Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Your Pants Are On Fire!

The one thing I hate worse than finding out that my anger at MisManager has been misplaced, is finding out I've been lied to.

It wasn't even a good lie.  Or even a necessary lie.  EmployeeVonMunchausen did not show up for work today.  It's a good thing I decided to.  After only 1-1/2 hours of sleep and a feverish preschooler, while I'm still battling a stomach bug myself, I almost called in.  But I didn't because I'm Wonder Woman's 2nd cousin twice removed or something.

At 5 minutes late, I call MisManager thinking EVM just called into her.  Hmmmmm.  Her phone goes straight to voicemail.  That's peculiar.  I thought she had the thing hard-wired to her brain.  At 10 minutes late, I called Employee.  "'re not coming in today?"  "No, I already told MisManager."

Oh!  MisManager, you're in my doghouse again!  I even told her that.  She started apologizing that she had just turned her phone on for the day and she was sorry that she missed my call then asked....

What's going on again?

Uh, the employee who called in sick...would've been nice to know.

Gosh!  I can't believe she called in again!  This is completely ridiculous.

Mmmmm....she didn't call you did she?


An hour after the conversation in which she explained to me that she'd already spoken with MisManager, she TEXTED her.  Well, that's just stupid.  Texts record time.  EmployeeVonMunchausen recorded a text-in time of 9:19.  Her scheduled in time: 8:15.  The time of our conversation 8:25.

I've always sucked at math, but I could swear that 8 came before 9.  Unless she's somehow discovered the secret to time travel and I'm just in the reality that existed first -- the one in which she hadn't yet gone back in time to speak with MisManager -- she's totally busted. 
Monday, December 14, 2009

Oh Yeah, It's Over All Right...

The vacation.  I want it back.  You remember the employee who was driving me up a damn wall?  The one I was hoping MisManager would send to another office so she would not get stabbed in the head by the daggers I was shooting out of my eyes all day long at her?

Why don't you send the employee who is driving me up a fucking wall right now?  That girl can't listen for shit and I'm about to kick her butt up in between her ears if she doesn't quit pissing me off.  You'd be doing us both a favor to get her out of my face.
MisManager must read my blog because there she is helping the other staff out.  Thank goodness.....

Or not.  I have to write her up.  Not only did she fuck up something stupid so completely that it messed up 3 other people's work, but she fucking lied to us about it.  Are you shitting me kid? (Kid.  She's 10 months younger than me.)  She seriously thought that no one at that office would bother to tell me or the ManAger (Oooo I like that one.  I'm keeping it.) about her stupid, dick move?

Then...THEN, she came back to help us while I was gone and pretty much pulled the same dick move.  This girl has been working for me for 2 years.  It's not like she hasn't had plenty of training.  She's got a Bachelors Degree related to the work that we're doing and is working on her Masters.  She's not an idiot.

Oh.  Edit:  She's not an idiot?

Also, as if that's not enough to make me want to drive across town and check her into a wall, she decided to issue an "All Staff" memo while I was gone.

I'm sorry.  I must have forgotten that I promoted her to Supervisor....

Nope.  No I didn't. Promote her, that is.

Then, surely, MisManager asked her to put that out because she didn't have enough time to relay the message?  Nope.  MisManager was not even copied on the memo.  She read it for the first time when I asked her why key pieces of information were left out.  I was also very curious how the phrase "...if the guy so much as stamps a foot in here..." made it into a professional communication.

(As an interesting side story, the memo was a security warning about a crazy dude who came into the office with a bullet and a samurai sword last week.  He told JailBait "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill anyone."  Creeeeeeepy! The cops were called.)

So far MisManager has been saving her from my impending doom.  This time, I'm getting my way.  Her teeth and her colon are about to become acquainted.  Well, just in my head, but it counts.
Saturday, December 5, 2009

Let's Go! Let's Go! LET'S GOOOOOO!

Oh, fuck you, dude.  I just woke up 10 minutes ago.  My coffee just finished brewing; I haven't even had a cup yet.  The kids haven't eaten breakfast.  You're already up my ass about showering to leave the house. 

I understand your philosophy of 'the earlier you leave, the earlier you get back', but I just frankly don't give a shit when I get back.  Today's the first day of my vacation and I don't want to kick it off with a mad rush for the door right when I first wake up.

The entire work week I'm running out the door, flying to work, kicking ass and taking names while I'm at work, rushing back home and then scrambling to get the kids fed and asleep.  The last thing I want on the weekends is to carry on that craziness.

We're not on a schedule, we can run our errands whenever we damn well choose.  Slow 'er down there and let me finish my coffee before you end up getting a crack-addicted badger thrown at you.

Oh.  I'll do it.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Skeleton Crew

Our offices run on skeleton crews.  When times are lean, like now, it makes sense -- in a way -- to not waste your resources on staffing you most likely don't need.  I got it.

What I don't get, MisManager, is why you think that we can spare 2 of our staff members to work at another office.  Ske-le-ton. Crew.  It means we're already working with the minimum of what we need to operate.  Yes, the other office is in worse shape than we are.  For a lot of reasons.

What I also don't understand, is why you need my Lead employee.  I'm facing an assessment right now (someone is auditing the documents in the office) and I'm going on vacation next week.  Yesterday, I had to beg you to give me one day with her before I leave.  Your answer: "I'll see what I can do."  What!?  Just pull her, dumb ass.

Why don't you send the employee who is driving me up a fucking wall right now?  That girl can't listen for shit and I'm about to kick her butt up in between her ears if she doesn't quit pissing me off.  You'd be doing us both a favor to get her out of my face.

There are a total of 10 offices in our district.  Why is it that we're this other office's only hope?  Grow a set when you're talking to your boss and explain to her that this is too much of a hardship for us to carry alone.  It's not like she's an unreasonable person.

Please stop making it our problem that they can't just hire some more people on.  It's not like there's a lack of qualified candidates in the job market right now.  Maybe you should bring this point up to your boss.  The fact that you can't throw a rock without hitting someone desperate for a job should be apparent to her, so "your" plan of "um, just fucking hire someone already so I can have 1/4 of my staff back" should win you some brownie points for cleverness.

This would be a lot more clever than a) bombing an assessment because we're all too busy to pull the work they're requesting or b) lessening our office's effectiveness or client management.

Holy crap.  Why are you in management again?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Whining And Griping

MisManager:  You've been allowed to hire that new employee you were whining about.  Please stop scheduling her out of the office leaving your other girl by herself all day.  This still leaves me in a position where I have to try to cover their excess work.  Right now, I've got my own people's excess work to try to help with.  I really don't need this shit.

Dumb-ass Employee:  I don't work for you.  When you need help with something, just explain your need, don't present it to me as work I must do for you.  When I ripped your head off your shoulders today and slam dunked it down your throat, it wasn't a great feeling was it?  The punchline: she not only 'assigned' me work, but she gave me a deadline.  Um, I'm going to remind you that performance reviews are due in January and studies show that managers only really remember the previous 3 months.  You're in the danger zone, asshole.

Snooty Admin Lady:  It's a part of your job to make sure that the offices have the supplies they need to function.  It's not my problem that you didn't communicate that the ordering for this week needed to be completed before 11:00 this morning.  Getting all condescending with me because my ESP is broken might make you feel better, but at the end of the day, I still made you do extra work because you didn't think it was worth your time to pass the information along in a timely manner.  Biotch!

