Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Ultimatum Man

I don't know how business is done under that rock you crawled out from under, but around these parts, businesses usually trade goods and services for this stuff called money. When you came in the other day, you seemed to understand this concept.

We struck up a conversation about how it would be great if you could do more business with us. We gave you a coupon for a refund of the price you paid for that day's service if you would just come back and become a regular client. We were holding hands and skipping through the cotton candy clouds in the magic land of rainbow ponies. It was the best time!

Today, you come back for the same service and insist we provide it for free. Well, sir, this was explained last time as a benefit of being a client of ours. We'll provide most of our services for free, just join us. Drink the Kool Aid dude!

You threw a full-on baby tantrum. When you refused to sign up and we refused to waive our charge, you countered with, "Well, then you'll need to give me another coupon for a refund." No. No, we don't actually. Now you say you'll never do business with us again. Well, you really don't do business with us now, so I'm not sure why you think that's a threat. Stupid tool.
Thursday, April 16, 2009

Toothless Joe

Same employee as the internet incident, listen up buddy. I'm tired of schooling you on this whole work for pay system.

The most basic element: show up for work. It's hard to do that when you schedule a last minute, late afternoon appointment to get your wisdom teeth pulled. What the hell was that move? You knew you needed to be at work the next day. This was not an emergency procedure. You said yourself, it could have waited until next week.

Your excuse was that the orthodontist told you that it's rare to have swelling and pain the next day. You believed that psycho. You've never met anyone who had their wisdom teeth pulled? In my experience, it's rare to meet someone who didn't have to take a day or 2 off of work to recover.

Pull your damn head out of your ass kid.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Creepy Grocery Store Stalker

If I weren't so awesome, I would have been afraid of you. You very obviously followed me around the store. You looked very crazed and hell-bent on catching up to me.

I know you were following me, because no one else goes into the store to buy a turkey wrap, coffee creamer and eye drops. Well, just not coincidentally at the same time anyway.

There is a fair chance that you had innocent intentions. I am pretty cute. It could be that my raw animal magnetism ripped you off the bench against your will and kept dragging you down random, unrelated aisles with me.

Man, I hate when that happens.
Saturday, April 11, 2009


Literally, husband. You lost our child's diaper bag. It's the big, black thing sitting in the shopping cart. The thing with our son's teething drops, which I would appreciate right about now. Did it blend in just right with the bright redness of the cart maybe?

What makes matters worse, is your grandma took that cart and returned it to the store. She pushed it from the parking lot all the way into the store and did not once see this huge black bag. Your prescription is up-to-date you say? My ass, old lady.

Even so, it's kind of hard to fault an old, blind lady for not seeing something. You unloaded the cart, husband o' mine. There was even stuff on he bottom of the cart that you managed to remember. Like that case of nasty Pepsi Max. That crap is liquid butt in a can. Making you drink it alone should be enough of a punishment. Next time, pull your head out, tool.
Thursday, April 9, 2009

Coffee Blocker

Don't ever get between a girl and her first cup of coffee. What in the hell planet do you live on that you haven't learned that yet?

Yesterday, when I stopped by your establishment to grab a cup, you were brewing new coffee for a couple of the dispensers. That's great! Keep it coming. My problem is that there are 6 other coffee receptacles that you were also blocking while you were doing this. Not cool.

"Am I in your way?" this is what you ask, not at all sounding like you care that you OBVIOUSLY ARE. Move it or lose it sister!
Saturday, April 4, 2009

I Got A Need For Speed(ing Tickets)

Look, I like a little pedal-to-the-metal action myself. The reality of our situation here in our fine city is that we have speed cameras up about every 5-10 miles on the freeway. You know how I know they work? Because jerkos like you whip by me every day like I'm driving Ms. Daisy (I'm only going 70), then I get blinded by the flashes from these cameras. I feel like I'm posing for the paparazzi.

The funny thing is, that people tend to forget that there are 2 camera systems at work: the fixed set and the mobile station. That mobile station that moves every day gets you every time doesn't it? I mean I think it's funny, but I'm sure you don't.

Also, there are these other third things out in full-force. They're called police officers. Police officers are the smaller, less metal, grumpy versions of these cameras. They tend to also do things like: notice your illegal tint, get all bent out of shape over your lack of license plate, have low tolerance for your sense of entitlement to drive solo in the carpool lane. They're funny that way.
Thursday, April 2, 2009

Looky Who's Back

Manager, I really expected you to mind your Ps and Qs after our last encounter. You have failed miserably at easing your way back into your first week back to work after a vacation. Go back on vacation already.

I've worked with you for 3 years now, so I'm pretty aware of the fact that you pretty much accept the first truth you get. You're as gullible as a turkey with a cloth over it's head. I stand back and laugh at you quite often over this. Unfortunately, it's not quite as funny when it's about me.

Why would you believe that I refused to do something for a multi-million dollar client? Is it because a business partner that hasn't brought us business in over 3 years is upset with me because I wouldn't accomodate her laziness? Weren't we just laughing together at her stupid cow antics yesterday? Was yesterday really that long ago that you would have already forgotten this? Do you think I have shit for brains? Do you see what I'm doing here? Does it look a lot like asking questions?

Asking questions is a method that people sometimes use to uncover facts:
Crappy Boss Lady: Did you tell Mr. Big Client that he had to risk busting a nail to sign something he'd already offered multiple times to sign?
Awesomeness: Shucks no, ma'am. I would never do that.
CBL: Why would Ms. Lazy Asshat say you did?
A: Because she's a fucking tool.
Done. You've just gotten my side of the story.