Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Awesomeness
You will be blinded by my awesomeness.
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Saturday, August 28, 2010

This Has To Be Illegal



For once, I don't have a beef with anyone I work with.  No, this time my problem is with Mr. Awesomeness's boss.  It's about time I got around to this dickhead.

A little bit of background:

Mr. A has been working for this company for 9 ½ years.  He started out drafting for them and has slowly worked his way into every other job that the division he works for handles.  Eventually, this lead to a sales position.  This was a great thing because the salesmen make bonuses.  Bonuses rock.

And then the housing market fell apart.  This company is a subcontractor for the housing industry, so this was a huge stress.  Thankfully, Mr. A was not one of the 75% of the company's employees that were laid off.

Unfortunately, every time someone from Mr. A's division got laid off, his boss just dumped their job into his lap. He now performs the duties that 4 people used to handle.

And that bonus he was supposed to be getting: gone.  He's never seen more than a couple of dollars beyond his regular paycheck for all the sales he's pulled in.  His regular pay has been the same since 2006.  As in, the man hasn't gotten a raise in 4 years.  It's a good thing he negotiated a pretty good raise then.

In this job market, this might be somewhat tolerable -- I mean, he could be unemployed, so we can't really bitch too much -- but now we get to the point of the story: Mr. A is a salaried worker who works in the office 45-50 hours every week.  Then he comes home and works from home.  He has a mobile work phone that, seriously, does. not. stop. ringing.  The other morning, when we took a couple of hours to deal with our children at home, his phone rang more in 2 hours than mine does all day.

The reason we had to stay home with our kids is that they need speech therapy.  Our kids don't do good with the talking thing.  We found a clinic that's willing to send a therapist to our home every Wednesday for a 2 hour session and, with insurance, it's very cheap.  I'm excited to do this for my kids; it will really help our family.

When I asked MisManager about the prospect of taking the time off once a week for the next year (yep, yikes), she was accommodating.  I work the same number of office hours every week and it's only logical that I should be able to take some of them back.  Of course, sometimes there will be meetings and other staffing situations that I won't be able to miss, but they'll be few and far between (hopefully).

When Mr. A asked his boss if he can come in late on Wednesdays, the answer was, "Sure!........... but you'll have to request the time you need in advance and take it all out of your paid time off."  Mr. A works well beyond the 40 hours expected of him every week, but if he wants to take any of his hours back, he has to take it out of his vacation/sick time?  Wha?  He only gets 80 hours per year for sick, personal and vacation time.  This is not enough.

What it boils down to is that his boss is a coward.  The reason for not making the small schedule accommodation is that the other employees might want the same thing.  ANARCHY!!  You gutless sack of shit.  Most of your employees' work can be done from home or can be done in off hours, but you still want to hold everyone to this arbitrary 8:00-5:00, Monday-Friday schedule.  This isn't the 1950s.  Technology is your friend.

So now, I don't know what I'm going to do on the Wednesdays that I can't be there.  This is way too important for my kids for us to pass up this opportunity.  I guess we'll just take this as it comes, but it's still depressing.
Sunday, August 22, 2010

Toilet Paper or...Toilet Paper? Hmmmmm.....



I know it's confusing EVM.  When I revamped the office's "Frequently Ordered Supplies" list, I listed toilet paper twice; once under office supplies and once again under cleaning supplies.  I did not do this to make your head explode, I was just being a flake.