Dora The Explorer:  I don't understand you.  Stop trying to teach my kid Spanish when we struggle to follow your English, you shrill, mush-mouth asshat.

Office Supply Company:  Why in the world are the units on your packing slip broken down into decimals?  I was listed as ordering 2.0000 of something and 5.0000 of something else.  Next time I order from you, I'm making it a point to order 9.3829 reams of paper.  I want someone cursing my name while they sort that out precisely.

The Cold:  I didn't catch you, you caught me.  I don't want you.  I keep trying to get rid of you.  On purpose.  Quit stalking me like I'm Ryan Secrest. 

Mr. Awesomeness: I didn't insinuate this morning that I might want to catch some lunch before you took off with the car.  I outright told you that I need you to come get me at lunchtime, because I have no food at work.  I had to call your forgetful ass at 1:30, which was probably 2 hours after you ate your lunch, and I made you go get me lunch.  Starvation is not a part of my weight loss plan.

Chamomile Tea With Honey:  I love you.  You don't belong on this list.  I was just enjoying your company while I was typing this and your yumminess + sore throat relief fixed all my grumpiness.  Kind of counterproductive on this blog.  I'll forgive you enough to enjoy another cup.  Mmmmmmmmm.........
Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Warner Bros.

I was very excited to buy some Looney Tunes the other day.  I grew up on those cartoons and I wanted to play them for my daughter (I'm weird like that...I also subjected her to the Muppets and about an hour of looking up 80's Saturday morning cartoon theme songs on YouTube.  Child abuser!!)

I get the damn thing home and disc 1 is mostly Sylvester and Tweety.  I know I'm going to get booed off my own blog for saying this, but Tweety Bird is fucking annoying.  I always hoped that they would just let poor Sylvester eat that obnoxious piece of shit. 

Disc 2 is just all those weird cartoons they did while they were stoned.  The one with the singing book covers and another one with bad impersonations of celebrities.  I was so disappointed.

They did make up for it by putting the singing frog one on disc 2.  Also --hooray!-- one Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Where's my Road Runner?  Where's Taz or Marvin?  Heck Daffy was barely on there and the only time we saw Elmer was when Sylvester was singing and keeping him awake.  What?  He doesn't hunt wabbits anymore?  Lame!

Oh yeah, and the Bugs one.  He's just playing piano the whole time.

The bright spot:  they managed to leave off Foghorn Leghorn.  Yippee for small favors!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I Just Got Knocked Up By A Chick

To be completely fair, I was asking for it.  I didn't do much to lose my baby weight from last year.  As a result, I look the exact same way I did when they wheeled me out with the baby.  It sucks, but I figure I'll get to losing it eventually.

Today, one of our more ... unstable ... clients came in today to demand some face time with MisManager.  As she was waiting for MisManager to drop everything she was doing to run and attend to her whims, CrazyClient decided to get all oddly friendly with the rest of us little people.  She yelled at one of my 19-year old boys.  "Hiiiii-iiiiii JailBait!"  We'll just call him JailBait because he looks like he's 15.

She gets around to me, "Hey!  Susanna!!!!"  Who the hell is that crazy lady talking to?  She's been coming into my office for 5 years.  My name isn't Susanna.  My name doesn't even sound like Susanna.  I mean, it has an 'a' at the end, but that would be the only resemblance.

As I was turning to gently correct her mild social faux pas, she throws her hands up in the air and screams, "OH MY GOD!  YOU'RE PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!"


I'm not going to lie and pretend like it brought me no pleasure to inform her that: 1) "My name is not Susanna." and 2) "I'm not pregnant."

She was so humiliated that she almost started crying.  Lesson learned.
Monday, October 19, 2009

Yeah, Me Too

We had a lunch date with your new employee MisManager.  You've known that today was her first day for over a month now.  Why did you make another lunch date with a business partner today?  What's wrong with any other day this week?

You fought really long and hard to get this girl into the office and she really didn't get much of a reception.  You took off before she even got there, then showed up long enough to fly through the office barking, "I have to go, my daughter is sick!" at everyone before taking off again.

Oh yeah, well, me too.  My daughter is also sick, but I put in my time today and I also had lunch with your new girl.  My daughter is 3 and was heartbroken that she didn't get to go in with Mama and Dada today and play with her school friends.  I was also pretty sad that I couldn't just stay home and care for her.  Your kid, on the other hand, is 15 and can fend for herself. 

Maybe I should just go home too, jerk.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Pharmacy Field Trip

Well, I found out where all the 8-year old adults hang out.  They all catch the Peter Pan bus to the Walgreen's down the street from my house.  Then they choose to get in line at the pharmacy and mock the employees.

"Maybe they need an Optometrist office next door.  They don't seem to seem to see us all standing here."
"So anyone wanna play cards?"
"If I ordered a pizza right now, it would probably get here before I was through the line."
"Look!  That one's going home!  Yeah, that's what they need.  Less help."

All right.  I'm going to roll up my sleeves and explain basic line logic to you assholes.

  1. Store attendants, pharmacy techs, bank tellers, DMV employees and all of their professional counterparts do not call 20 (200 in the case of the DMV) people to tell them to come in all at once.  They have no control over when people show up or how many.  You know this because you did not have to book an appointment to come yourself.
  2. Likewise, they have no control over what people are bringing to them.  Just because you just need one tube of ass wart cream, doesn't mean that a new pharmacy customer isn't starting anti-rejection meds.  
  3. Loudly mocking the people that you depend on to help you is not a great way to foster cooperation.  I'm not even sure why I have to explain this. 
  4. As for the girl who needed to leave, her shift was over.  I know that you've been waiting for a while, but there are still 4 people working very hard on clearing the line.  It's not like the one who left was the magical key to instantly moving you through the line.  The fact that it formed while she was there would be a huge clue.
So, I hope you learned something today, you stupid pack of jackasses.  Maybe next time you'll exercise a little patience or possibly even a little brain power.  I know it's a lot to ask, but I'm sure you have it in you.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Chronic Selective Amnesia

It's sad that you suffer from this disorder, MissMunchausen employee.  On top of your growing list of other disturbing ailments, this is the last thing that you need.  What a tragedy.

 By far, this is the worst case of Chronic Selective Amnesia I've ever seen.  Your symptoms are keeping you from remembering even the most basic instructions.  For instance, we just talked last week, both as a group and to you individually, about the expectation that everyone call in to us 1/2 an hour before their scheduled start time when they're going to be absent or late.

Calling us 2 hours after your scheduled start time doesn't fit within that guideline.  Is it just coincidence that your extreme tardiness happened on a day when my manager and I were out at a meeting?  Probably not.  Your CSA seems to flare up worse when we're out of the office.

Speaking of the office, this is where you called us from.  That's just crazy.  I'm not even sure that broken logic is CSA related.

Thanks for calling to let us know that you graced the office with your presence.  We were busy learning about protected disorders according to the Americans With Disabilities Act.  I'll be sure to double-check the list to make sure that CSA is on there.
Thursday, October 1, 2009

Food Stamps / WIC / Cash

I understand what you're doing, because  we used to use these programs when I was growing up.  There are certain things you can get with your WIC voucher, certain things you can buy with the food stamps and the rest you have to pay for in cash.  The programs are out there to help and I'm never one to look down on someone for using it.

