Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Business Partner





Flitting in and out all day, and leaving us with no general sense of direction, is not going to help you achieve desired results. You were asked to help us coordinate a call effort to get some business in your door. Let's actually work on that, eh?


We've provided a list of our clients that would benefit from your services. We're willing to call them on your behalf to set up the appointments. We've been planning these calls all day. All day that you've been somewhere else.


What happened to this whole "we need to work together as a team" speech? It was very inspiring until we learned 5 minutes after we opened our doors that we weren't going to see you until close to 2 in the afternoon. That's close to quitting time.


We could have started this throughout the day, but you insisted that you wanted to be there to give direction. That was a wonderful plan. We were waiting for this awesome display of inspiration. We're still waiting for it.


So we still got some committments, but that was because my team is the A Team. A for Awesome. Make sure you don't mess this up by not showing up for your appointments. You freaking tool.

I Suck

So, it's not that someone hasn't been a jerk for a whole week. I've just had so much going on that I've had to, very maturely, push them out of my mind so I could carry on.

I guess this makes me a Complete Tool. Not that anyone's following right now anyway, but someday...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Micro Manager


You made my list today Manager Lady. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and you poked the angry bear. So it's your turn.


I understand that delegation is a key ingredient to effective leadership, but the things you delegate are ridiculous. If you want to join an extracurricular company program, please submit your own information. If you are spearheading the office effort in the community, then please do not tell me -- on my lunch -- that the 2 employees that you still have not collected information from need to submit. They're about 100 yards away from where we're sitting. Please go inform them yourself. I got things to do.


Also, I don't really think that barging in on situations you don't understand and yelling at everyone for things they aren't doing / have no control over will gain you any respect. I'm so used to you doing this that I completely blow you off, but my staff is not me. They don't understand what you're talking about. It makes you look completely foolish. If that's the look you wanna wear, that's all you.


I don't care that the client you're sitting with is a crazy moron. Guess who I have to deal with all day. Crazy morons. Your whole one nuthouse escapee does not impress me in the slightest. She showed you her toes. Big deal. Just wait until one of them propositions you to run away with them to a foreign country while your husband is standing right behind you. That's a great time. Wait until you get a schizophrenic who's obsessed with one of the state's senators and starts to sing lullabies to you. I'll go look at your lady's toes. Thanks a bunch.


You're never in the office. Office protocol is specifically my job. What makes you think it's a wise move to start changing procedure on the days I'm not there? I've been doing my job for about 1/3 of my life. I know that it's approximately 1/2 the time that you've been in the business, but it's still a very significant length of time for me. I understand that I make your job easy, but that's a good thing. Instead of trying to fit your square peg into my system's round hole, just find out what is actually needed from you and focus on that.


Do you remember seeing the awards on the wall for outstanding performance? Do you recall at all getting to bask in the warm glow of all the praise you get because my staff out performs their goals by as much as 400%? I don't even care that you get all the kudos for it, just kick word of it downhill every now and again and we're all right. These achievements are an indication that we know what we're doing. We do not need you second-guessing --to death -- our every move.


Yeah, I'm putting you in your place. You just seem too cozy in mine. Back off.
Sunday, March 15, 2009

Yelly Screamerson




I can't use your real name because you're a customer, but you're not a good one. I understand that you're not that happy with the service provided. You've mismanaged your life and somehow that ends up being my company's fault.


We've refused to provide certain services to you that you feel you're entitled to just because the customer is always right. Right? Actually, you flat-out do not meet the requirements necessary. Yelling and screaming at me will not change that. Making exceptions for people who don't even almost meet the standard isn't an option. Discrimination lawsuits are no fun and we avoid them like the plague.


You threaten to take your business elsewhere. Is this supposed to make me sad? I'm also interested to know why you feel that the best way to win me over and get me to see your point-of-view is to verbally deride me and my staff personally. How does that saying go? You catch more flies with vile contempt and outright hatred? That just doesn't sound right, does it?


