morning, but we need to take her to school. We get her all the way in to school just in time to notice that she's broken out into a head-to-toe rash. I guess it wasn't rug burn.

I go inside to ask her teacher what she ate yesterday and I learn that she didn't eat anything unusual. I also learn that the lady I thought was her teacher (because she's in the classroom with the kids every morning) is actually a kitchen employee. Now I'm pissed but I don't have time to get to the bottom of the teacher mystery.

I have to call into work so I can take her to the doctor. My manager is upset because it's just inconvenient timing. I'm sorry, I'll reschedule the rash for Thursday. Tool.

Hubby and I carpool and we live an hour away from work. He has work to do that he can't get out of. So I have to drop him off (he also has to take Rashy for a moment), run into my work real quick to make sure the building won't spontaneously combust, go back to his work to pick up The Rashster, drive all the way back home. Feed Sicko some lunch, throw her back in the car, drive all the way back in to pick him up, drive in to her doctor.

After all that work, what news do we get from the doctor? A virus. Just some mystery virus. If it doesn't clear up in a week, let her know.

Little boy decides to stay awake until midnight and then only sleep until 4:30.

Thursday: Locks are finally re-keyed. Yaaaaaay! All of our computers are intermittently going offline. Boooooooooo! The 2 things that I handed off to other people the day before were not done, so my manager had to step in and guess who she's mad at for it.

Manager, once again, seizes the opportunity to change procedure while I'm gone. I have to take 3 meetings and make 7 phone calls to sort that mess out.

Today is the launch of a new electronic delivery system for our client documents. This is supposed to save the company millions of dollars. That's great, because now it's causing my staff to have to work twice as hard. To get ready for the new system, the tech team came out the day before and replaced our server. Now my printer doesn't work. No one will be able to fix it until Monday.

Baby Boy stayed up and SCREAMED. BLOODY. MURDER. until 1:00.

Friday: Sicko Girl puked all over her room.

One of our business partners decided to move into our office. He was supposed to come last week, then changed his mind, then he was supposed to come Wednesday, but he changed his mind again. This time, he came with files. He's a fussy nightmare. He bikes into work, which in Phoenix means he stinks to high heaven. He complained that we don't have a shower. Show of hands, who all has a shower at their work?

He's a vegan. I don't really care what his food preferences are, but he's already expressing his concern that we're keeping animal bi-products in our breakroom. That's going to happen dude, the rest of us are meatitarians. He's my tool for this post.

My inlaws decided to come for a surprise visit. They were waiting for us when I got home. Of course, hubby decided to cut out of work early to hang out with his friends, so I had to deal with them alone.

The high point: I managed not to drink myself into a stupor last night. :pat on the back:

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Oh I'm So Grateful.....Wait, I'm NOT!

It would just be so much easier Ms. Mess, if you would just let me know what the hell you actually want. You came in with a problem and asked for our help. Awesome SuperStaff Friends to the rescue!!

In today's episode of the Awesome SuperStaff Friends:

And what can we help you with today, ma'am?

I'm an idiot and screwed up. I don't know my elbow from my asshole, but I heard that you are the right people to help me figure it out. Save me!

It would be my pleasure ma'am. That's why we're here.

By the way, how much does this cost?

(after some calculation) Almost nothing!


No, almost nothing.

I don't really want to pay that, I want to pay...nothing.

Okay.....we can authorize 1/2 off under special circumstances. Do you meet X, Y and Z criteria?

Ohmygod! I totally do!!

Terrrrrrrrific. Half off for you then.

Wow, you're so nice. Thanks so much SuperStaff. You're my hero. Let's run hand-in-hand through a poppy field singing "Kumbaya."

Ten minutes later, Miss Manager shows up and flattens the building with her GloomRay:

Manager: Ms. Mess just came by my office. She's very upset that you didn't offer our services for free.

Awesomeness: Was I supposed to?

Manager: Oh hell no. She wanted me to give her back her fee, but I told her to eat shit and die. I'm actually not too happy that you gave her a discount. I'm just telling you because listening to the sound of my own voice is a hobby of mine.

Awesomeness: Well, good to know. Feel free to speak at length about things that we can't possibly change.