I'm looking down on you, Tool, because you fought with the cashier about everything you had on the belt.  That poor lady had to call her supervisor over twice to help check you out because you kept trying to pay for crap with your food stamps and WIC voucher that were not approved.

I stood in the line behind your dumb ass for 15 minutes watching you struggle to check out less than 100 items.

Next time, pay attention to which juices are or aren't approved by WIC.  Ask your case worker whether or not potato chips are covered.  Instead of arguing with the cashier about it for 5 minutes, maybe ask her to put that stuff back for now so you can check your facts and come back some other time.  LIKE WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T GROWING A BEARD WAITING FOR YOU TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  Hell, my 3-year old daughter had a wicked-looking soul patch by the time you were done.

Lucky for you, some aliens kidnapped my kid and replaced her with a quiet, patient pod baby.  Normally, she would have been screaming bloody murder.  I'm just vicious enough to point her right at you.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Well, Thanks For No Nothing

The half hour after I wake up in the morning is my time.  I just sit on the couch with my coffee and pretend to watch the news.  Really, what I'm doing is nothing.  Just not one damn thing.  I'm not thinking, planning, reflecting, regretting, anything.  It's my nothing time.  My favorite time of the day.

This morning there was no nothing time.  Why?  Because Mr. A decided that, instead of waking me up at my regularly scheduled time, he would not wake me up at all and then fall asleep on the couch.  Now I'm 45 minutes past the time that I need to be awake.  I should have already had my work clothes in the dryer ironed.  I should have already showered (sorry coworkers).  I should have coffee.

Now I have 30 minutes to wash myself well enough to not be followed by stink fumes all day, get dressed in something that doesn't require any dryer time ironing, pack up my daughter for preschool, wake her, dress her and get my butt out the door.

It's a good thing my Superwoman cape didn't need to be dryer ironed.
Friday, September 25, 2009

My Other Car Is The Short Bus

To all the assholes on the road tonight: when you finally Darwin yourself into oblivion, don't take me with you.

Red means stop.  Red at a 6-way overpass means REALLY, REALLY STOP!
iPod Guy:
Take your fucking headphones off.  That emergency vehicle you can't hear might just be on its way to your mom's house, you stupid loser.
Winnebago Fucker:
You're towing a car with a Winnebago.  You're not driving a scooter.  Be a little more observant of your exits so you don't feel obligated to cut off 2 lanes of traffic.  AND USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS.
Stealth Racer:
Riding up my ass is dumb enough.  I'm universally renowned for spacing out and needing to stomp my brakes.  Doing it without your lights on is suicide.
Sunday Driver:
The speed limit is already 30.  Going 25 MPH in front of the 4 other cars trying to drive that road just because you wanted to finish listening to a song before you got home is un-neighborly.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, that was me.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dental Doofus

Okay, Dental Assistant, I know you went to school to learn the basics of your chosen profession.  However, you should have taken the Logic And Common Sense course.  You need it.  Here are a couple of the factoids you would have picked up on there:

  1. The mouth has a back area.  You get too close to that with that huge ass suction tube thing and you'll most likely gag your patient.  This would have saved you from gagging me 4 times with the stupid thing yesterday.
  2. People have nerves in their jaw.  When you didn't numb me at all before attempting to remove my temporary crown, it made me a little nervous.  It wouldn't have scared me at all had you been your more seasoned counterpart, but you suck, so I was fairly worried.  For good reason.  You took the damn plier-like contraption and closed it around my jaw and yanked.  As I screamed in pain, you jump out of your chair and rush to announce to the dentist that I'm "too sensitive" and will need to be numbed for the removal.  I didn't try to argue because I was MISSING HALF MY JAW.
The only good news is, that was the last of my dental work.  I will no longer have to endure your ineptitude.
Friday, September 18, 2009

Way To Assume There, Wal-Mart

This morning I learned that a couple in the area is suing Wal-Mart.  They took their family photos into one of the stores to get print outs of the pictures taken.  Some of the pictures were of a theme that I can't say any parent hasn't taken a photo of: bath time.  Of course, in a bath kids are going to be naked.  On one hand, it's probably something that should have been left at home, and not brought in on their memory card.  On the other hand, Wal-Mart's response was to:

Call the cops and tell them that the parents took sexually exploitative pictures of their children.

Whut?  I sincerely don't know a parent who's passed on that photo op.  What did they used to do in the old days of film?  Oh yeah, USE THEIR DAMN BRAIN!

This poor couple's kids were taken away and it took them a month to regain full custody.  Normally, I'm skeptical when I hear about anyone suing any big chain store.  I assume the cynical "they're just trying to get money" excuse.  Not in this case.  I hope they get m-i-l-l-i-o-n-s.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Douche Of The Day Award

I'm coming out from under my rock to bring you the first ever Douche Of The Day Award.  On my "Tool" blog.  Who cares.  I haven't slept for, like, a month so fuck it.  And the nominees are:

Irony Lady: Your "I Get My Energy From The Sun" bumper sticker on your gas guzzling truck, that obviously hasn't passed emissions for a long time, was good for a smile.  But then you had to spew stacks of cigarette smoke into the air and block my access to the energy-giving sun.  You're a douche.

Wife Man:  You're not your wife.  As much as you think you're clever in trying to pretend that we're too stupid to know the difference, we actually interact with your wife a lot and understand that she is, in fact, a lady.  One whose voice registers in, what would be considered, an average female range.  Oh, and she's Korean.  You don't even try to pull off the accent.  Why?  'Cuz you're a douche.

Not-So-Secret Agent Wife:  Okay, so you don't even hide the fact that you're calling to check up on what your husband is up to.  Lucky for him, my staff just got a good reminder of why the Consumer Privacy Act trumps community property laws.  You're outta luck douche.

Obsessive "Commercial" Guy:  I know what a "commercial" business is.  It's a business that keeps multi-millions of dollars on it's books at any given time.  It's a business that typically either has multiple offices or franchises.  It is not some stupid dickhead that has one customer and only gets paid once every 3 months.  Stop calling me telling me that my manager made some deal of the century with you because you're a bigshot commercial business man.  All. Day Long.  I have better things to do than to explain the same 4 things over and over again.  I eventually had to -- very rudely -- tell you that if you couldn't wait patiently for my manager's return to clarify the terms of the business she set, then the answer to everything you're requesting is "NO!" and "I DON'T CARE!"  Now look up the word "commercial" as it relates to "business" you douche.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Get The Lead Out, Magoo!

We leave work at around the same time every day.  For some reason, CluelessMagoo, you seem to have this weird temporal disconnect that prohibits you from experiencing your day in real-time.  Every night we have to wait while it takes you close to 5 minutes to pack your damn laptop into its bag and shuffle your papers around like you just noticed 'em. 

Today was not a good day for this routine.  We were already late leaving and I had about 5 minutes to get my kid before I was past the 10 hour maximum that I can leave her at preschool.  I warned you a few times that we needed to go and asked if you'd like us to leave you behind.  You declined, stating that you were just about done.  My ass.

You don't want to stay by yourself because you don't trust the neighborhood.  I don't blame you.  The days that I don't see a drug deal or a pussy purchase take place in the parking lot are rare.  There is an extremely unstable homeless guy who lives in our dumpster.  Working next door to a liquor store that gets robbed at all hours of the day at least once a week is unsettling to say the least.  I wouldn't be caught dead in that neighborhood by myself.  Well, I guess the point is that I actually would get caught dead if I hung around that neighborhood by myself...