So take your business down the road, where you will be treated exactly the same way. You are a complete tool and our competitor will figure that out in no time flat.
Thursday, March 12, 2009

Nerf Dart Target




Since you're a minor, the local South Carolina newspaper can't publish your personal information. You know who you are. You also know you're an asshole.


It was a Nerf dart. You got hit with a piece of foam. Fuckin' waaaaaah, dude. Yeah, the person that hit you was your teacher. That was probably not the wisest thing to do. Blurring the lines between teachers and students is an all too common, but totally inappropriate manuever. One that cost him his job.


Teaching kids respect begins at home. Since your parents think it's appropriate to pursue assault charges against your Nerf-chucking, bully teacher, but not punish you in any way for backhanding him after the "attack", I would have to assume that this lesson was forgotten in your house.


My kids, if you're reading this, my response if this happens to you is: good, Nerf 'em again.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Gary Jones





Of Gettysburg, PA. Come on down, dude. What did you do for the honor of being showcased here? You decided to strip down naked and threaten to use karate on your neighbor. In front of his 3 children.


Why didn't you just piss on their heads? You could've also shit into your hand, rubbed it on your chest, then howled at the moon. Karate's something you've got to back up with actual skills m'man. You claim to have the skills, but in my estimation, people who have the ability to whack the crap out of someone do it. People who are chicken-shit weenies threaten to beat people up. In front of their kids.

Karate. Oh, man you suck.
Saturday, March 7, 2009

Uh, Pssssttt....Dude!





Harry Jackson from Georgia. If you're out there buddy, you were out! The article doesn't say why you were busted in the first place, but I'm guessing it's not because you were the evil genius behind...pretty much anything.


You bust out of jail for cigarettes and you know you can just keep on running right? You didn't have to sneak back into jail. See that's where your plan was a total fail. Total Tool.

The Employee




You're 18 years old and fresh out of high school. This is your first job ever that wasn't headed up by a family member or a friend of your family. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.


How many times do I have to tell you that the internet is not to be used for personal reasons during the work day? We have TONS of work that we have to leave behind. Actually, another of your coworkers had to take some work off your hands today so it could be completed before the end of the day. Why is that? What were you looking up that was so important that we had to cover your ass?


The song lyrics to the "Boats and Hoes" song on the Step Brothers movie. Well now the world is a much better place. This will definitely help you relate to our clients and meet your goals. Our clientele is often impressed by how well you know current pop culture. Your coworkers would be a lot more relaxed if they didn't have to cover for you. No more, you tool. Your performance review is next week. The gloves are off.
Friday, March 6, 2009

Meter Reader












Hey! I understand that you've got a job to do and you can't wait all day. When you come to my place of business and bark an order at my employee to have someone open the door for you, you need to make sure you stick around.

When I went out to let you in, I did not see you or your truck. I thought you took off. That's what happens. I took a customer. Too bad for you! You should have made sure you were available.

So you came back into the office and huffed and puffed around in the lobby like pissy little brat. You're not my priority. You're just some tool with a clipboard. You can come back later, dude. Your office is literally 1/2 a block behind ours. Don't blow this out of proportion.
Monday, March 2, 2009

McKay Hatch




No Cuss Gus. I get it, there are other ways to express yourself. I don't think you're old enough to really understand why people cuss. Grow a few more pubes and get your heart broken a couple of times kiddo. It'll help loosen things up so you can pull that stick out of your...tooshie.
That's all I got. It's hard to bag on a kid that just wants to improve the quality of language. Good luck with that!
Sunday, March 1, 2009

Richard Batista


I know this story is old news, but recently the judge in the case has ruled that Mr. Batista cannot have his kidney back. No, really? You mean you can heartlessly rip a kidney out of another human's body just because you're not getting your way? Aw, what a bummer.


His motivation for doing this was to try to force his wife to let him see their kids. I'm not sure how much they'll want to see him when he kills Mommy by taking back his kidney. If I were her lawyer, I'd try to figure out a way to charge him with attempted murder. Nice try Richard, you tool. You're going to have to let nature take its course on this one. Which, from the reports I read, shouldn't take too long anyway so I'm not sure what all the fuss is about.