Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Laughing Cow

What in the hell kind of cheese is that little Babybel cheese?! My new diet has me eating 2 of those every 3 or 4 days. I'd like to know what I'm eating.

I looked at your package. It says, "semisoft cheese". I looked at your website. It also says, "semisoft cheese". Is this just called semisoft cheese? No. For once, I looked something up.

Under semisoft cheese (incidentally, I was corrected in my search and asked "Did you mean semi soft cheese?") I found listings for all sorts of cheese. Most of them were not even made with cow milk.

What the fuck am I eating Laughing Cow?! There must be a reason for that name. I think the cow is laughing at me because the cheese I'm eating didn't come from a cow. Probably didn't come from milk either. They probably just packed up some Frumunda Cheese into some wax and banked millions off of it.

Who's the tool here? It's a mystery.
Friday, May 29, 2009

Webinar Drone

Holy moly Robot Lady. Can you possibly be any more boring to listen to? I cannot believe that you offer training for a living. You do know that voices come in a variety of ranges, pitches, tones? These are all things that make your voice colorful, if not exciting. Please instruct the human that made your voice modulation program to fix this right away.

At one point I had to giggle because you opened up the line to questions and, when no one responded, you said, “We have a really quiet bunch today.” No duh, lady. You’ve put us all to sleep.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Middle Man

First off, I will give you credit for actually being of the female persuasion. It’s not my fault the commonly used term describes a male.

You’re handling a matter of great importance on behalf of your manager. This is something that countless thousands of people do on a daily basis. What they don’t do, is call someone who is totally unrelated the situation you’re indirectly resolving and get frustrated with them when they have to ask you eleventy billion questions about what you need. You are essentially doing what is commonly referred to as “starting all over again from scratch” at this point.

A better solution would be to wait just one additional day for the person that was directly handling this to return to the office. I know, I know, the extremely important and totally loyal client will discontinue to do business with you if you don’t get this matter resolved right this second. Even though, by my logic, they can’t be that loyal if some little thing like waiting one additional day for a conversation and a signature is going to send them running for the hills. This is not a matter that will lose them money or cause them to do anything additional that will take up their precious time. It literally effects them not one iota to wait an additional day.

Your freaking out on the phone with me because your boss wanted my boss to sign something last week, but waited until today to mention it, doesn’t help anyone. My manager is not here. Note the sunshiney demeanor. That’s always a dead giveaway. No amount of reasoning with me is going to make her magically appear in the office as if called by a genie. Trust me, if I could make someone appear in front of me via genie, it would not be her.

Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. I’ve been as helpful as I can be, but forging signatures on documents is not something you can sweet talk me into with your whiney guilt trip. I also have a sneaking suspicion that my manager has not agreed to the terms you’re trying to strong-arm me into. We’ll just wait and see.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Haunted House Owners

We've lived in our house for about 5 years. For about 4 1/2 years, the house across the street from us has been abandoned. The story I've heard is that it was purchased by a couple who moved here from another state. About 2 months or so in, the wife didn't like it here and decided to move back. The husband stayed for a little while to try to sell the house, but was unsuccessful, so he just bailed too.

Ever since then, the house has been vacant. Various people come out about once a year or so to ... well I don't really know. I know what they don't do. They don't weed. The front yard of this house looks like a jungle. There is a lush green field of weeds. This is no exaggeration.

Apparently they're hyper-pollenating weeds, too. We have about 25x more weeds than we've ever had since we've moved in here. Really, it makes me want to run over there in the middle of the night and douse their entire yard in gasoline and just burn it all up.

The super crappy part: other neighbors are now giving up on keeping up with their yards. It's a lot of damn work, but geez people, have a little pride in your home. I'm not a plant person, but I feel bad for your ... green, leafy, flowering plant things ... that are suffocating under all the weeds.

I might start a telethon. The proceeds would be split as follows:

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Styrofoam Bananas....really?!

It's been quite a while since I just randomly picked someone out of the news to write about. Apparently, I've been living in CottonCandySunshineLand for a little while. Hmmm. Happens sometimes.

Not in Fond du Lac though. They've got some chump dressed like a chimp stealing Styrofoam bananas from gas stations. If you're going to dress up in a costume and steal something, why not make it worth your while? Why not dress up like Chester Cheetah and steal Cheetos? You can at least eat those.

Oooh, or dress up like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and steal some of those tubes of cookie dough. I would kill for some cookie dough right now. Maybe I'll hunt down my Dough Boy costume.

Or how about...dressing up like a monkey and stealing REAL bananas. Then, while you're making your escape you can toss the peels on the ground behind you, so if anyone's chasing you they'll slip and fall. Just don't stop to laugh at them.

