Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Sunday, March 28, 2010

While I Was Attending My Pity Party...

 I just put this up because I was hoping someone could explain it to me.
This does not sound like a good time...

I just realized today that I've been blogging for over a year now.  This blog was actually started on Valentine's Day last year.  In celebration of actually sticking with a hobby for more than a month for once, here is a rundown of my favorite posts from all 3 of my blogs (the ones I didn't delete or abandon over the last year...):


  • That's Disgusting! or Look At Me! I'm A Total Copycat!  This one made the list because I was just thinking about it today as I fished: a bottle cap, rubber bands, dirty socks, a sneaker and some artificial flowers out of my boy's mouth.
  • How 'Bout A Nice Warm Glass Of 'Shut The Hell Up'? Wow, this is one of my favorite moments of the entire year, period.  It was just a brief conversation between me and Mr. A where I got fed up with him assigning me sole custody of the kids.  Karma, you are my best friend.
  • DVD Makers  This is still something I bitch about a lot.  I'll tell ya who the worst offenders are: Dreamworks.  Fuck you Dreamworks.  These jerks have actually devised a way to make the DVD freeze if I try to skip to the main menu.  When it does this, I have to actually get up, eject the disc, reinsert it and start all over.  This goes completely against my lazy, impatient nature.
  • Pink Eye  Even though she isn't mentioned by her special nickname, this was my introduction for Employee Von Munchausen.  This one made my list of 'favorites' because right now she is on an opposite list.  I can't wait for her to show up for work tomorrow so I can find out what flimsy mystery illness she stumped her doctors with all last week.  If you want to play Dr. House, M.D. for a moment, here are the symptoms: severe back pain, fever and coughing.  Sounds like lupus to me.
  • Some Girl  This entry represents an entire year of sleep deprivation posts.  There were about a million of them on Monsters.  Thank goodness those days are finally over.  I thought it would never end.

It's been a fun year (+) and I sincerely do want to thank the people who bother to read this stuff.   You guys are the best!
Thursday, March 25, 2010

What's A Girl Gotta Do To Get Some R&R Around Here?



  • A: Just ask for some time to herself.  I mean hell, her husband's a perfectly reasonable guy who can see she's clearly at the end of her rope.  He'd be happy to take the kids off of her hands for a few hours while she gets her shit straight.
  • B: Book a trip to a day spa and lie to her husband.  "There's a big work convention on the other side of town today.  We're going to have to take separate cars.  See ya at 6:00!"
  • C: Stage a world class freak-out.  Scare everyone enough to toss you into a mental hospital.  I hear they have to keep you there for, like, 3 days for observation.
  • D: Book a trip to your oral surgeon to get a wisdom tooth removed.  Hell, drugs and all the naps you want.  Fuckin' SCORE!!

So, let's see how we did here.  If you selected:

  • A: You're obviously new to my blog.  Mr. A would rather scuba dive naked and weaponless in blood-infested shark territory than watch the kids for more than about an hour at a time.
  • B: I'm the worst liar on the planet.  It also doesn't help that Mr. A is the most suspicious person on the planet.  Put us both together and I'm the most honest woman alive and he knows where I'm at and what I'm doing better than I do.  This will come in handy if I'm ever kidnapped, I'm sure.
  • C: You're close.  I'm probably capable of this and over the last couple of weeks I've actually (not seriously) considered the upsides of this plan.  However, being labeled a crazy person and possibly a potential danger to myself and others -- particularly my children -- is not a part of the plan that I can live with, so this will never work.
  • D: DING DING DING DING DING.  You get a cookie.  
After my last appointment with my dentist, I was advised to get my wisdom teeth pulled.  Not that they were really bothering me, but they occasionally do.  I have one -- oh, excuse me, had one -- that was fully grown in and that one was a pain in the ass.  It grew in sideways, so it was always pressing into my cheek.  It was also hard to get a tooth brush back there, so when the dentist discovered a cavity in it, there was no way I was going to be able to muster a convincing shocked face.

Up until the time I sat in the chair at the oral surgeon's office, I was determined to get all 4 of my teeth ripped out at once.  The surgeon showed me a "What To Expect" video, then explained to me that it was not really all that urgent to get all 4 of the teeth out.  The one that was grown in, yes.  Absolutely, no doubt, but the other 3 could wait potentially up to 10 more years.  So, that's when I had an idea.  An awful idea.  A wonderful, awful idea.

