Am I Awesome Enough To Pull This Off?

Probably not, but let's give it a shot anyway.  My big 'tool' story from the end of the week is fairly complicated.  It involves a lot of back story and inside-joke explaining.  I thought about not writing about it, but then again, I love a challenge (and I have nothing else to write about).  So, please bear with me.

Meet FussyFranco:

Age: 40ish

Spirit Age: 12

Likes: Playing annoying pranks and bitching

Dislikes: Jokes directed toward him

Origin: Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Quote: This is not something I think  I should see when I go peepee.


'Franco' is our business partner.  He is rarely in the office.  When he is there, he likes to play pranks on us.  Not funny pranks, however, completely retarded ones like: putting lotion in the earpiece of our phones or taking the track ball out of our mouses.  One day, I came back from lunch to find all of my paperclips scattered all over my desk.  I heard a distinct twittering, girlish giggle coming from the back area.  Yeah, that's....hilarious.  Or something.  It took me 1/2 a second to sweep them into a trash can and get on with my day.

'Franco' is originally from Quebec and, while not actually a Frenchman, I often refer to him as 'Frenchie' because he is a prissy, snobby little twerp.  Oh, and because he really hates being called 'Frenchie'.  "Ooops, sorry, I'm just an ignorant American that doesn't understand the difference....(prick)"

Meet CarlosTheComedian:

Age: 19

Spirit Age: 9

Likes: To make people laugh

Dislikes: Stuffy, uptight dickwads 

Origin: ...uh, somewhere in Mexico

Quote: "Hey, Awesomeness, you should totally come to work dressed like a panda bear.  That would be sweet."

'Carlos' is my newest employee.  He's a fun-loving kid.  He is a bit mischievous, but never malicious.  He somehow manages to get his work done in spite of his shenanigans, which is probably his most endearing quality.

Lately, 'Carlos' has been on a health kick.  On a slow Saturday, he drew a picture of himself with, like, a 12 pack of abs and captioned it 'Carlos the beast 2 months from now.' This picture got copied and plastered all over the office.

Two weeks ago, while Carlos was helping at another office, we took down his buff pictures and replaced them with a picture of him looking like Fat Bastard captioned 'Carlos the beast 2 months from now'.  We all had a good laugh over it.  We left the pictures up because they just rule.

Meet EmployeeVonMunchausen:

+

Age: 33

Spirit Age: 96

Likes: Attention

Dislikes: Lack of pity

Origin: Juarez, Mexico

Quote: "My stomach feels like it's on fire and I'm peeing blood, but I think I'll make it."

If Melman and Gloria from Madagascar had a baby, it would be EmployeeVonMunchausen.  She has his personality and her physique.  I would say more, but that's pretty much all there is to her.

So "The Incident":

On Thursday, Franco comes strolling into the office and starts bitching because I didn't notice him for almost 5 minutes.  (I was working, you know, like sometimes people do while they're at work.)  He's yammering on and on about how he's just going to call me next time...(really?) when I notice his appearance. 

Franco is usually dressed in either a primly pressed button-down shirt or an equally wrinkle-free polo and dress slacks.  His hair is normally gelled up  in carefully manicured 'I care about looking like I don't care about my hair' spikes.

On Thursday, Franco was wearing a maroon v-neck sweater, white button down shirt and maroon and gold striped tie.  His hair was completely flat and combed off to one side. 

 

Exactly like this, minus the robe, glasses and wand.

Without thinking, I asked, "What's up with the Harry Potter look?"  He (thankfully and surprisingly) took no offense and complained that everyone's been teasing him about looking like a college kid all day.

When he walked away, Carlos started laughing and asked if I really called him Harry Potter.  He was impressed and I was totally his hero for the next 30 minutes or so. 

About 15 minutes later, I was sitting with a client in our lobby when I hear Franco yell, "That is not appropriate!  I am offended.  Do you really think that's funny?"  What the hell is he getting his panties in a bunch over?

He pulls me aside and proceeds to chew me out for 20 minutes because Carlos called another employee to tell her that I called Franco 'Harry Potter.'  Ugh, seriously?  I was the one who called you names, you douche.  So now I have to sit through, "I can't believe how mean he is.  I am not going to go to HR, because I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but I was very offended.  That was totally uncalled for...."  Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda....

Then, Franco starts bitching about the 'Carlos the beast' pictures.  "I can't believe you would leave those offensive pictures up.  Think of how bad EmployeeVonMunchausen must feel when she has to look at that fat drawing that looks just like her all day..."

And the Toolie Award for Straightest Face After The Stupidest Comment goes to...

Awesomeness

Honestly, no one -- not even her -- had thought about that.  The pictures are clearly labelled 'Carlos', which takes all the guesswork out of who we're poking fun at.  If anyone who normally works at the office would have been offended, it would have been EVM and she would have complained to HR by now.

And the Toolie Award for Biggest Spazzy Crybaby goes to...

Franco

The Toolie Award for The Most Ironically Offensive Complaint goes to...

Franco

Wow, dude, I think you're going to sweep all your categories!

Now, the final award is the Annual 'Swish And Flick: Harry Potter Look-Alike' Award and it goes to...