PSA: Don't steal stuff.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Phone Yeller

You left your wallet at my work. I can completely commisserate with you when you explain to me that you spent the better part of your weekend panicking and cancelling all of your credit cards, then trying to replace your driver's license. I've had to do this before, I know it is incredibly frustrating. Had you not been a total dick and SCREAMED IN MY EAR, you would have known that.

I was not there on the date of the forgetting incident. No one called me to ask me what to do. *cough* I'm also not the guy who left his wallet on the counter. *cough* I wholeheartedly agree that someone should have called you. There is no doubt about that and I have covered that with my entire staff. I don't care what time of day they discover a wallet, calling the owner is their #1 priority.

Your screaming at me that someone SHOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE PERSON AND GIVEN YOU A CALL SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT was not necessary to get your point across. I was feeling your pain without it. I asked you politely to stop yelling and warned that I would need to hang up if it continued.

You said, "+^@$%&*(^%##@@*((--@$%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I went, click. I don't joke about that stuff guy.
Sunday, May 17, 2009


Grandma owns this little, yappy 3 lb. Yorkie dog-thing. One of my cats is 4 of these dogs. This little jerko dog is the neediest pain-in-the-ass-piece-of-crap on the planet. Right now it is making odd chuffing sounds at my door. Or it's choking. I don't care. I'm not looking.

This stupid thing has to go out to pee every 30 minutes or so. It's bladder is the same size as a rat's. Because it's a stupid rat-dog-thing.

Only you let it out, and it whines to come back in immediately because there are flies on the porch. This worthless, jackass dog is afraid of flies. Because it's a stupid chicken-rat-dog-thing.

I really wish Grandma would just take this dumbass with her when she leaves, but she's afraid that other, bigger dogs will eat it. Because it's a stupid Scooby Snack-chicken-rat-dog-thing.

I would call it a tool, but it's not even cool enough to be a tool.
Friday, May 15, 2009


Leave my pictures alone you assholes. There's nothing wrong with them. They aren't porn.

That's really all I have to say about that. I'm very tired.

Not so tired that I can't keep an eye on you Photobucket jerks.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Burger King

Your commercials suck. They're just horribly creepy. The dude in the the huge king mask is a scary nightmare creature.

What in the hell were you thinking when you did the square butt commercial? I know that you were trying to go on the whole Spongebob theme, but what kind of dickhead thought this was the way to go?

I'm not a prude. (As a side note, a flash of Nixon just went through my head.) I don't care if chicks wanna go shaking their shit on TV. There's just something very wrong with singing about liking butts while promoting a cartoon character promo for kids meals.

For shame, Sir Mix-A-Lot. For shame.
Monday, May 11, 2009

Mr. Tardy Pants

Wow. Internet Employee/Wisdom Tooth Guy has decided to take on a new persona: Mr. Job's A Hobby. Nice to know that that 25 hour schedule came with a I'll-Work-When-I-Damn-Well-Please clause.

Wow. That's so great that you get to walk in the damn door whenever you feel like it. It must be amazing to have that kind of power. Almost like a superpower. Tardy Tool. I'll make you a cape.

Wow. I'm sure that the tens of thousands of people that lined up for hours the other day just to talk to someone about the possibility of doing your job will be happy to know that you're taking it so seriously.

Wow. I'm really looking forward to Thursday, when I get to sit across from you for the 2nd time in 2 weeks and talk to you about how much your team depends on you being there. On time, tool.
I mean dude.
No, I really mean tool.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Zoo Jerk

There are plenty of exhibits at our local zoo. I'm not really much of an expert on animals, but I really felt that there was a pretty broad assortment. While there we saw: rhinos, giraffes, warthogs, an assortment of monkeys, lions, tigers, flamingos, buzzards, zebras and a bunch of other ones that I can't remember the names of.

Why then did you need to rush down a group of people so you can witness a lady passed out in front of the tortoises? (Oh yeah, there were tortoises too.) Is there not enough excitement in seeing meerkats (Oh yeah, there were also meerkats.) that a lady potentially dying of heat stroke quickly became your must-see exhibit?

Let the lady keep her dignity, you douche.
Friday, May 1, 2009


To my faulty laptop computer: You're a buddy fucker. I've been nothing but nice to you. I take you everywhere I go, I just upgraded your storage, I don't let my kids beat the crap out of you.

Why did you die on me? I had files that still needed back up. I have stuff to get done on the internet that require an internet access device. That was your job.

You were a tool when you worked, but now you're a Tool.

R.I.P., jerk.