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, next time I'm just going to leave your befuddled behind to stave off these wackos.  I can't get Child Protective Services called on me because you're too stupid to have worked out that whole leaving routine we do where we lock up our stuff and turn off our computers.  Oh, and the turning off the lights thing.  Usually a dead giveaway.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Schedule Schizo

Dear MisManager:

This letter is to inform you that I seriously fear for your memory.  I'm not sure if you eat a big bowl of Brain-Cell-B-Gone for breakfast every morning or if you live under high voltage power lines, but you've gotta up your Ginko Biloba intake.

Two weeks ago you tore me a new asshole because I made a schedule accommodation for an employee who is out of sick time.  She was off one day that week anyway and I moved her day from Thursday to Monday.  I didn't see the harm in it at the time, but you were citing nonsensical reasons like, "Great!  Now we have to do that for her every time." (?....Seriously?  You say yes to someone once and you never have the right to say no again?  Huh.)  and my favorite, "Now we have to do that for everyone."  (?....Again, seriously?  No one else is either out of sick time or asking for accommodations for gall bladder surgery consultations.  You know, as in "they need to remove a poor performing part of her body.")

So last week SallySicko needed another day off to meet with her surgeon.  The way she went about asking for the day off (more like telling me in front of clients and coworkers) was not the most professional thing she could have done, but that isn't the point.  I remembered that I was missing 1/2 my ass from the last time, so I made other arrangements with her.  She got to keep her appointment, I got to not make another decision that was going to have you yelling in my face.

Oh, how wrong was I?  Now you're accusing me of being unfair to her because I didn't give her the time off that she originally requested.  Wow.  How does that work?  You get to make up the rules as we go to fit whatever mood you're in?

Don't make me start bringing my voice recorder to our meetings, you stupid cow.


T. Awesomeness, Esq.
Sunday, August 30, 2009


I never really go to the online "sell your own crap" type sites.  I guess I just figure if I want homemade crap, I'd just get off my damn lazy ass and make it myself.  Don't laugh, I can sew a straight line like no one's business.

Recently, a buddy of mine opened a shop on Etsy and I was checking it out.  I said, "Eh, why not poke around a little and see what else is on here."  Oh goodness, why?  Why did I look?

They have a feature on there called "Pounce" that just pulls up random crap.  You can filter it by "Just Sold" (shops that just sold an item) or "Undiscovered" (shops that can't sell shit).  I was curious why no sales for the Undiscovereds.  And now I know.

Take this purse for instance:

Hey, that's pretty cute!  What's that gonna run me?  Oh?  $10.00?  Not bad, I think I might.....NO!  That's the shipping and handling.  If you actually want something that looks like this purse it'll run ya $150.00.  Well, no fucking wonder.  What's it made out of?  George Clooney's pubic hair?  For shit's sake.  $150.00?  Let's look at something different.
What the hell is this?  It's a flower?  Are they selling a daisy on Etsy?  Naw!  They're selling just this:

 It's the picture of the flower.  Some yo-yo wants me to spend $14.00 of my hard-earned dough on a picture I can take myself.  I'll take my own daisy pictures for free, psycho.  Okay, what else?

Someone's ugly wrinkly shirt for $25.00?

Another one?  Who the hell is paying $150.00 for these purses.  I'd like to have a word with you.

This horse pillow with dingle balls.  I'm not even sure what the point of this is, but it's $20.00.

Okay, I actually kind of dig the knit cthulhu:

Anyway, so it's not all crap, but if any of these "shopkeepers" were asking my opinion (one of these days someone will be desperate enough to do so), I say stop making crap no one wants, then charging more than it's worth.

And start knitting some cthulhus (or is it cthulhi?).  I think I'm going to go back and add that guy to my favorites.
Friday, August 28, 2009

Take My Word For It

It seemed like a theme for yesterday. 

The first time I heard it was from some guy who claimed that the other party responsible for signing his paperwork had, in fact, signed the document.  Problem: I know the guy's signature and that wasn't it.  Even after explaining this to the guy he says, "You can trust me.  You have my word."

The second time I heard it was from a little old lady.   She was having some difficulty signing her paperwork due to a medical condition that affected her hands, so I told her, "You can just initial or make some other kind of mark that's friendlier for your hands."  Her response: "This is ridiculous.  I don't know why I have to sign at all.  You see me sitting here."  Uh, yeah...the people I forward these documents to are going to get a little picky about there not being some kind of ink on this paper.  We talked a lot about Power Of Attorney and she almost told me to get bent.  Seriously?

The last time I heard it was from some young chick that was clearly ... battling some demons (read: strung out on drugs).  She was asking our help to access some funds that belonged to her daughter.  This woman's mother had worded her agreement in such a way that excluded the junkie from having access to them.  Good job Grandma!  We explained that we couldn't help her at all with her inquiries and she says, "But my mom said it was okay that we do this.  Trust me." 

No, I don't think I will.
Friday, August 21, 2009

The Night Before Saturday

'Twas the night before Saturday, when all through my work,

Everyone was all crazy, and being a jerk;

The clients were hanging off the door before open,

Don't think that they'll vaporize but I'm always hopin';

The employees were all puking and sick,

One of them's fakin', she can suck a fat dick;

And manager late as usual, I could care less,

You've got food on your clothes you fat, ugly mess;

She shows us a scowl that cuts through the chatter,

Then picks apart all our work like we don't even matter;

I punched her real hard, the fat fucking slob,

Ok, I didn't because I need my job.

She finally left without helping at all,

Probably went off to go cruise the mall,

At least now she stopped making us crazy,

It must be real hard to be that dumb and lazy,

She shouted with glee as she drove out of sight,

"See ya tomorrow! You know you're coming in right?"

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Again, I'm a lazy ass. I'm sure that there's a technical term for being deathly afraid of dentists, but I don't care to look it up. Actually, if I'm thinking logically, I'm pretty sure the title would indicate that I'm afraid of teeth. Well, close enough.

A gazillion years ago in my last visit to the dentist, I bravely sat there while Dr. Quackenstein fucked up my smile. Call me crazy, but I thought that dentists were supposed to make your teeth look good. I really must be an ignorant jerk.

He left black filling materials in one of my front teeth, drilled another one 1/2 way through then made fun of me when I asked him if he was going to fill it in (direct quote, "Why do you want it filled in? For cosmetic reasons?" Uh, yeah asshole. I don't like looking like a snaggle-tooth hillbilly), and lastly he filled in one of my back teeth only to have it break 2 weeks later on a sunflower seed.

I never went back. I never formally complained. I just tell everyone I know that story. He gets anti-referrals from me.

I finally got up the courage to go back to the dentist recently. The whole experience wasn't really as bad as I remember. Maybe I just have always had Scrivello-esque dentists. I needed a couple of fillings and my broken tooth will need a crown, but overall it wasn't too bad.

Until he was filling in one of my teeth and discovered that the last dentist just filled over one of my cavities. As if I didn't already despise that guy enough. Oh, and also, my new dentist was chastising me for the huge hole in my canine. He looked at me like I was a psycho when I told him that my old dentist left it that way. After the cavity-behind-the-filling discovery, I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not lying.