Franco

Don't forget to thank me in your speech, dick.

Pencil Me In

Okay, MisManager.  I'm going to explain something that's not a secret about me.  I am one of those anal-retentive types.  This is particularly why I manage your operations and I do it very effectively.  Sweating the small stuff is absolutely why I get out of bed in the morning.

It's not logical to me that people would not just show up to work on time/not work while they're on the clock/make very obvious rookie mistakes when they're 3 years out of new-hire training/commit to doing something and then totally blow it off... just like you.  I expect better from my staff, but when you breeze through the office long enough to show them how little you give a care about these standards, it renders all of my expectations ineffective.

The one in particular that you're on my gallows today for: committing to something and then totally blowing it off.  We've been talking performance reviews for weeks now.  You know I like to get them done and out of the way as soon as possible so they aren't hanging over our heads for months.  I do it while information from the last year is fresh in mind and so me and my staff can put the past year behind us and work on setting goals for the coming year.

TWO WEEK AGO:  We look at your calendar to select appropriate dates and times for the review.  We were both looking at the same thing.  You had the morning of the 1st and the 2nd completely free.  You said, "Send me an invite, so I can get that time booked."  Uh huh.  I've fallen for that before.  So what I did was send you an invite, write it in the schedule, invite the employees effected by the reviews and then talk to you every couple of days about it.  I know it might have been a little over-the-top, but you have a strange propensity toward finding anything else to do but pay attention to your responsibilities toward the office.

ONE WEEK AGO: I hand you the schedule.  Give you my bi-weekly lecture on how important it is to keep that time blocked and to just get these discussions over with.  You said, "Look!  My calendar is still free for those mornings...well, now I have to conduct a meeting on the morning of the 2nd, but I'll be here by 9:00."  Argh!  I knew it!  I explain one last time why it's so important that we keep this commitment.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1st:  8:30...no MisManager.  9:00...no MisManager.  9:30, 10:00...no MisManager.  10:30 you come strolling in the door.  Your morning: you had a morning meeting with the maintenance guy at the facility down the road.  No, bitch!  You had a morning meeting with me and my staff.  You wanted to get started, because clearly your Cup O' Stupid you had on the way in was kicking in.  Lunches start at 11:00.  Half an hour is not enough time to get even one, muchless, three performance reviews done.  Okay, well we only have one tomorrow, so I'll remind you of it one last time.  Your response: "I have that meeting in the morning, but I should be back by 9:00...then I scheduled a meeting with 2 other managers."  NO, BITCH!  You scheduled a meeting with me and the employee.  Two weeks ago.

Well thanks to my bitching up a Katrina-style storm gentle and tactful persuasion, I found some holes in your schedule those days and exploited the hell out of them to get these reviews done.  Then, the final kick to the head: you complained that you didn't have the copies of the reviews already on your desk.  You've scheduled a meeting with your manager and she's going to want to see them.  Oh I'll give you the copies all right, but I think you should stick them somewhere other than your desk.

Holy Crap, I'm A Girl!

I don't have anything immature and angry to say about anyone during my day.  I was mentally composing a hate-filled diatribe about EmployeeVonMunchausen, but then I had my hair appointment and I just wasn't feeling it anymore.

I usually get my hair cut at whatever major chain of $10-Hack-Jobs-R-Us is most convenient at the time I work up the nerve to do it.  Recently, though, I remembered when I used to actually go to a person and not a shop to get my hair cut.  I missed those days. 

Especially when you consider the negative experiences I've had at these shops.  Pretty much everyone has to comment in a complaining manner about all the hair I have.  Yep, it's a lot.  It sure would be nice if someone who's job it is to cut hair were here.....idiot.

I've been outright told that my hair "was going to be a nightmare".  This is the same chick that told me that I have creepy zombie eyes and that she would be afraid to meet up with me in a dark alley.  Hmmm....you should be, but not because my eyes will shoot zombie lasers at you.

So I've been bugging every girl I know (who has good hair) for a recommendation.  The places these girls were going to were out of the way, or they were booked for months, or their recommendations weren't all that convincing.  I was getting frustrated.

Then Mr. A had a hair appointment with the wife of a coworker a few weeks ago.  I took him to the appointment and I liked her little shop, so we set up an appointment to do my hair.

My hair...is a fucking tool.  Okay, I will bitch a little.  Zombie lady was totally right.  It's completely ridiculous and a nightmare.  It's really straight and nice in the front, then all curly/wavy/birdnesty/ratty/clowny in the back.  It's really hard for me to do anything with, as you can imagine, so I just stopped caring about it. 

I had been curious about getting my hair straightened chemically for a while, but was always too chicken to do it.  Well, and I didn't have a hair lady before, so it was out of the question anyway, because you don't let just anyone do that to your head.  Especially when they're afraid of your creepy zombiness.

So, I would do a before/after, but I don't really have a 'before' that shows how nasty the back of my head was.  So here's a bunch of 'after'.

 

And then my girl hears the webcam and wants to get in on the action:

 

And then she proceeds to ham it up:

  

 

  

 

Someone is a total camera hog.

