Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Awesomeness
You will be blinded by my awesomeness.
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Monday, June 29, 2009

Cover Songs



I like a good cover version of a song. I actually once spent and entire week-long vacation hunting down different cover versions of songs that I enjoy. Some of the covers I found were kind of crazy, but still were enjoyable as a different spin on an old favorite.

I also found some real bottomfeeder fodder that make you want to hunt the people down and instantly vaporize them on behalf of all musickind.

Then you get the old guys who are desperately trying to attract younger fans by singing more contemporary songs. You fail at everything but failing old dude.

(Even though, in all fairness, some old dudes are/were just cool as hell no matter what.)

Today I listened to a crap-ass cheap imitation of Ann Wilson followed by an unnecessary shit-tastic butchering of of a (I can't believe I'm typing this) Wham! song. The inspiration for this post -- which, incidentally, may not have a real point. I thought it was just fair to warn you.

Please pay attention TuneTrashingTools:

To the band on the Musak at work that covered Operator: this is a poignant and reflective song. The tempo that Croce set is bouncy enough. I shouldn't feel happy for his best ol' ex friend Ray.

To the entire country music universe: Piece of My Heart should not be twanged.

To commercials: Commercial jingles are not that hard to write. Enough with the laziness that leads to giggly girl-types squeaking out Twisted Sister to sell me birth control pills. Ooooohhh....I really hate that one. I'm not gonna take it anymore bitches.

Kid Bop. This is 40 billion different kinds of awful. (Link is not for the actual Kid Bop, but KB is almost that wrong.)

American Idol: Maybe asking these kids to "make the songs their own" is beyond their grasp and the result is ear-splitting. Please stop. I mean, not that I watch or anything.... *cough*
Thursday, June 25, 2009

Pink Eye



Son-of-a-bitch. You have pink eye. You know you have pink eye. You came into work anyway. WITH PINK EYE!


Now, I know why you did it. I'm not a stupid tool. After today, you'll be out of sick time for the year and subject to disciplinary action. You needed me to send you home so, if we decided to write you up, you could complain that you didn't have the choice to stay. Of course I'm going to send you home without a choice, you have gawdamn pink eye. I'll give you your personal day, you conniving jerk. Just keep your stinkin' cooties at home.

What're you going to bring to work next? Head lice? Scabies? I've always wanted to pass a little ringworm around the office. I can't wait to find out.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Support Stupidity



I thought I needed some assistance today from a "support" department. Apparently I just needed to talk to someone's voicemail, get an answer from someone who couldn't possibly help me (even though I left a detailed message), then to get transferred to someone whose phone line wasn't working. It went a little something like this:

Me: "Wow! I need some help with this. This is a job for the people at 1-800-DUMBFUX."

.......... dialed 1-800-DUMBFUX

.......... "press option 1 for generic department that can help you"

.......... okay option 1 it is

.......... "press option 3 for specific people you need"

.......... oooohh, almost there!

.......... Thank you for calling The DUMBFUX, you've reached the voicemail of Mona Won'tAnswerThePhona. My office hours include the time of your call, but I'm busy helping more important people. If you need immediate assistance, please dial 1-800-DUMBFUX then press option 1 and option 3 -- or hang up, crawl under your desk and cry - you're beyond help. BEEEEEEP!

.......... Hey Mona, this is Awesomeness from Awesomeville. I need your help with Specific Customer with Exact Account Number. They have [this detailed thing] going on. I would try to reach another person in your department, but the instructions you give in your voicemail are what I followed to get to your voicemail. Call me back at My Phone Number.

20 minutes later....


.......... Hi Awesomeness, this is Nelly KnowNothing. I didn't even listen to your message, but I'm returning your call anyway. I'm going to transfer you to someone who can help you. What do you need?

.......... Um, Nelly, I appreciate the return call, but I was courteous enough to give you all the information you needed to help me in the voicemail. What part of that do I need to repeat for you? (Yeah, I'm not real popular with the support people. No wonder they jerk me around.)

.......... Well, Awesomeness, quite frankly, my job is to return phone calls to Mona's voicemail and I typically do this without putting myself out by actually being proactive and listening to them. I pay attention for the name and number and tune out the rest of the message. So, what do you need again?

.......... I need to talk to Mona. Hence the message. Maybe if Mona listens to her own voicemail, she'll understand what I need and help me out.

.......... Hahahahahahahaha! Don't hold your breath. I'll let you in on a little secret: Mona hasn't actually worked here for about 3 years. We're just too lazy to change the voicemail. I'm going to transfer you to someone in another state who works in a department that is totally unrelated to your purpose for calling. Okay?

.......... No. I...

.......... *click* *ringing*

.......... MUTHAFUCKA!!!!

.......... *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* *ringing* (this ringing goes on for infinity)


Obviously, some of this conversation was my interpretation sprinkled with some imagination, but the outcome was the same. Also, I never did get the help I needed.