The other guy sincerely thought my tooth had a better shot at surviving with a huge, gaping hole. *cough*whatanasshole*cough*
Thursday, August 13, 2009

Hey Asshole! You Hate Chicken Wings...

Note to self:

When someone asks you if you want chicken wings, just say no. You hate them. Eating meat from the bone reminds you that the meat used to be an animal. The fat hanging off the things makes you gag. The skin gives you the willies. I'm not sure why you don't just give it up and become a vegetarian.

What do you do instead? You say "Suuuuuure! I'll have a few wings!" What is it about these stupid things that gives you disgust amnesia? You get them in front of you on a plate and it all comes flooding back. Now you're wasting food that someone else would have gladly eaten. What happens is you have to go picking through these fried up baby chick limbs for the tiny amounts of actual meat on there. It takes for.stinkin'.ever. Then you get all paranoid that you're about to eat a vein that you've somehow missed.

Enough is enough. Stop the madness.

How About Some Real Irony Alanis?

For all my grumblings about the tiny trespasses throughout my day, I'm really not a hateful person. No, all of my actual hate gets reserved for tools like Doug Manchester. Doug has been a major contributor to the anti-gay marriage movement. Let me just state for the record that I am firmly for gay marriage.

But, but, but Awesomeness....what about the sanctity of m-m-m-marriage? Fuck you. What are we trying to preserve here? Let's take a quick look:

  • Even in this day and age, marriages are still arranged. Often between unwilling parties and often with "women" who have barely gotten their first period.
  • Partner swapping is gaining popularity. I'm actually questioning if it's happening more, or if it was always a big deal and just not exposed as it is today. Whatever. Another time.
  • Cheating is so commonplace that it's no longer scandalous.
  • People marry out of obligation or expectation rather than commitment. This is my bottom line. Some of these convenient excuses: pregnancy, obligation for time served in the relationship, parental expectation, pay and benefits, unrealistic expectations of a marriage certificate fixing problems with the relationship.

My point: marriage, as it is, is not an institution that we need to preserve for select people. Two consenting adults does a relationship make. It's not any less serious a relationship just because the couple involved can't procreate with each other. Hell, heterosexual married couples opt not to have children. How are they any different?

Where is the line drawn? I've heard ignorant rantings from assholes who get their panties in a bunch because their insane theory is that it will open the floodgates for other undesirable couplings. I'm not sure that some people weren't harmed making such a drastic leap.

People marrying animals: animals cannot consent to a relationship.

Adult people marrying children: children also cannot give consent to a relationship. They can be pressured into saying they're fine with something to please an adult, but that's clearly not the same thing.

Oh yeah, and Doug Manchester, he's divorcing his wife of 43 years. How special is your marriage now Doug? You hate mongering tool.
Sunday, August 9, 2009

To My Work Children

Dear Work Children:

I was gone for one damn day and you all somehow managed to do everything but burn the place down. I know that some people think they're the "brains of the operation," but I think it might not be a huge stretch in my case.

How many times do I have to train you all how to fix errors in your submitted paperwork? I'll refresh your memory: it begins when you pull out the paperwork you fucked up and ends with you doing it over again for resubmission. Truth be told, those are the only 2 steps involved.

Can someone besides me put sugary food away in the refrigerator so we don't get ants?

Locking the cabinets 101: put the key-thingie I keep showing you into the little keyhole that it fits into. Turn.

When MisManager tells you to throw away tools that are mandatory for our security protocols, Just. Say. No. Good thing the trash hadn't been emptied yet.

Please refrain from stuffing my work folder with your filing. File your own shit you lazy assholes.

I will neither approve overtime for nor will I comp you for any time you volunteered to stay after your scheduled time out once your work is completed. "Out time" means "Get The Fuck Out." If you like it so much at work that you just can't bear to leave, that's on your own dime.

Don't leave it to me to call for maintenance to come out to remove graffiti from the property.

Also, when I mention the graffiti and the fact that it needs to be removed, don't bore me with a 5 minute long story about pigeon crap on a sign no one looks at. Let it go or call it in yourself.

If you're going to write me a note to let me know what happened while I was gone, emailing me and telling your coworker to tell me all about it is OVERKILL. I'm sure you'll also tell me yourself when you come back to work on Monday. I'll be nice and try not to stab you in the jugular with my pen.

The boss
Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cheese - The Only Food You Need


Listen Grandma. You're an old lady and you're doing us a huge favor by watching our kids, so I'll try to take it easy on you. I have a newsflash: there are other foods in my kitchen besides ___(insert carb here)___ and cheese.

When you were feeding my daughter like this, I was pregnant and too tired to fight you. Now she eats 3 things for dinner: macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, Ramen noodles with cheese (I know....poor kid). I do not want this for my son. I am not too tired to fight you this time.

When I come home from work to you proudly proclaiming that my son has scarfed down his macaroni and cheese dinner -- for the 3rd time in a week -- that's the last straw. I asked you to feed him something else and we have this conversation:

CheesyGrandma: I don't know what else to feed him.
Awesomeness: Food. Any Food. Any OTHER food. There's an entire kitchen full of it.
CheesyGrandma: Like what? I just don't know what else there is.
Awesomeness: What did you eat for dinner? Could you have offered him that?
CheesyGrandma: I ate chicken.
Awesomeness: There you go. Cut it up into little pieces and feed it to him.
CheesyGrandma: You want him to eat chicken?
Awesomeness: *trying not to strangle an old lady* Yes! I want him to eat chicken and other such foods. Anything else but macaroni and cheese.

I can't talk to you anymore Grandma, I'm losing it. We have our fridge, freezer and cupboards packed with good foods. This morning I fired you from dinner duty only because hubby won't let me fire you all together.

I can't stop you from feeding my son nothing but pancakes for breakfast. I can't stop you from feeding him nothing but peaches and jelly bread for lunch. I am home for dinner, however and I'll make sure that he eats real food like last night's chicken, avocado, tomato and black beans. He loved it. Probably because it wasn't macaroni and cheese AGAIN.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Sorry For The Inconvenience Your Majesty


You've got places to go and people to annoy, don't you CourierMan. It's just very aggravating for you that my company employs your company to transport documents back and forth between our offices, and you let us all know that.

You have a scheduled arrival time of 9:10. When you show up at 8:30 because it's more convenient for you, don't you think that giving us just a few minutes to get our stuff ready would be the polite thing to do? Obviously not, or you wouldn't have made my blog.

Instead, you stomp around the client waiting area all annoyed. You point out, a few times, to my staff that you have a schedule to keep. Nevermind that you're a full 40 minutes early for any schedule-keeping appearances.

Please note CourierMan: I don't care how many stops you need to make after you leave my building. I don't care that you're driving into traffic. I don't care that your next stops will also hold you up by not having their stuff completely ready (because you're 40 minutes early, by the way, in case I didn't mention that enough). The next time you stomp your pompous feet in my building, your ass is waiting for the scheduled pick-up time.
Saturday, August 1, 2009

Don't Be That Guy (Hella Long...Just Like My Week -- Again)


Everyone wants to complain nowadays about how customer service has gone downhill. On some levels, I would tend to agree, but I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret. Just as kids make parents crazy assholes, customers make service representative utterly heartless and completely insane.

For example, here are the types of people I've had to work with this week. Most of them just yesterday:

Neddy NameDropper: At the first sign of trouble, Neddy starts droppin' names like they're hot plates full of angry scorpions. Who cares if those names still work there. Who cares if those names even know who you are. Who cares if the policy you're trying to circumvent came down as a direct imperative from the name they're tossing at you.... Pssssst...Neddy, it usually is.