So when you couldn't find toilet paper in the women's bathroom (because it's kept in the cleaning closet with all the other cleaning supplies), you decided to document your torturous experience in the following email:

We are out of toilet paper in the women's restroom.  I had to go into the men's room to find a spare roll.  I was going to list the fact that we were out on the new supply order list, but it's written on there twice and I didn't know which one I should pick.  - Sincerely confused (I am not making this up) EmployeeVonMunchausen
 So instead of asking someone else where the spare toilet paper was kept or checking either toilet paper box on the list, you decided to take the time and draft a dissertation of your harrowing toilet paper adventure.  Good call.  My response:

I'm not sure why you found this so confusing -- it was obviously an oversight.  The next time your faced with this situation, please check one box or the other and, if you feel it necessary, either write in your observation about the duplicate entry on the checklist or just tell someone.  For future reference, spare toilet paper is kept in the cleaning supply closet.  -- Awesomeness
  Don't forget to breathe in and out during your hike to the supply closet EVM.  For instructions on how to pick up your legs and feet in a fashion that will carry you in a forward motion, I will follow with a technical manual.  Complete with illustrations and shit.
Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Popcorn Machine



Once a month, the company lends our office a popcorn machine.  MisManager loves the thing and thinks it's fun for the clients.  MisManager does not have to set up the popcorn machine.  MisManager does not have to make the popcorn.  MisManager certainly never cleans the damn thing.

Yesterday we were shorthanded and everyone launched right in to work (you know, what we're paid for) and MisManager got a bug up her ass about the fact that no one was setting up the popcorn machine.  When she complained to me, I just shrugged at her.  I'm not messing with the damn thing.  I've complained numerous times about how time consuming it is to have the thing there in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I love popcorn, but I don't think that we need to pop it once a month just for the fuck of it.

Angry that no one else was taking ownership of a machine that no one but her really wants there anyway, MisManager decides to make a schedule.  Since no one wanted to set up the machine and throw some popcorn in, now we all have to stand at the entrance and hand out bags of popcorn to the customers when they walk in the door.

Oh hell no.  I declined a shift and she said, "This really isn't optional."  Oh hell no.  The look in my eye must have said, "Bitch, I will ax murder you," because she immediately followed up with, "C'mon, let's discuss this off the floor."  That went a little something like this:

MisManager: You know, as a leader, you really need to set a good example for your employees.
Awesomeness: It's a popcorn machine.  It doesn't take leadership skills to hand out popcorn.
MisManager: It's a nice friendly greeting for the clients when they first walk in the door.
Awesomeness: We can greet and talk to the clients from our desks...like we always do.  And, you know, like, get our work done at the same time.  The popcorn is right there next to the door.  They can just grab some on the way out.
MisManager: I need you to have my back on this.
Awesomeness: Then stop punishing us for no reason by making us go into the lobby and hand out popcorn when we have work to do.
MisManager: It's not a punishment, and, you know, you're being very insubordinate right now.

This is the part where my fucking head explodes.  She uses that term a little too liberally, and always for the most inappropriate circumstances; like this one.  I hope she knows that insubordination only applies to reasonable instruction.  Something tells me no.

Awesomeness: Don't you dare write me up for insubordination because I don't want to man a popcorn machine that you know damn well I can't stand having here anyway.  I. Will. Fight. You.

MisManager must have had a flash of what the write up would look like run through her head at that moment, (On August 20, 2010, you refused to leave your desk and go out into the lobby to hand out popcorn to the clients as instructed.  This caused the clients to have to retrieve their own popcorn, which severely damaged this company's reputation.) because she backed down a bit.

MisManager: What would it take to convince you to take your turn out there?
Awesomeness: Turn it into something fun and not a punishment.  Maybe we see how many clients we can get over to the sales people (you know, a big part of the work we'd be doing at our desks...) and the winner gets a prize of some kind.  
MisManager: *Roots through her desk and pulls out two $10.00 Starbucks cards.* I have these.  What if we gave them to the operations employee and the sales employee who gets the most clients to commit to sitting down and talking about services?
Awesomeness: You've got a deal.

I'm not unreasonable, but there was no way I was going to stand in the lobby and hand out little baggies of popcorn and not get any work done for nothing.