Whatcha Doin'?

I'm a crab.  I mean, worse than usual.  I'm developing a cold, which I think is worse than having a cold.  Being almost sick, you know the worst is yet to come.  There's really not much you can do about it, but try to head it off with sleep and pills.

This stupid thing is taking its sweet time too.  An almost cough one day, an almost sore throat the next, a semi-stuffy nose in the meantime.  So, right now, tuning it all out is much more preferable than focusing on it and wallowing in my misery.

I think I'll listen to music:

Mr. A: You're just wearing your headphones so you don't have to talk to me.
Me: Yup, pretty much...
Mr. A: What are you listening to?
Me: Whatever I want.  It's a 60G iPod.  I have a lot of shit on here.  Right now it's Disturbed, but I think I'm really in a Sarah McLachlan mood.
Mr. A: How can you listen to Disturbed and then Sarah McLachlan?
Me: Fucking talent?
Mr. A: That's why you don't control the radio.
Me: Can I put my headphones back on now?

So, maybe I'll read:

Mr. A: What are you reading now?
Me: A book. Shhhhhh.
*5 minutes later*
Mr. A: Are you still reading the same book?
Me: Yes.  Surprisingly, I'm not getting very far.
Mr. A: What part are you on?
Me: The part where I slam your head in my book.

Or, perhaps I'll blog:

Mr. A: Who are you chatting with now?
Me: No one.  I'm trying to update my blogs for once.
Mr. A: Oh.  What are you writing about?
Me: I'm writing about what an annoying ass you are.
Mr. A: Ha ha!  You're a funny guy.

Choke On Your Sugar Coating

MisManager.  You've kept yourself out of my line of fire for over a month now.  That's got to be some kind of record.  Especially considering the fact that you've only been in the office for about an hour the whole time.  So, really, you've made it a whole hour without being blogworthy.  I think that's still a record.

It's performance review time.  Time for all my little work girls and boys to find out if they've been naughty or nice this year.  It's a fairly easy process, since we meet weekly anyway to discuss their performance.  There's only one snag: EmployeeVonMunchausen.

She's been a shitty mess the whole year.  When she does show up to work, she's a whiny, mopey, backstabby migraine-waiting-to-happen.  She's driving me to drink.

(Ooooh.  Fair warning:  I really, really mean that.  I'm sorta half gone already and I plan to kill more brain cells.  Like, the ones that are in charge of storing memories of her.  They need to die.  Violently.)

So, all the warnings, write-ups, calls to H.R. and the frustrated meetings where we mutually stop each other from choking every ounce of life from her body means exactly nothing when it comes to an actual formal review?  Isn't this supposed to represent her overall performance for the year?  So why are you telling me to improve her ratings in areas that she is a cunthair away from being fired over?

(Firefox is telling me that cunthair is inappropriate.  I apologize.)

Attendance:  she is on a final written warning.  Final, to me, says "Fuck up one more time and I'm going to shitcan your worthless ass."  Final, to you, apparently says, "You only need some improvement and we're very disappointed, but we're behind you 100% sweetie!"  I'm not changing her Unsatisfactory rating.  I'm not going to postpone the process for another week so we can consult H.R. after I've already spoken to no less than 2 H.R. reps, one of which was the head of H.R. herself.  You're not winning this one.  Get the fuck over it.

"B-b-b-b-but, it's like we're punishing her twice for something she's done."  Hmmm.  Except that a performance review is only a discussion tool.  It's not like court where you have to worry about double jeopardy.  We can totally talk about a horrible performance more than once, cross my heart and shit.

Time Management: she's the laziest piece of crap I've ever had work on my staff.  She also likes to throw everyone else on the staff under the bus because she can't get shit done.  It's evidently everybody else's responsibility to make sure that her work is completed in a timely manner.  Her biggest problem is that she volunteers to do every little shit project under the sun -- so long as she can avoid her assigned duties.  You say that this Meets Expectations.  On what planet?  We've had to strip her of all responsibilities with the exception of one report every Monday and 2 reports on the 16th of every month.  Last time I bitched to you about her, what was it in regard to?  Oh yeah!  The fact that she still whines about not being able to get that done.  Unsatisfactory.  I had to remind you that she just pulled that blame-shifting bullshit on you this morning before you left the rating alone.  You really do have the memory of a gnat, don't you?

Communication:  She won't talk to me unless it's a complaint about you.  She won't talk to you unless it's a complaint about me.  She tries to assign me her work.  She sends 'all employee' instructions to the staff.  Unsatisfactory.  After pulling out copies of all the memos and other documentation of every instance of this over the last year, you stop fighting me on the rating.  Good girl.

Self Development:  Again, we've had to strip her of almost all responsibility.  She's sort of anti-learning right now.  Unlearning.  Whatever.  This would be the opposite of where we should hope the staff will go. Unsatisfactory.  I felt bad for you at this point.  I mean, I was seriously kicking your ass all over the place on the rest of the ratings, so I let you have this one Needs Improvement.  I'm such an awesome person. 

(I don't even remember where this is all going.  Vodka, you've done your job.  You get an overall rating of Outstanding.)