Don't be that guy. No one is impressed that you know the name of their manager. If you make a phone call to an office and ask who the manager is, you now have that information. Congratulations.

A tip: if you actually know the manager, or someone else that makes a difference, it is a lot more impacting when you just quietly take down the name of the jackass helping you and report them calmly and factually. When you scream and fling names like ninja stars at people, it's harder to take you or your problem seriously.

Lambert The Loyal: This customer pleads their case by reminding you that they've been a customer of your company since before the dinosaurs died. Then they go and blow that terrific argument by telling you that they've been considering doing business with another firm recently. Why'd you do it Lammy? You were doing so well!

Don't be that guy. Lambert is a douche to the 20th power. He's also like a second cousin to Neddy NameDropper. They share that, "Don't make me find someone else that will take better care of me than you." attitude. Now, please don't mistake that statement. The customer should be taken care of. I'm talking about unreasonable requests. Such as the one I got yesterday when some Lambert walked in and wanted to be waited on before the 5 other people standing in front of him because he was "in a hurry". Uh, so is everyone else.

A tip: if you actually have a reasonable argument to make, just make it. You don't need to pad your facts with veiled or overt threats about taking your business to a competitor. If you don't like the service somewhere, you're always free to go somewhere else. Everyone knows this, the reminders are unnecessary. It makes you look like a manipulative dick.

FairWeather Franny: When everything is hunky-dory, Franny is the nicest person you'll ever know. She'll joke, chat, commiserate, compliment. Until the smallest thing doesn't go her way. Suddenly, you're out to screw her, you're liars, you killed her kitten in the 3rd grade.

Don't be that guy. Sorry we're not perfect Franny. No one is. It's the same thing Lambert's going to find out when he finally goes off to CoolCompetitor.

A tip: if you ever find yourself faced with a problem with a company you otherwise love, calmly and intelligently work it out. Most of the time, these things happen because of a miscommunication or misunderstanding. It's not the end of the world and alienating yourself from the people that you rely on with spoiled brat antics is not too smart.

GuiltTrip Gary: If you're a nice person, you'll take good care of this guy. You don't seem to care at all that he can't afford the fees that your company charges everyone for service. Your reasonable alternatives do Gary no good because they involve Gary doing something besides standing in front of you and whining about how life's unfair because he can't pay you for what he's asking for. Gary's no dummy, he knows that you make a commission off of all of your company's fees and that's the only reason you're charging.

Don't be that guy. If you don't already know, companies charge fees for services. They'll let you know up front what they are. If they don't, run for the hills. Sometimes fees can be negotiated, but a lot of times, you'll need to just accept that they are what they are and make a choice to either pay them or find out what your alternatives are.

A tip: employees don't typically have control over what their companies charge. They just know that there is a charge and it applies to your circumstance. Demanding their manager is a gamble. Some of them do have a personal stake in their office's bottom line. For a reason. Figure out your alternatives and if the charge is really worth it before you complain. If you have questions about the legitimacy of any charge, demand to see it in writing. If the employee can't produce some sort of written document that breaks down your charges, go elsewhere.

Insider Isabel: The worst person to wait on is someone who is also in the same industry. Some asshats actually expect better service than they give from other people who share their chosen profession. They'll condescendingly instruct the employee through every aspect of their job. I'm guessing just for shits 'n giggles.

Don't be that guy. You know what it's like to be the person whose life you're now making into a living hell. Instructing someone who is not under your direct supervision does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a tool.

A tip: remember that office to office, store to store, restaurant to restaurant rules change. You have different management, different clientele, different environment. Just because you're in the same profession, it doesn't mean you've done their job.

My favorite phrase of the week:

"Are you going to explain to my boss why I can't afford the necessary equipment to finish my job thanks to you?" Uh, no. You don't want me to make that call. I will actually tell your boss that you had alternatives to paying for our services. Free alternatives.

My least favorite phrase of the week:

"You people....." I don't even care what you have to say after that. The quickest way to ensure a negative outcome with me is to start your sentence that way. I can't believe how much ignorance and contempt can be woven into two words.

All right. Everyone cross your fingers that next week will be better. I have Monday and Friday off, so it just has to be 3 easy days.

Please don't suck, please don't suck, please don't suck....
Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Just Kidding!!


You know....I don't really get the unfunny kidding thing. Maybe I'm the asshole, but jokes should make people laugh.

Like, other people, not just the teller of the "joke."

Employee: Can you look at my work I'm doing for CrazyClient to make sure it's correct?
Awesomeness: Yeah, sure!
:checks over notes of all work, looks thorough:
Awesomeness: Looks good. Have a good day Mr. CrazyClient.
CrazyClient: Aren't you going to make sure his notes correspond to what's in the computer?
Awesomeness: Uh, no. I'm just going to make sure that he's logging all of his work.
CrazyClient: But what happens if he isn't correct.
Awesomeness: That's a serious concern, but Employee has been consistently accurate in the past. If, for whatever reason, an issue arises, I will accept full responsibility and fix it.
:CrazyClient laughs and pounds the counter:
CrazyClient: Jesus! I was kidding....
Awesomeness: ...........................:crickets:........................Okay, have a good day.

That dialog was incredibly boring. There was no reason for me to believe that any of that was a joke. We're not really in a business where mistakes are taken lightly either.

When you wanna make me laugh CrazyClient, say something like this instead:

A guy walks into a
bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
Saturday, July 25, 2009

And Now.......A Bitch Break

Also known as a Simper Session or a Waaaaaahbinar. I've had a rough week and I'm totally holding you all hostage.

Monday: I come into work to learn that we're still having ongoing issues with our equipment, our phone lines went down, some of our locks need to be re-keyed, some parts of our outdoor facilities are falling apart and one of my employees blew up our toaster oven. Oh, by the way, it's cultural diversity week! Can I bring something for lunch that reflects my cultural heritage? Oh sure! I'm Irish, so I'll just bring a bushel of potatoes and some whiskey.

I go home to find that my son is being allowed to take late naps. Spectacular! I don't need sleep anyway.

Tuesday: I thought that soda bread and potato soup would be easy enough to make and transport. They are the easiest things in the world to make when you don't have a screaming 11 month old clinging to your pants. I scalded myself twice on the soup trying to find a suitable container to transport it in. I finally had to settle on Ziploc baggies. Fancy Schmancy. I get the soup to work, where I spill it all over myself and the floor. Hope no one actually wanted soup.

Manager decided to yell at my entire staff this morning for something only one of them did. That's always great for morale. Toaster Oven Employee lost important client paperwork. For the second time in a month. Same client, same paperwork. Office equipment is broken again. Locks still aren't re-keyed because, no matter who I call, it seems to be some other guy's job.

We pick up GrumpyGirl from preschool and she has a weird rash on her knees that we just dismissed after a while as rug burn.

My son is late napping again.

Wednesday: Both kids are screaming bloody murder this morning. Baby boy just wants his Mommy, the girl doesn't want to be awake at 6:30 in the morning, but we need to take her to school. We get her all the way in to school just in time to notice that she's broken out into a head-to-toe rash. I guess it wasn't rug burn.