Manager: You know I will. Otherwise, your blog would be even more boring.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's show when Manager tries to fix an unbroken situation by using passive manipulation.

Oh wait, that was today.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Turn Lane Twit

I know, I know. I've been quiet and now I come back with some lame traffic annoyance. Work and the kids are taking turns kicking my ass right now, so this is what you get.

A major intersection near our work is one of the most dangerous in the country. Why? Because idiots like today's tool doesn't understand the rules of turning. This asshole HAS to go to McDonalds and he's apparently late to work or something.

I'll give him credit for actually utilizing the turn lane. I'll give him even more credit for not driving in the turn lane. How did he lose all of his cool points? Picture this:

We're driving eastbound in the left-most driving lane.
He's facing westbound in the turn lane having a Macattack. There is one car trying to turn ahead of him.
The guy in front of TLT (who is no less a tool than TLT) goes all kamikaze and cuts across 3 lanes of early morning Phoenix traffic to dive into the McDonald's parking lot.
We slam on our brakes a little to avoid major battle damage.
TLT thinks this is an indication that we are stopping to let him go also, so he starts to turn into us.
We're well past the point where we can actually stop, so we have to keep going.
TLT honks at us. Because we're assholes for driving in the driving lanes and blocking him from getting his McLatte.

Seriously? You're jonesing for a McGriddle that bad that you'll try to take out anyone in your way.

I'm going to put together a commission to find what kind of crack they're slipping into McDonald's food that their patrons have to resort to these tactics to get their morning fix. Who's with me?
Monday, July 13, 2009

Reminder: Use Birth Control Before Entering Pool

Magdalena Kwiatkowska, I don't want to be mean and all, but your daughter's a lying skank. You're suing an Egyptian hotel because you honestly believe that your 13-year old daughter got pregnant by swimming in the pool there?

Well, if you believe that, maybe I can interest you in your very own acre of land on the moon. Parcels are going quickly. Act fast!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Third Time's A Charm

Today is my husband's and my wedding anniversary. We decided to celebrate with a little lunch. Uh, no, we absolutely do not ever learn. We're stubborn that way.

The restaurant we decided on is directly across the parking lot from The Restaurant Who Shall Remain Nameless. Booth? Highchair and booster? No problem! We didn't even ask for a booth this time (this restaurant has a good, solid table set-up with nice, wide chairs that will safely accommodate a booster) and we got one anyway.

We didn't even care that our waitress completely screwed up both mine and hubby's order. Somehow, "Three Sauce Fajita Burrito" turned into "three enchiladas". From listening to the conversation at the table next to us, this is a pretty routine thing for this girl. One of them got the wrong entree twice because she couldn't get it right.

I didn't care. Why? Two Margaritas. Yep. At noon. I'm a light weight, so that would be the equivalent of 5 Margaritas for pretty much anyone else.

Then I went chair cover shopping. Yeah, drunken chair cover shopping. Watch out for me!

We went into the first store,a department store, and there was a family walking by us on the way out. They were, what had to be, a Grandma/Mom/Granddaughter combo. Just at the moment we were walking past, Grandma turns to Granddaughter and blurts out, "Stay out of the bras and panties."


Granddaughter was probably around 8 or 9 years old, so we were kind of puzzled why this would be an issue. Then, because we're complete assholes, we couldn't stop making fun. The next store we went into:
"Stay out of the bras and panties."
"Stay out of the condoms."
"Stay out of the anal beads."
"Stay out of the little girls' panties."

I'll own up to being the tool in this one.
Thursday, July 9, 2009

Your Kids Are A Fire Hazard

I had to leave the house today. I was going insane. We decided to push our luck and try a restaurant again for the second time in a week.

We ended up at a restaurant that hates children. I mean, I'm not sure that they do, but I'm feeling melodramatic right now, so for the sake of this blog post: they roast unruly babies in the kitchen and then stuff them with pickled puppies.

Before they seated us we explained to them that we would need 3 things: a booster seat, a high chair and a booth. The hostess said, "Sure, we can do that!" then proceeded to lead us to a table.

"I'm sorry, we said we needed a booth." I thought she maybe didn't hear me the first time. I was wrong. She just ignored me. The actual response we get was: "Oh, I know, but we can't have a high chair at a booth. It's against fire code."