If I were to get each of my teeth removed one at a time, then that would be 4 occasions that I could just sit by myself in my room.  Movies, computer, books, water, chocolate pudding, Percoset.  NO KIDS, NO WORK KIDS, NO WHINY CLIENTS, NO MISMANAGER, NO MR. A.

I am an evil fucking genius. 
Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?



To the neighbor who lives directly behind me:

  • Stop looking over the fence into my yard.  Yeah, I know it looks like crap, but I really don't care.  We're never in the yard, so we don't feel like wasting time and money on it.  When I look out every now and then to see your weirdo head pop up, I just want to make a mad dash for the pellet gun.
  • Your dog is not a lawn ornament.  When you leave it out all day, that barking that you hear...well so does the rest of the neighborhood.  The sound is not just contained to your yard, asshole.  We live at a spot that's conveniently located around 2 airports and an Air Force Base.  Every time a plane flies overhead -- which is roughly every 5 minutes -- the critter goes insane and we can't really hear much of anything else for the next 15 minutes.
  • And now that it's night time, do you hear that other noise?  That would be howling.  Your dog does that all night long.  Maybe it keeps you up too.  We've got so much in common.  Well, except for...
  • The 40 tons of dog crap that's piled up in your back yard.  You know, I don't need the creepy ladder to look over the fence into your yard.  I've got a second story window.  My view is supposed to be of mountains.  I find myself distracted by the sight of your backyard shit hills.
If you don't get your act together soon, I may be forced to break into your house, dress you up in fur and leave you in your shit-covered yard in 115 degree heat for a day just to see how you like it.
Sunday, March 21, 2010

Yeah, I Got Nuthin...

The last couple of weeks I've been hiding under a rock. I haven't really been doing it intentionally.  I log in every day, check out other people's blogs, stare blankly at my dashboard, then log out again.

The bad times started when my daughter got sick, then plummeted downhill when I got sick,  took a turn for the worst when Mr. A got sick, then when my daughter got sick...again...I just gave up.  Fuck this.  I'm tired of having the "should we take her to Urgent Care" conversation.  Unfortunately, that's the only conversation I'm actually capable of right now.

Here's how I've been occupying my time since my brainpower has completely deserted me (if the Blogger bugs don't kill my post...I know there's nothing wrong with my ENTER key, Blogger):

Police Women of Maricopa County



I was very curious as to how TLC was going to present this.  It's a show about the women who work in the Maricopa County (Arizona) Sheriff's Office.  This is my 'hood.  I was hoping that they would show women who have managed to master the art of being assertive without turning into a harpy.  Women who were wise and patient when they needed to be, then could ram a boot up an ass when the situation called for it.

Instead I got women who were obviously dolled up for the camera.  They get sent out either on complete crap assignments or into situations where they're obviously there to get the cameras on the scene.

One officer was on the trail of a dangerous deadbeat dad.  That scene ended with pepperballs and K9 dogs.  He wasn't even threatening anyone with a weapon or taunting the cops.  He wasn't wanted because he killed the baby of a nun while it was holding a puppy.  He just ran and hid in a shed.

There's another officer who is a 'negotiator', which is scary to me because she's inarticulate as all hell.  She reminds me of the reject contestant from American Idol this season. The one who jumped up and down in front of the mirror.  "You're wicked awesome!"  She gives off an intensely stupid vibe.  Even though, I do have to give her points for using the word 'ironic' correctly in a sentence.

The one scene where she's actually supposed to talk a guy down, the dude kills himself.  I think it was the easy way out of talking to her.

They keep sending one woman (the only one I actually like) out on very obvious shit calls.  One where a crazy woman swears that her disabled roommate is running into her room at night, peeing on her, and then running away before she can catch him.  Now, this lady also had about 15 or so dogs running all over her house.  Additionally, she didn't look all that stable herself, and was absolutely a good candidate for some bedwetting.  Crazy woman made the cop take her panties away in a paper bag... I could NOT do that job.

Now that I'm all on a "portrayal of females on TV" kick, the kids have picked up on a new Nickelodeon show:

Team Umizoomi





This is a video of the end of every episode where they encourage your kids to fake a seizure.

Team Umizoomi is a brother/sister superhero team that pairs up with their robot friend "Bot" (I won't make fun, I have a cat named Kitty). The robot takes calls on his belly screen and can also somehow produce whatever random items they need to complete their mission.