I go inside to ask her teacher what she ate yesterday and I learn that she didn't eat anything unusual. I also learn that the lady I thought was her teacher (because she's in the classroom with the kids every morning) is actually a kitchen employee. Now I'm pissed but I don't have time to get to the bottom of the teacher mystery.

I have to call into work so I can take her to the doctor. My manager is upset because it's just inconvenient timing. I'm sorry, I'll reschedule the rash for Thursday. Tool.

Hubby and I carpool and we live an hour away from work. He has work to do that he can't get out of. So I have to drop him off (he also has to take Rashy for a moment), run into my work real quick to make sure the building won't spontaneously combust, go back to his work to pick up The Rashster, drive all the way back home. Feed Sicko some lunch, throw her back in the car, drive all the way back in to pick him up, drive in to her doctor.

After all that work, what news do we get from the doctor? A virus. Just some mystery virus. If it doesn't clear up in a week, let her know.

Little boy decides to stay awake until midnight and then only sleep until 4:30.

Thursday: Locks are finally re-keyed. Yaaaaaay! All of our computers are intermittently going offline. Boooooooooo! The 2 things that I handed off to other people the day before were not done, so my manager had to step in and guess who she's mad at for it.

Manager, once again, seizes the opportunity to change procedure while I'm gone. I have to take 3 meetings and make 7 phone calls to sort that mess out.

Today is the launch of a new electronic delivery system for our client documents. This is supposed to save the company millions of dollars. That's great, because now it's causing my staff to have to work twice as hard. To get ready for the new system, the tech team came out the day before and replaced our server. Now my printer doesn't work. No one will be able to fix it until Monday.

Baby Boy stayed up and SCREAMED. BLOODY. MURDER. until 1:00.

Friday: Sicko Girl puked all over her room.

One of our business partners decided to move into our office. He was supposed to come last week, then changed his mind, then he was supposed to come Wednesday, but he changed his mind again. This time, he came with files. He's a fussy nightmare. He bikes into work, which in Phoenix means he stinks to high heaven. He complained that we don't have a shower. Show of hands, who all has a shower at their work?

He's a vegan. I don't really care what his food preferences are, but he's already expressing his concern that we're keeping animal bi-products in our breakroom. That's going to happen dude, the rest of us are meatitarians. He's my tool for this post.

My inlaws decided to come for a surprise visit. They were waiting for us when I got home. Of course, hubby decided to cut out of work early to hang out with his friends, so I had to deal with them alone.

The high point: I managed not to drink myself into a stupor last night. :pat on the back:

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Oh I'm So Grateful.....Wait, I'm NOT!

It would just be so much easier Ms. Mess, if you would just let me know what the hell you actually want. You came in with a problem and asked for our help. Awesome SuperStaff Friends to the rescue!!

In today's episode of the Awesome SuperStaff Friends:

And what can we help you with today, ma'am?

I'm an idiot and screwed up. I don't know my elbow from my asshole, but I heard that you are the right people to help me figure it out. Save me!

It would be my pleasure ma'am. That's why we're here.

By the way, how much does this cost?

(after some calculation) Almost nothing!


No, almost nothing.

I don't really want to pay that, I want to pay...nothing.

Okay.....we can authorize 1/2 off under special circumstances. Do you meet X, Y and Z criteria?

Ohmygod! I totally do!!

Terrrrrrrrific. Half off for you then.

Wow, you're so nice. Thanks so much SuperStaff. You're my hero. Let's run hand-in-hand through a poppy field singing "Kumbaya."

Ten minutes later, Miss Manager shows up and flattens the building with her GloomRay:

Manager: Ms. Mess just came by my office. She's very upset that you didn't offer our services for free.

Awesomeness: Was I supposed to?

Manager: Oh hell no. She wanted me to give her back her fee, but I told her to eat shit and die. I'm actually not too happy that you gave her a discount. I'm just telling you because listening to the sound of my own voice is a hobby of mine.

Awesomeness: Well, good to know. Feel free to speak at length about things that we can't possibly change.

Manager: You know I will. Otherwise, your blog would be even more boring.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's show when Manager tries to fix an unbroken situation by using passive manipulation.

Oh wait, that was today.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Turn Lane Twit

I know, I know. I've been quiet and now I come back with some lame traffic annoyance. Work and the kids are taking turns kicking my ass right now, so this is what you get.

A major intersection near our work is one of the most dangerous in the country. Why? Because idiots like today's tool doesn't understand the rules of turning. This asshole HAS to go to McDonalds and he's apparently late to work or something.

I'll give him credit for actually utilizing the turn lane. I'll give him even more credit for not driving in the turn lane. How did he lose all of his cool points? Picture this:

We're driving eastbound in the left-most driving lane.
He's facing westbound in the turn lane having a Macattack. There is one car trying to turn ahead of him.
The guy in front of TLT (who is no less a tool than TLT) goes all kamikaze and cuts across 3 lanes of early morning Phoenix traffic to dive into the McDonald's parking lot.
We slam on our brakes a little to avoid major battle damage.
TLT thinks this is an indication that we are stopping to let him go also, so he starts to turn into us.
We're well past the point where we can actually stop, so we have to keep going.
TLT honks at us. Because we're assholes for driving in the driving lanes and blocking him from getting his McLatte.

Seriously? You're jonesing for a McGriddle that bad that you'll try to take out anyone in your way.

I'm going to put together a commission to find what kind of crack they're slipping into McDonald's food that their patrons have to resort to these tactics to get their morning fix. Who's with me?
Monday, July 13, 2009

Reminder: Use Birth Control Before Entering Pool

Magdalena Kwiatkowska, I don't want to be mean and all, but your daughter's a lying skank. You're suing an Egyptian hotel because you honestly believe that your 13-year old daughter got pregnant by swimming in the pool there?

Well, if you believe that, maybe I can interest you in your very own acre of land on the moon. Parcels are going quickly. Act fast!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Third Time's A Charm

Today is my husband's and my wedding anniversary. We decided to celebrate with a little lunch. Uh, no, we absolutely do not ever learn. We're stubborn that way.

The restaurant we decided on is directly across the parking lot from The Restaurant Who Shall Remain Nameless. Booth? Highchair and booster? No problem! We didn't even ask for a booth this time (this restaurant has a good, solid table set-up with nice, wide chairs that will safely accommodate a booster) and we got one anyway.

We didn't even care that our waitress completely screwed up both mine and hubby's order. Somehow, "Three Sauce Fajita Burrito" turned into "three enchiladas". From listening to the conversation at the table next to us, this is a pretty routine thing for this girl. One of them got the wrong entree twice because she couldn't get it right.

I didn't care. Why? Two Margaritas. Yep. At noon. I'm a light weight, so that would be the equivalent of 5 Margaritas for pretty much anyone else.

Then I went chair cover shopping. Yeah, drunken chair cover shopping. Watch out for me!

We went into the first store,a department store, and there was a family walking by us on the way out. They were, what had to be, a Grandma/Mom/Granddaughter combo. Just at the moment we were walking past, Grandma turns to Granddaughter and blurts out, "Stay out of the bras and panties."


Granddaughter was probably around 8 or 9 years old, so we were kind of puzzled why this would be an issue. Then, because we're complete assholes, we couldn't stop making fun. The next store we went into:
"Stay out of the bras and panties."
"Stay out of the condoms."
"Stay out of the anal beads."
"Stay out of the little girls' panties."