Twice a year, my company sends out a survey about the effectiveness of it's support people. I'm naming names for these tools. (Again, why I have no friends.)
Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Inlaws




It was just a matter of time before you all made an appearance here. You were both warned this morning that our girl was sick. Hubbs suggested that you all meet Grandma on the porch today. Normally, he says that crap because he's hornery and ... well, he doesn't care to visit with you. Today, it was suggested because we're not sure that she's not contagious, plus we're not up for company.


Not only did you ignore that request, but you made youselves at home and stayed for an hour. You didn't have anything in particular you wanted to say. As a matter of fact, you seemed to want to go on about how my kid can't go anywhere because she's sick. Yup, she's sick. Go away now.


You wanted to discuss your upcoming move that you conveniently scheduled over the holiday weekend. Fuck you crazy assholes! We are not helping you move over the Fourth of July weekend. Are you out of your little minds?


The day after that is hubby's birthday. We're not going to spend it partying at your new house in Hicktownnowhereburg with Father-In-Law's "fishing" buddy and Grandma's demented friend and her ready-to-die floor pisser dog.


Then you start asking if we're going to come visit you in August. Maybe, but you're talking about all of us EXCEPT MY DAUGHTER sharing a room. What the hell is that all about. You're getting a little weird. We've got 2 Pack N Plays for a reason. We'll just bring them both and all sleep in the same room. Thank you very much.


Now you've got my little girl riled up thinking that she's going somewhere and she's crying herself out. She doesn't need this. Next time just stay in the car and Grandma can come out to you.
Thursday, June 18, 2009

Preschool People


My kid loves going there. Her experience at your place is apparently so great that she screams like we're kidnapping her when we go to pick her up. So what's my problem?

Well, she spends all day with one of your teachers. That teacher routinely writes up notes to let parents know what our kid's been doing during the day. One section is designated for telling us what her disposition was during the day. When we pick her up, her disposition is listed as "teary". Why?

There's also a section for personal comments. It says, "Have a great day! :)" Oh. That's helpful. Not quite as helpful as actually writing comments to let us know why our kid turned on the water works.

Of course, the teacher leaves before we come to pick her up, so now we have to wait until the next morning to find out what happened. Can the front desk staff tell me anything? Hell no. They said, "Well, she's teary because she doesn't want to go home." Yeah, right now she is, you dumb cow.
Monday, June 15, 2009

Voicemail Snafu Kid




Today was a new low for poor Internet/Toothless/Job's-A-Hobby employee. I almost feel bad for blogging about him so complete strangers can laugh at his complete toolness, but then I would have nothing else to blab about.


I have 3 people on staff on Mondays. 2 of them called in sick today. I called ITJE (I really need to come up with a cool nickname for him) and left him a message asking if he'd like to pick up some extra hours. He called back about 2 hours later to say that he was visiting a friend in another county 2 hours away and couldn't come. Bummer. Who cares? I got things under control. The power of my awesomeness is mighty.


About 3 hours later, I take off for lunch and I have a voicemail on my personal cell phone. From him. Huh? I just talked to him. Did he change his mind?


Nope. He left me a message that said: "Hey, this is FirstName LastName. I'm not going to be able to meet with you today after all because 2 people just called in sick at work and I need to go in. Unfortunately, I'll be working all week long. Maybe we can meet up some other time at Awesome Steakhouse. Anyway, I'm glad you called me, because now I have your number. Talk to you later."


This message is not for me. I don't know who the heck he was blowing off because he "had to work", but they're going to be really pissed off at him because they never got the message. I bet he saved my cell number to their name in his phone too. *evil snicker*


Tomorrow is going to be so much fun. I get to tell him that he left me an awfully mysterious message. Then watch his jaw drop. I will laugh maniacally. Don't feel bad for him though. I won't completely crush him under my foot. I will not mention at all the fact that I played it for my husband, then told all my friends and any stranger who reads this blog (thank you both).
Sunday, June 14, 2009

DVD Makers




Every year they get more and more ridiculous with their movie intros. Must I really watch 10 minutes of crappy previews, followed by a 5 minute long Main Menu sequence before I can start watching the damn movie I paid good money for?

Back in the good ole days of DVD infanthood, they used to just cue up straight to the Menu. It's the reason I started buying DVDs over VHS tapes in the first place. Instant access to whatever part of the movie you actually want to view is great too, but I really hate previews and commercials.

The previews I hate because they're only timely for a limited time. When I'm watching a movie years later, chances are I'm already aware that Drop Dead Fred made it to DVD. "Coming soon in Fall 2005, a digitally remastered version of Cinderella." Sweet! I was under a rock when that happened. It's a good thing I have these really old promos.

Speaking of Disney movies though, they're on a specific release schedule. There's nothing more aggravating to me than picking up a Disney movie and checking out one of their "Limited Time - When It's Gone, It's Gone F-O-R-E-V-E-R" video ads and finding out the time has been expired for a good couple of years already.

They have this new feature on DVDs also that make it hard, if not impossible, to just skip to the Main Menu after the disc starts up. Why? Do you think that I'm not just going to fast forward past all that bull crap? Just give me the damn movie.

Then you finally make it to the Main Menu and you have to sit through a really obnoxious montage of clips from the movie you're about to watch. Usually, you also get treated to the WORST FUCKING MUSIC EVER. And they play this in a loop. So, if you're busy and you can't turn the damn thing off right away, you get to hear it infinity times.