By the way, I will be enjoying my 1 ½ cups of Starbucks coffee.  Winnah!
Saturday, August 14, 2010

Seating Snafu



Wow, MisManager.  You've finally taken your control-freaky antics to a new low.  I understand that you see my saying even one word out of line to your sales staff as a usurping of your authority, but I never would have suspected you would see something as simple as the conversation I had with the summer intern as anything but a casual conversation.

Summer Intern:  When I come back next summer to learn the sales position, am I going to have my own cubicle?
Awesomeness: Not necessarily.  We will always have a place for you to work, but there are only 3 cubicles and they're spoken for.  We have a vacant spot at the end of the service department that you'll do the majority of your work out of.

See, we were talking about physical location.  Later when I told you about the conversation, you said this to me:

MisManager: When she has those kinds of questions, you really need to direct her to me.  Service and operation is your area, sales questions should always come to me.

Um, that wasn't a "sales" question, that was a "where the fuck am I going to sit" question.  I don't have a degree in Workspace Organization, but I still feel that I'm qualified to answer this.  When I asked you what you would have said differently, you acknowledged that you would have said the exact same thing.

Sooooooo......shut the fuck up.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Double Whammy



EmployeeVonMunchausen:

I'm done with you.  If it were up to me, I would tell you to just stay the hell home.  You called in again yesterday.  This is now the 7th Monday that you've called in this year.  The other days: a Tuesday after a holiday, a Friday (you also called in the following Monday) and the day after you were scheduled for a day off.

To say that I see an unhealthy pattern is like saying I see the sky is blue.  I like 3-day weekends as much as the next girl, but you're going to need to bite the bullet and get your ass into work on Mondays going forward.

Oh, and also, I don't know who the hell you worked for before me, but please kindly get out of this mindset that you don't need to give me any information about why you're not making it into work.

Your actual conversation with me:
I won't be able to make it in today.  I pulled the daily reports when I was in on Saturday, they're in the green filing cabinet in the middle part under (something unintelligible).
This is really all you have to say to me?  (F.Y.I.: we don't even have a green filing cabinet...)  I had to dig to find out that you were calling out sick for your ailment-of-the-week: The Blood Pressure.

Lady, if your blood pressure is truly so out of control that you can't stand up, as you claim, I'm sure your tests would not have "come back inconclusive" and your doctor would have put you on some medication.  Please come up with a better excuse.

MisManager:

You used to work in Human Resources.  Your husband does work in Human Resources.  Maybe you should either remember your training or ask his advice before proceeding the next time you lose your shit when an employee calls in.

What did you do?  You called EVM and demanded that she come in.  Really?  I'm just as frustrated as you that she's calling in -- again.  Actually, I'm more frustrated than you because I have to do her job when she's not there.  Somehow I'm also supposed to write up her documentation and a formal warning while doing her job and my job while she's gone too.  Yeah, I'm not her biggest fan right now.

But to call someone who's claiming to have serious health issues and demand she come in?  Please.  That's a rookie mistake.  Especially someone who is as potentially litigious as EVM.  Remember that?  The whole reason we call H.R. every time she's absent?  We've finally got enough background on her to start the disciplinary process, but now she's got a good reason to complain about us too.  Thanks for handing that to her.

Oh, and also...

Why are you fighting so hard to make her Employee Of The Month for last month?  (Oh no, no one is misreading that.)

She is so unreliable it is beyond believable.  She performed so poorly during my vacation, in fact, that I'm afraid to leave her alone with my staff in the office again.  I've begun a very serious program of leadership skill training with her because I really need to impress on her that she is far from where she needs to be to lead my staff in my absence.  She's either going to take to that or she's going get told that she had better keep to her regularly scheduled job duties.

I don't care that one of the other employees nominated her.  She was nominated by one of your sales staff that she helped with one problem while I was gone.  An employee who did not incur her wrath at all while I was gone, unlike the rest of my staff.  I finally got done unraveling all of that bullshit and I sure as hell am not rewarding her for being an asshole just because she straightened something out while I was gone.