I'll own up to being the tool in this one.
Thursday, July 9, 2009

Your Kids Are A Fire Hazard

I had to leave the house today. I was going insane. We decided to push our luck and try a restaurant again for the second time in a week.

We ended up at a restaurant that hates children. I mean, I'm not sure that they do, but I'm feeling melodramatic right now, so for the sake of this blog post: they roast unruly babies in the kitchen and then stuff them with pickled puppies.

Before they seated us we explained to them that we would need 3 things: a booster seat, a high chair and a booth. The hostess said, "Sure, we can do that!" then proceeded to lead us to a table.

"I'm sorry, we said we needed a booth." I thought she maybe didn't hear me the first time. I was wrong. She just ignored me. The actual response we get was: "Oh, I know, but we can't have a high chair at a booth. It's against fire code."

Oh reeeeeeeeeeeally? I know I've gotten a high chair at a booth at that same restaurant. So maybe the fire code has recently changed. I dunno. I also get a high chair at a booth in other restaurants that I go into. Maybe they just have wider aisles in between their tables. Maybe they ignore fire code. I'm a reasonable person and I can understand that that circumstances change from time to time and from place to place.

So what the hell's my problem? I have 3:

  1. She heard us at the entrance, but drew us all the way to the back of the restaurant before explaining to us that we would not be able to have both a high chair and a booth. My little girl was hungry and didn't understand why we had to leave. She cried.
  2. Why didn't we just take the table and put the booster on a chair? I mean, gee, it seems reasonable. Until you see their chairs. They're small and rickety and not as wide as the booster. If we put our kid in a booster on one of those things, I would estimate at least a 78% chance that she would have fallen off or toppled the chair. She's a normal, active 3 year old.
  3. There was an adult sitting in the aisle on the table side. Why is this person not a fire hazard, but my kid in a high chair is? It can't be about the person in the chair, because if a fire breaks out the adult will not courteously tuck the chair in before running for the door in a panic. Hypocrites.

Say goodbye to our business forever R.I.P Thursdays.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Twittering Twats

In my quest to stave off boredom while avoiding everyone on the planet, I decided to check out what sort of vacuous drivel I could find on Twitter. It seemed like a good enough place to find crap to make fun of. The names, of course, will be omitted for their own protection.

What are you doing right now?

  • "My shirt tails are too long." I'll get right on that sir.

  • "While listening to a mix of a song in e minor I accidentally launched a song in iTunes in e flat major. Was very confused for a second." Gah! I hate it when that happens.

  • "Taco Tuesday" Much better than Menudo Monday.

  • "rain rain go away...Drew" This actually reads like a Wheel of Fortune "before and after" category. (Rain, rain, go away/Go away Drew. Po po Drew.)

  • "Omg if one more ask me do I play ball. Imma start tellin people I swam in the olympics with mike phelps." Yeah, but do you play ball? Seriously, you're just some random dude who does in fact play ball. What the hell are you talkin about? Imma boo you when your games come on now.

  • "My ears got boners from this record...." Link omitted - I don't want people getting ear boners from anything they come across here.

  • "Getting a little frustrated. Can never open a pot and get taken off every hand. Not cool. Table is not cooperating with me" OMG! Samesies!!

  • "Wow-just sitting at home and heard a "star tour" bus go by my house and insult me over a loud speaker-think i'll put nails out tomorrow." If you knew who this was, you would understand why I'm cruelly laughing my ass off right now.

  • "So...I have kind of an awesome announcement to make in the very near future. Probably within an hour. I have to stop jumping around, first." Why not now? I mean, you're already online and writing. Stop jumping around and just spit it out TOOL!

  • "Woke up late- missed the memorial coverage- didn't miss the premiere of taylor swift's new video- guess today isn't a complete waste." Says who? Your life is sadder than mine if your big accomplishment of the day is watching some shitty country video. (What's even funnier: this is the same person as "bus tour whiner". Bwahahahahaha!)

  • "Dear underpants elastic: I see what you did there. Message received." I don't even want to know what that means. TMI honey.
Sunday, July 5, 2009


People join them for various reasons. I think that the overall attraction to these internet sites is to connect with a broader range of people who are share your interests. Coming in at a close second is to piss people off for the sake of your own amusement.

I happen to belong to the best forum on the entire WWW, but I'm kind of a newbie in general to the whole concept of talking to strangers online. Some of the rules that are in place for the other forums that I've lurked on make sense. Their purpose is to make sure that none of their members have to be subjected to flaming troll asshattery and that is understandable.

Some rules, however, make me cringe and appreciate my extremely laid back, freedom of expression loving board all that much more. Some of the rules that I've seen on other forums that I am guilty of breaking daily:

  • Before posting, please ask yourself the following question: "Am I making a post which is either funny, informative, or interesting on any level?" (Well, sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.....sheesh!)

  • Keep all images work-safe. (In all fairness, I'm not the worst, but I have posted up some stuff that makes you wish for instant sight sanitizer. Like you'd be happy if J from Men In Black could just flashy-thing the last few seconds away bad.)

  • Catchphrases in general. Just because somebody else wrote something humorous does not necessarily mean if you do the same thing then you will be humorous. (Aw, come on! When did running jokes become a bad thing?)

  • Do not place foul language in thread subjects. (Fuckin' ooops! The "F" word is not my favorite word or anything, but I'm not going to try to pretend that it's not in my vocabulary.)

  • One word posts are most likely to be deleted whenever I see them. (Yikes....sometimes my posts contain no words....)

  • Use descriptive titles when you start a thread. (The last thread I started: "What the hell is going on?" Not real descriptive, but it's about the sudden increase in unexpected deaths of famous people. I was just at a loss for words. Still am. RIP Steve McNair.)

  • You can be silly, but try not to be pointlessly silly, especially by starting pointless threads or by adding one-line comments like "me too!" or "Yeah!". (I would be banned from this forum on day 1. I guess you have to get overly imaginative if you would like to concur with someone. Also with the "starting pointless threads": some of the boards themselves are pointless, so how are you supposed to start a meaningful thread?)

  • Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language, rude comments and innuendo. (It's unfair to lump using crude or sexually explicit language or innuendo with rude comments, threats and personal attacks. The first set has their time and place. The second set has their own time and place: right before a boxing/wrestling match.)

  • ...submit replies that are relevant to the topic of discussion. (Ooooh, yeah, I'm really guilty on this one. Good thing my forum tolerates this. The reason I have a problem with this one, is that it isn't conducive to the natural flow of conversation.)

Overall, I know that there are millions of assholes in the internet sea and that people will start these forums with the reasonable expectation that they would actually have a "normal" conversation regarding their subject of choice. I have suggestions for a few rules that I haven't seen that would make more sense:

  • If your comment must be moderated by Admin, it will be changed to "I like pudding!"

  • If you complain about personal attacks where there clearly aren't any (read: I'm being a whiny attention whore who thinks everything's about me), we will start a thread dedicated to real personal attacks on you.

  • Overuse of anagrams (BRB, LOL, ROFLMAO) will get you sent back to elementary school Billy Madison style. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Occasional use will be tolerated FWIW.

  • Huge blocks of type are hard for the ADHD set to process. Please start a new paragraph every once in a while. Especially if you have 105 lines of type in your message.

  • Beating a dead horse will result in some goons showing up at your doorstep to beat you like a dead horse.