Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Saturday, April 17, 2010


The week before last I didn't post because it was a fun week.  I actually enjoyed work.  It started out with EVM showing up late on Monday (in spite of her "miracle cure" shot), but then it just got better from there.  (Namely when she took off on vacation so I didn't have to listen to her bore our clients with the repetitive "I feel okay now...I'm just taking this one day at a time."  This isn't fucking A.A., you dumb attention whore.)

So what's my excuse this week?  I visited The United States of Zombieland.  Tuesday afternoon I was very suddenly overwhelmed by sinus pain and pressure (I'm not trying out for a Benedryl commercial, but I did put an employee of the company's kids through college this week.  You're welcome.) and by the end of the day, my eyes were swollen and my throat was closing.

I went home and immediately took 2 Benedryl.  Normally, I'm not one to take 1 of anything muchless 2, so I was basically in a coma within the hour.  The next morning I woke up and looked like this:

I knew it was going to be a horrible day when I went to make coffee and started pouring the coffee grounds into one of my son's bottles.  I also should have taken the hint when I: couldn't remember for a while how to turn the TV on, fell down the stairs, almost left the house with no shoes and locked my son in my room.

All of this screams: "CALL IN SICK, YOU IDIOT!!"  However, I have the opposite problem as EVM; I refuse to admit to being sick, or I'll admit it and severely downplay my symptoms.

I went to work for 6 hours before everyone told me to go home.  I've been feeling better since then, but I still don't have a voice.

So what do I do on my first of 2 days off?  I rested...

Fooled you!  I got up at 4:00 this morning and painted a fucking house.  Not just me, other people from my company, but what the hell was I thinking?  Around 10:00 my right ear stopped working.  I thought, "Huh, that's peculiar... I'm going to see if they have any good deals at Kohl's!!"  I think I have a mental disability.  Seriously.

By the time I was in the checkout line paying for about 25 items that I had to have (but couldn't describe to you now to save my life) my ear felt like it was about to rupture.  Seriously, I thought I was just going to hear a huge *POP* and my brains were going to splatter all over the bitchy lady in front of me. (I was aiming at her as best I could.)

This is one of the necklaces I bought.  I love it!!  
I also learned how dirty my dresser is today...

I made it out of there alive (I should probably type it as "alive") and raced home, my ear brutally murdering the rest of my head the whole time.

Oh wait.  I didn't.

I volunteered to pick up lunch for everyone first.

Somebody help me.  I am a complete tool.

I almost forgot to say that I don't get paid to advertise for anyone.  As a matter of fact, I shelled out huge wads of cash to both companies mentioned in today's post.  It's kind of ass backward, but whatever.


Michelle H. said...

Wow! No way I would even try half the stuff you did with such symptoms. REST!

Awesomeness said...

I'm resting up today. I got up this morning and my ear was no longer hurting, but I can't stop coughing and now I think I broke my throat.

There's also something wrong with my right eye. It's like the germs that were attacking my ear migrated north. My current theory is that I can create a blowhole in the top of my head and be rid of this thing when it migrates upward again tomorrow.

Genius. Puuuuure genius.

Candice said...

I feel your pain. I've been sick with that shit for a past 6 days. I'm going to get a bed sore from lying on my ass in one position and never moving.

I've gone through 5 boxes of kleenex, and I'm pretty sure I haven't taken a shower in 4 days. Seriously, I'm just a hot fucking mess.

I want a pretty necklace to make me feel better.

Awesomeness said...

Aw Candice! I hope you feel better.

I was telling Mr. A today that I think I'm cursed. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't open my right eye because it was all swollen and gummed over. (Mr. A says it's "shopper eye" and that I shouldn't have stopped at Kohl's.)

Then during lunch today (because my stupid ass went to work -- which I may or may not be able to write about today) I blew my nose and it just dripped -- like a leaky faucet -- for the next 20 minutes.

I know, ew.

*mary* said...

Wow! I hope you feel better now.

Awesomeness said...

Thanks Mary! And nope. I still feel horrible. My symptoms are congestion with a sore throat and constant multiple face and head stabbings.

Now the kids have whatever-it-is. We're taking them in to get some medicine though.

I have a feeling Mr. A is going to trick my ass into doing the same. At this point, I think head amputation is in order.