Don't Be A Complete Tool

This year has brought so many changes for me in my professional life.  I'm now working for a new company (same office, different company), under a different set of standards and the rules seem to change daily.  It's been stressful in a way that I never expected.

One change that I will not be whining about:


She's leaving!  She's leaving!  She's leaving, leaving, leaving!!

I have suffered this woman's insanity for 5 years now and, while I will miss her ability to...

...um...

...be absent from the office most of the time, I will not miss:

• Sudden outbursts of paranoia.  Like chalking up being the last person in the office to know about something to the fact that "everyone is intentionally excluding you" and "everyone's afraid to talk to you" and not to the fact that "you are always fucking gone."  Good call.
  
• Getting in trouble for the stupidest shit ever. Even though I now have bragging rights as the only person on the planet who's been in trouble for calling a maintenance guy to ask him when he's going to install our office equipment.  (Completely overlooking the fact that managing the operation of the office is exclusively my job.) There's always that.
  
• Being asked to document conversations that I was not a party to.  I don't.  Then I get in trouble for not providing the necessary documentation when the time comes.  I'd rather get in trouble for that than  phonying up documentation.
  
• Having work delegated to me so that I can delegate it to my people.  Without any instruction whatsoever.  Or deadlines.  Then, as you probably guessed, I get in trouble for not making sure my employee had it done on time or correctly.  But, you're right, I should know to ask 40,000 questions. I'm that eager to take on her shit work.
  
• Having important joint meetings bumped for, seriously, anything else she decides to do.  Our annual performance reviews, for instance, were 2 months overdue this year.  One of the things they were getting bumped for involved her 17-year old daughter's school schedule.  As in, MisManager had to go meet with the counselors to decide what classes her daughter needed to attend.  Let her be a grown up and figure that shit out on her own lady.
  
• Having important joint meetings interrupted by personal phone calls.  Your college-aged son doesn't really need to check in with Mommy every day does he?   Oh yes, he does.  My bad.
  
• Having important joint meetings interrupted by complete strangers.  No, she was really one of those assholes who can neither find their "Do Not Disturb" button nor ignore a ringing telephone.  One phrase that will haunt me to my grave, "I don't know who this is.  I'd better pick up."  Seriously?  It could be a wrong number for all you know.
  
• Having my staff interrogated like accomplices to murder whenever I'm out of the office for the day.  I come back to half the staff talking like they did their best not to give away the secret location to my cubbyhole full of dead baby hearts.  I've never met a human being more afraid to just ask their own employee to explain the work they do.  She (in all seriousness and less gruesomeness) makes my employees feel like I've done something wrong and they've ignorantly helped me do it.  I have to work very hard to keep assuring them that I'm someone that they can trust.
  
• "Irregardless."  The word is regardless.  Irregardless is, if you're counting it as a word even, a double negative.  You're actually negating what you say when you use your pet colloquialism.  For the love of God, please stop.
  
• Having to find a way to make sure that everyone gets included in everything no matter how impossible that task actually is.  Sometimes, someone needs to stay behind or get left out.  Or they just don't give 2 shits about participating.

It's not to say that the new manager won't have their own set of infuriating quirks that I'll have to learn to live with.  I'm not that naive.  I'm just so glad that this is finally over.

Now if I can get lucky enough to be rid of my other problem...

This banner has been posted up on a local furniture store for the last 3 months.  I am now convinced that there is something I'm missing.  If anyone can explain this to me, I would be super appreciative:



Seriously?  Anyone have a clue?

Yesterday, I introduced you all to the newest member of my team.  This guy:


If ever there was a person who belonged on display in this blog, it's him.

We don't demand much from our security personnel.  Hang out and wait for shit to happen, really.  It's a pretty sweet gig.  Walk around the building a bit.  Chase away panhandlers.  It's a breeze.

Even if they don't do any of that, our absolute core expectation: keep unauthorized persons from entering our secured area.  As basic as that might seem, and as hard as it is to believe, this was the source of today's confusion.

Before coming to work for us, Dory (I have settled on this....it was the most demeaning, so naturally, the winner) used to work for a hospital.  I find it hard to believe that someone would have to tell him not to let junkies into the pharmacy.

Scratch that, I would have found it hard to believe before today.

We have one secured area.  90% of our clients never need to go in there.  When they do, we need to make sure that we've properly cleared a business purpose for their access and an employee needs to account for them the whole time they're in there.

Except today.  When 90% of our clients got into that area by simply pointing toward it and saying, "I need to go in there."  Literally verbatim.

Psssst! Dory....

There's a lock on that door for a reason, asshead!


If we wanted the entire city of Phoenix traipsing through this area, we would just prop the door open and put out a Welcome mat.  You are doing the exact opposite of what any person with an I.Q. above 'drooling and diaper change' level would assume.  In fact, if you were missing one more brain cell, you would be a Hilton sister.

Ahhhhh.....

Yes.

I missed this.

I have been checked out for too long.  I got tired of writing in circles about the frustrating times at work.  I thought that, if I stopped giving myself a passive outlet for diffusing the majority of my anger, that I would learn how to focus it fully on what really matters: setting things right around the office.

Not so much.

What's that old maxim?  You can lead a horse's ass to water....or something.  For all my trouble, I am now an expert with reasoning with brick walls.

For best results, create your own audience of Papaya Guys.

So, I'm back with some of your old favorite characters: MisManager, EmployeeVonMunchausen and Jailbait.  Over the last few months, there have been some new additions to the happy family.  Meet:

SchoolGirl
I seriously love this girl to death.  MisManager is hellbent on hating her to death.  She goes to school on days and during times when MisManager wants her there the most -- no matter when her classes are.

CoffeeBitch
He's a good dude.  He probably deserves a better nickname, but I dubbed him this in his first post appearance.  He's studying to be a doctor right now.  Even after he gets his M.D., though, he will be Dr. CoffeeBitch.  That's how this works.

TruckStop
An unpolished girl with a heart of gold.  10k gold.  I think I like her best, because she's the only person I've ever met that can out-awkward me in a conversation.  That is extremely hard to do.

Goldfish (or 50-First-Days ... I haven't decided yet)
Our new security guy.  He has been on the job for over a week now.  I have explained his job to him every single day.  At least twice.  He still doesn't get it.  I wonder if he just likes the attention or if he's related to Dory.

Maybe his new nickname will just be Dory.  I'll choose by the next time I have to write about him.

Which should be tomorrow.

When a Cracked writer issues this warning...

Warning: Don't watch this video. Just fucking don't.

Read more: 6 Progressive Parenting Fads You Won't Believe Are Legal | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19344_6-progressive-parenting-fads-you-wont-believe-are-legal.html#ixzz1Tphf23bD

...pay attention.

I made it through 1:11 of this video before I couldn't look anymore.

Oh, and I highly recommend you don't watch this...unless you're a boxer and you need to psych yourself out to pound the shit out of someone.  Then it's okay.