Oh reeeeeeeeeeeally? I know I've gotten a high chair at a booth at that same restaurant. So maybe the fire code has recently changed. I dunno. I also get a high chair at a booth in other restaurants that I go into. Maybe they just have wider aisles in between their tables. Maybe they ignore fire code. I'm a reasonable person and I can understand that that circumstances change from time to time and from place to place.

So what the hell's my problem? I have 3:

  1. She heard us at the entrance, but drew us all the way to the back of the restaurant before explaining to us that we would not be able to have both a high chair and a booth. My little girl was hungry and didn't understand why we had to leave. She cried.
  2. Why didn't we just take the table and put the booster on a chair? I mean, gee, it seems reasonable. Until you see their chairs. They're small and rickety and not as wide as the booster. If we put our kid in a booster on one of those things, I would estimate at least a 78% chance that she would have fallen off or toppled the chair. She's a normal, active 3 year old.
  3. There was an adult sitting in the aisle on the table side. Why is this person not a fire hazard, but my kid in a high chair is? It can't be about the person in the chair, because if a fire breaks out the adult will not courteously tuck the chair in before running for the door in a panic. Hypocrites.

Say goodbye to our business forever R.I.P Thursdays.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Twittering Twats

In my quest to stave off boredom while avoiding everyone on the planet, I decided to check out what sort of vacuous drivel I could find on Twitter. It seemed like a good enough place to find crap to make fun of. The names, of course, will be omitted for their own protection.

What are you doing right now?

  • "My shirt tails are too long." I'll get right on that sir.

  • "While listening to a mix of a song in e minor I accidentally launched a song in iTunes in e flat major. Was very confused for a second." Gah! I hate it when that happens.

  • "Taco Tuesday" Much better than Menudo Monday.

  • "rain rain go away...Drew" This actually reads like a Wheel of Fortune "before and after" category. (Rain, rain, go away/Go away Drew. Po po Drew.)

  • "Omg if one more ask me do I play ball. Imma start tellin people I swam in the olympics with mike phelps." Yeah, but do you play ball? Seriously, you're just some random dude who does in fact play ball. What the hell are you talkin about? Imma boo you when your games come on now.

  • "My ears got boners from this record...." Link omitted - I don't want people getting ear boners from anything they come across here.

  • "Getting a little frustrated. Can never open a pot and get taken off every hand. Not cool. Table is not cooperating with me" OMG! Samesies!!

  • "Wow-just sitting at home and heard a "star tour" bus go by my house and insult me over a loud speaker-think i'll put nails out tomorrow." If you knew who this was, you would understand why I'm cruelly laughing my ass off right now.

  • "So...I have kind of an awesome announcement to make in the very near future. Probably within an hour. I have to stop jumping around, first." Why not now? I mean, you're already online and writing. Stop jumping around and just spit it out TOOL!

  • "Woke up late- missed the memorial coverage- didn't miss the premiere of taylor swift's new video- guess today isn't a complete waste." Says who? Your life is sadder than mine if your big accomplishment of the day is watching some shitty country video. (What's even funnier: this is the same person as "bus tour whiner". Bwahahahahaha!)

  • "Dear underpants elastic: I see what you did there. Message received." I don't even want to know what that means. TMI honey.
Sunday, July 5, 2009


People join them for various reasons. I think that the overall attraction to these internet sites is to connect with a broader range of people who are share your interests. Coming in at a close second is to piss people off for the sake of your own amusement.

I happen to belong to the best forum on the entire WWW, but I'm kind of a newbie in general to the whole concept of talking to strangers online. Some of the rules that are in place for the other forums that I've lurked on make sense. Their purpose is to make sure that none of their members have to be subjected to flaming troll asshattery and that is understandable.

Some rules, however, make me cringe and appreciate my extremely laid back, freedom of expression loving board all that much more. Some of the rules that I've seen on other forums that I am guilty of breaking daily:

  • Before posting, please ask yourself the following question: "Am I making a post which is either funny, informative, or interesting on any level?" (Well, sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.....sheesh!)

  • Keep all images work-safe. (In all fairness, I'm not the worst, but I have posted up some stuff that makes you wish for instant sight sanitizer. Like you'd be happy if J from Men In Black could just flashy-thing the last few seconds away bad.)

