Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Awesomeness
You will be blinded by my awesomeness.
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Monday, November 29, 2010

It's Ebola...Or Karma

Whatever it is, I'm sick as hell and unable to think.  Instead, here is a video of warm and fuzzy well-wishes:


Thursday, November 18, 2010

I Have A Life ... Or Something That Closely Resembles One



Dear Inconsiderate Assclown:

I don't actually live at the office, Mr. Business Partner.  I like to go home right after we close.  Why in the world would you schedule a meeting with a client right at closing time?  When I say closing time, I mean the client was running up to the doors as we were locking them.

You informed one of my sales girls that you were meeting someone, but left out the time.  In the future we will know how important it is to ask you.  It apparently means the difference between getting home in time for dinner and getting home in time for breakfast.

When your client left, you never apologized for keeping me late.  You didn't even acknowledge the fact that you pulled a shitty douchebag move.  I know I'm supposed to refer clients to you, but this isn't a good way to get me to keep you in mind.  Please, in the future, feel free to meet with your clients right at closing time at someone else's office.

Sincerely,

Awesomeness
Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Rules of Engagement



Yesterday it finally happened.  EmployeeVonMunchausen called up the head of our H.R. department to complain about me.  I've been expecting this for months and months, so there was no surprise that it actually happened.

I have a couple of rules for you to follow, EVM, the next time you want to lodge a complaint:

1. Make your lies even a little believable.  Calling up a lady that I've worked with for almost 10 years and telling her that I yelled at you in front of your coworkers is extremely unbelievable.  When I yell, I sound like someone stepped on a rabid chihuahua.  Sometimes, my voice also starts cracking like a teenage boy's when it's raised.  Yelling is something that embarrasses me more than it does you, so I don't do it.  I've never done it (at work).

This is not something that would ever be substantiated by anyone who's ever worked for me.  This is the important part for you to remember EVM, because when H.R. gets caught in the middle of a she-said-she-said showdown, they start interviewing other parties.

Crap, you're screwed.

2. I would highly recommend that one of your complaints about me not be how I didn't respond apologetically to you when you accused me of being just like your abusive father.

Oh yeah, it happened.  Twice.

The response I gave you, "That really offends me.  I'm not your father and I don't appreciate the comparison," was the only response you were getting.  Tough shit that you didn't like it; that's your problem, not mine.  You have no idea how much trouble you're in for that remark.  H.R. lady is offended that you would even say that to me.  So is MisManager.  MisManager's manager wanted to march into the office and throw you out on your ass.  Bodily.  I find it hilarious.

What does H.R. lady think of your complaints?  I quote:

"She is obviously mentally disturbed.  She knows that her job is in serious jeopardy and she's desperate to keep it."
Also, about your vague charges that I "treat you differently from everyone else:"

"It sounds like you reprimand her more than anyone else because she's the only one acting up..."

YES!  HOLY CRAP, YEEEEEESSS!!  Not that everyone else on my staff is perfect, but I haven't had to warn anyone else, in writing, 5 times in a year about their absences and tardies.  Actually, no other employee I've ever had in all the 8 years I've been a supervisor has racked up so many disciplinary warnings as you, EVM.  Too bad it's almost impossible for anyone to get fired at this company.

But....

But, EVM, you need to keep in mind that, after the first of the year, they're looking at doing some layoffs.  MisManager, MisManager's manager and H.R. lady are all involved in that decision.

So maybe you should forget these rules and keep up your insane assault.  I'm sure they need at least one easy decision when it comes time to decide who goes on the chopping block.
Monday, November 8, 2010

Unhappy, Eh?

This has nothing to do with the post.  I just needed a laugh right after I wrote it.


Today was my first day back at work after a whole week of laying around in my pajamas not being pissed off by spastic assholes.  It's a good thing I came back in a good mood, because EmployeeVonMunchausen cranked the dial up to 11 today.

I knew she was going to call in.  She's so predictable.  It's Monday, her favorite day to call in.  She did surprise us though by only calling in late.  Apparently, since our last discussion when I mentioned that she almost exclusively calls in on Mondays, she has been trying extra hard to show that she's a buddy fucker every day of the week.  Now she won't call all the way in on Mondays anymore.

< sarcasm >Well, that's a relief!< /sarcasm >

At first, she called and said that she'd be an hour late -- which meant that she would leisurely languish around her house in her bunny slippers until 9:15.  She calls again and said "Nah, I think I'll come in at 9:30 instead."  This time though, she doesn't even bother to talk to either me or MisManager.  She leaves the message with one of her coworkers.

I understand, EVM, that the law provides you some protection because of your "condition" (whatever it is this week), but you can still get shit-canned for not following procedure.  You will find out tomorrow how much your spiteful little stunt will put your job in jeopardy.

I would have preferred to talk to her today, but today was filled with other EVM goodness.  She casually announced to us -- within earshot of her coworkers -- that she was applying for a transfer to one of our other offices.  She said it was because she was unhappy...

Guess what, asshole.  Me too.  I would love to transfer your undependable, whiny, mopey ass to someone else and just be rid of you, but there isn't anyone I would do that to.  Besides, we have you on a corrective action, which means you don't even get the privilege of interviewing.

This was the big mystery.  Why was H.R. calling you to schedule an interview?  I know that there are 2 questions that you have to answer in order to post for a transfer: "Does your current manager know that you wish to transfer?" (Followed by: "If no, then why not?") and "Are you currently on a corrective action or Performance Improvement Plan?"

We spent all day finding out why.  After numerous calls to the recruiter, it turns out that you circumvented answering those crucial questions by posting for the position as an external candidate.

This is it.  Tomorrow when we talk, this is all coming out.  You're "unhappy" because you're being accountable to do a job that you've admitted that you're no longer interested in doing.  Tough shit, cookie.  You have altogether told me that you expect to not have to do any work outside of your basic responsibilities.  Tough shit, cookie.  You don't like the way this is going?  Tough shit, cookie.  You will be asked tomorrow to get with the program or tender your resignation.  I usually dread these kinds of talks, but I'm looking forward to this one.  Big time.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Update: Breaking News!



It has been brought to my attention that I'm an asshole for not updating since my last post.  I'm sure I'm also an asshole for many other reasons, this one just being the most recent.  So, here's what we heard when we got to the meeting last Friday:

The company's stock has been downgraded after some disappointing 3rd quarter numbers.  Rumors are starting to fly around that we'll be bought out by our competitors.  The rumors are false.

Our company is, however, looking to close down a few of its under-performing offices.  Honestly, this really needed to happen.  When the housing market exploded, we built about 20 new offices in the markets where housing was going up the quickest in anticipation that they might be well-utilized there.  Unfortunately, quite a few of these locations have not turned any sort of profit since they've opened -- for some of them, that was well over 5 years ago.  They've had their chance.

My office will not be one of the closures.  We're highly profitable and we're crazy busy.  I'm actually hopeful that, in the displacement of the employees from the other locations, we might actually take on another part-timer.

Also, there will be additional layoffs.  In the last round of layoffs, we were able to oust a woman who, quite frankly, was probably EmployeeVonMunchausen's idol and mentor.  If we need to "sacrifice a lamb" guess who my pick will be.

So, I'm actually hopeful for the changes that are coming down.