The brother is Geo. He can make things out of shapes that spring out of his belt.

The sister is Milli. Her super power? She makes pretty patterns with her dress. She also measures things with her ponytails. I think they threw the measurement thing in there just to make her seem a little more useful. Really, though? Geo can make a ruler with his shapes or Bot can just pull one out of his ass. So how useful is Milli? So useless. Your main power is to look pretty, honey.

And just before I absolutely lose the last of my mind, I find a show that reminds me that I'm not at all a bra burning, bushy-pitted feminazi:

The IT Crowd

Thank you so much Netflix!

Of course, I can't embed a clip, so here's a link instead.

The IT Crowd is a British comedy (stay with me!) about a woman with no knowledge of computers who gets tossed into the basement office of a company's I.T. department. The show was so damn funny (not really the pilot, but the rest of them) that I wasn't even offended in the slightest when they based most of the 2nd episode on the woman going shoe crazy and insisting on wearing shoes that were 2 sizes (at least) too small.

So with any luck, and about 20 more hours of sleep, I should be back to my old, crotchety self in no time. 
Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Oh, Fuck You Tuesday. I Hate You.



Hey, Tuesday!  Eat a dick.

This was my day in all its incoherent glory.  Just like I experienced it.

Start @ 5:00 a.m.
Alarm
Coffee
Shower
Clothes
Wake 3-year old
Car
Commute
Preschool
Traffic jam
Accident (someone else's)
Broken traffic light
Meeting
MisManager
Send employee to OtherOffice (surprise!!!)
Ah, more coffee...
Maintenance guy is here!
Did you have to do that today? 
Another maintenance guy is here for something else!
Phone!
The maintenance guy you REALLY need is still not here!
Hey, I have a question....
You have a call....
Are you done yet?
Goodbye MisManager, I'll see you in an hour
Don't forget we still have to....
Phone!!

12:00
Lunch? No.
Client emergency!!
No, this client has a bigger emergency!
You have 2 calls...
Can you sign...?
Can I show you...?
Can you help me with...?
Have you gotten that done yet?
PHONE!!!
Do you know when I'm working 3 weeks from now?
WHERE IN THE FUCK IS MY MAINTENANCE GUY?
(10:00 tomorrow, pure awesomeness)
Attempted crime
SOMEONE ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!
Lunch?  Hell no.
I think I messed up...
Is MisManager coming back today?
Awesomeness, I can see you have 12 things you're working on, but can you just...
Phone!
Can you help me with...?
Can I take your number and call you back?

2:30
Lunch?  Finally!!
Before you go, can you help me with...?
I know you're trying to eat, but can I show you?
Do you know where ____ is?
There you are! Blah, blah, blah (pigeon drama)
Phone! (seriously?)
Hey! Uh...nevermind.

3:00
MisManager! Thanks for gracing us with your presence.
A meeting? Do I have a choice?
No, MisManager, that's not a company policy, that's your policy.
No, MisManager, that's not a company standard, that's your standard.
No, MisManager, that's not something we need to have a meeting about. You just misunderstood what you heard.
No, MisManager, I don't have a shitty attitude, you're just being a sensitive douche.
No, MisManager, this is not a productive conversation.
Yes, MisManager, we should postpone this discussion.  I'll see ya next month.

3:30
More attempted crime?
Can you take a look at...?
Can you sign...?
Before you go sign that can you...?
Phone!
OH HELL NO!
No sir, I said oh hell no.
Hi, this is ____ from another office.  Your client is screwed and it's not your fault, but you need to somehow fix it.  'Kthanxbye.
My voicemail light is shiny.
Can you help me finish...?
Sign here
Sign here
Sign here
Sign here
What's wrong with this machine?
I can't find something even though I've looked at it twice...
Phone!

5:30
Preschool
Pissy pants crybaby
Who's pants are these?
Commute
Dammit! That doesn't belong to her!
What are you eating back there?
Why are you making a yuck face?
No, we're not going to the store.

6:40
Home
Dinner?
Mmmm...chili cheese fries...
Sssoooo hungry
All right dinner's ready!
It smells awesome
BBBBBLLEEEEEEEEEEEEGH!
What the fuck is that?
Floam
That's what she was eating in the car.  Shit.
Totally not hungry anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?