  • Catchphrases in general. Just because somebody else wrote something humorous does not necessarily mean if you do the same thing then you will be humorous. (Aw, come on! When did running jokes become a bad thing?)

  • Do not place foul language in thread subjects. (Fuckin' ooops! The "F" word is not my favorite word or anything, but I'm not going to try to pretend that it's not in my vocabulary.)

  • One word posts are most likely to be deleted whenever I see them. (Yikes....sometimes my posts contain no words....)

  • Use descriptive titles when you start a thread. (The last thread I started: "What the hell is going on?" Not real descriptive, but it's about the sudden increase in unexpected deaths of famous people. I was just at a loss for words. Still am. RIP Steve McNair.)

  • You can be silly, but try not to be pointlessly silly, especially by starting pointless threads or by adding one-line comments like "me too!" or "Yeah!". (I would be banned from this forum on day 1. I guess you have to get overly imaginative if you would like to concur with someone. Also with the "starting pointless threads": some of the boards themselves are pointless, so how are you supposed to start a meaningful thread?)

  • Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language, rude comments and innuendo. (It's unfair to lump using crude or sexually explicit language or innuendo with rude comments, threats and personal attacks. The first set has their time and place. The second set has their own time and place: right before a boxing/wrestling match.)

  • ...submit replies that are relevant to the topic of discussion. (Ooooh, yeah, I'm really guilty on this one. Good thing my forum tolerates this. The reason I have a problem with this one, is that it isn't conducive to the natural flow of conversation.)

Overall, I know that there are millions of assholes in the internet sea and that people will start these forums with the reasonable expectation that they would actually have a "normal" conversation regarding their subject of choice. I have suggestions for a few rules that I haven't seen that would make more sense:

  • If your comment must be moderated by Admin, it will be changed to "I like pudding!"

  • If you complain about personal attacks where there clearly aren't any (read: I'm being a whiny attention whore who thinks everything's about me), we will start a thread dedicated to real personal attacks on you.

  • Overuse of anagrams (BRB, LOL, ROFLMAO) will get you sent back to elementary school Billy Madison style. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Occasional use will be tolerated FWIW.

  • Huge blocks of type are hard for the ADHD set to process. Please start a new paragraph every once in a while. Especially if you have 105 lines of type in your message.

  • Beating a dead horse will result in some goons showing up at your doorstep to beat you like a dead horse.

Vacation From Tools

Okay, so I'm on day 2 of my vacation and I'm purposefully avoiding any possible place where I could potentially run into some tools. (Read: I haven't left the house.) This is good for my sanity, but bad for a blog about tools. To fill the void until I actually leave my house, (which could take a while) I'll just toss out some random stuff that I hope will entertain everyone until people start pissing me off again.
Thursday, July 2, 2009

Competitor's Ads

We're in some pretty lean times right now. I'm not going to begrudge anyone the opportunity to save some money while buying necessary items for their family. Everyone's gotta do what they've gotta do to save a buck.

What they don't gotta do is grab the local grocer's ad and their BFF, and hit Wal-Mart to do some price fighting. You did though, you dumbass. You even got all dolled up for the occassion. You know, 'cuz it's really important when you hit the ole Wally World to look your best. You never know when you'll run into the fucking Queen of England. (Actually, you probably stand a good chance of running into the Fucking Queen of England.)

I had to stand in line behind you and your enabling pal for almost 15 minutes checking out your 2 carts of groceries. Everything -- no exaggeration -- that was in your cart got disputed. "No, no, no! This ad says that these hot dogs are $1.25." (I have no idea what prices she was actually quoting, I was too busy thinking death at her.)

The cashier was very polite (I know! At a Wal-Mart?! Good for her, eh?) and patiently pointed out that this particular grocery store specifies exact products and exact weights for the items that are on their ad. Most of their items are store brand only. The meat that you're trying to buy has a weight limit that's clearly printed under that picture thing you seem to want to concentrate on.

The thing that was really pissing me off about your shenanigans: the grocery store whose ad you were exclusively shopping from is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET! Walk your ridiculous ass over there and hold up someone else's line you dumb cow!