Now, to their credit, most DVD makers will allow you to press the Menu button one additional time to skip through all of this and get straight to the Menu selections. SOME though, think it's funny to set the DVD to completely start over again every time you do that. No fast forward for you either asshole. Sit through our obnoxiousness and like it.

To hell with you people. I'll wait until all the damn movies I want are $5.00. That's how much I don't want to pay extra for your commercials. Even then, you'll probably still be making $4.90 off of me per disc. I just can't win can I?
Friday, June 12, 2009

Alone At Last!


I have an antisocial streak a mile wide. At some point every day, I look forward to being completely alone and not having a kid or a husband or a coworker or a customer in my face. This is absolutely my favorite time of the day.


The last 3 days, this time has never come. My son is teething pretty badly and he has been holding me hostage at home. I have not slept in 3 days because he just can't be apart from me.


I finally escape him to go to work and it's more of the same. I can't seem to catch a lunch break where someone isn't back in the breakroom or busting in on my every 2 minutes.


Who's the tool here? Well, pretty much every other person on the planet right now. I finally had a good 1/2 hour completely alone and I'm feeling sincerely uncharitable toward everyone right now. This is unfortunate because now I'm off to work. Say a little prayer for the poor souls that encounter me today.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009

To My Cats


I know you're getting chased around the house all day by my kids. I truly have a good idea of how frightening that must be. Some positive attention from me is probably just what you need after a hard day of running for your life.

Please don't demand the aforementioned attention while I'm trying to cook. Also, when I'm feeding the baby is not the best time. Walking on my laptop will get you tossed. Walking on the baby after I've been fighting for almost 3 hours to get him to sleep will probably get you killed if it happens on the wrong day.

By the way, I know that you're upset about the lack of attention, but puking on the floor is just immature.

Your punishment will be to clean your own litter box. No complaining. Just try to stay off my list from now on.
Sunday, June 7, 2009

Parking Lot Puppy Pusher


You had a cute, but malnourished pit bull and some other rat-dog looking thing in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart. Who in their right mind sells a dog in a parking lot? The better question, I guess, would be: Who in their right mind buys a dog from some dude in a parking log?

You held up the foot traffic going into the place. You held up the auto traffic trying to leave the place. You had 2, fairly neglected-looking dogs out in 100 degree heat. You are not going to make Santa's good list this year.

You will, however, make my Tool list. Congratulations.
Saturday, June 6, 2009

Internet Baby


If you can't have internet no one can? Listen here Mr. Awesomeness, I have crap to do on the internet. I'm sorry that you can't play WoW with your friends, but ... I can't even finish this sentence with a straight face. I really don't care that you can't play an online video game with your pals.


My computer is working just fine. My internet connection was not diminished in anyway. Well, until you reset the router on me without any warning. I had just gotten the baby to finally commit to some sleeping and was looking forward to getting some work done after a long, hard day.


Thanks for dragging me into your boredom. Jerko.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Soapbox Hero


I make it a policy not to discuss politics at work. Actually, if I'm really being truthful, I don't discuss it with anyone anywhere regardless of location. First of all, because its a very personal issue for most people and I respect other people's rights to feel the way they do about issues that effect them individually. Secondly, because politics bores the everloving crap outta me. When talk starts, the brain clicks off.

Half a damn hour, you chatted my ear off about how much you think Obama is the devil. Maybe his is. Who the hell knows. Time will tell. I got shit to do.

The fact that I'm not contributing in any way, shape or form to the conversation isn't slowing you down one bit is it? Usually that's a dead to rights indicator of boredom or general disinterest. I don't care about Israel and Apache helicopters. I probably should. I just don't.

I don't give a rat's ass that you can't stock up on 40 million rounds of Uzi ammunition.

I couldn't care less that Obama is worse than Jimmy Carter. I was 4 when he was voted out of office. If I didn't care then, why do you think I've had a change of heart in the meantime?

Is there something actually related to my business that I can help you with? Pretty please? With sugar?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Lunch Time Relaxation


I know that the break room is still a room in the building. I also know that, technically, because I'm salaried that I'm "on the clock" for all of my time there. Seriously, if one more person calls me on my lunch hour in that break room for something retarded I'm gonna start busting heads.


Employee: "Um, a customer is on the phone and he needs to talk to you."

Awesomeness: "Is this something that can wait until my lunch is over?"

Employee: "I don't know, let me ask."


................... 2 minutes later .......................


Employee: "Never mind, I helped him."

Awesomeness: "Am I going to have to pay you workman's comp for that?"

Employee: "Huh?"

Awesomeness: [insert airplane noises]


The other favorite of mine is the lunchtime meeting. This is where Manager Extraordinaire sits down next to me under the guise of just "mentioning something real quick". 45 minutes later, she's still in my face. At this point my meal is no longer warm, fresh or appealing.


So this leaves me 2 lunch time options: I'm going to have to either go out to eat every day or ... go out to eat every day. Okay, I guess just one option. Won't that be an interesting conversation when I submit an expense reimbursement for the cost of meals?