Don't Be A Complete Tool

EmployeeVonMunchausen:

I'm done with you.  If it were up to me, I would tell you to just stay the hell home.  You called in again yesterday.  This is now the 7th Monday that you've called in this year.  The other days: a Tuesday after a holiday, a Friday (you also called in the following Monday) and the day after you were scheduled for a day off.

To say that I see an unhealthy pattern is like saying I see the sky is blue.  I like 3-day weekends as much as the next girl, but you're going to need to bite the bullet and get your ass into work on Mondays going forward.

Oh, and also, I don't know who the hell you worked for before me, but please kindly get out of this mindset that you don't need to give me any information about why you're not making it into work.

Your actual conversation with me:

I won't be able to make it in today.  I pulled the daily reports when I was in on Saturday, they're in the green filing cabinet in the middle part under (something unintelligible).

This is really all you have to say to me?  (F.Y.I.: we don't even have a green filing cabinet...)  I had to dig to find out that you were calling out sick for your ailment-of-the-week: The Blood Pressure.

Lady, if your blood pressure is truly so out of control that you can't stand up, as you claim, I'm sure your tests would not have "come back inconclusive" and your doctor would have put you on some medication.  Please come up with a better excuse.

MisManager:

You used to work in Human Resources.  Your husband does work in Human Resources.  Maybe you should either remember your training or ask his advice before proceeding the next time you lose your shit when an employee calls in.

What did you do?  You called EVM and demanded that she come in.  Really?  I'm just as frustrated as you that she's calling in -- again.  Actually, I'm more frustrated than you because I have to do her job when she's not there.  Somehow I'm also supposed to write up her documentation and a formal warning while doing her job and my job while she's gone too.  Yeah, I'm not her biggest fan right now.

But to call someone who's claiming to have serious health issues and demand she come in?  Please.  That's a rookie mistake.  Especially someone who is as potentially litigious as EVM.  Remember that?  The whole reason we call H.R. every time she's absent?  We've finally got enough background on her to start the disciplinary process, but now she's got a good reason to complain about us too.  Thanks for handing that to her.

Oh, and also...

Why are you fighting so hard to make her Employee Of The Month for last month?  (Oh no, no one is misreading that.)

She is so unreliable it is beyond believable.  She performed so poorly during my vacation, in fact, that I'm afraid to leave her alone with my staff in the office again.  I've begun a very serious program of leadership skill training with her because I really need to impress on her that she is far from where she needs to be to lead my staff in my absence.  She's either going to take to that or she's going get told that she had better keep to her regularly scheduled job duties.

I don't care that one of the other employees nominated her.  She was nominated by one of your sales staff that she helped with one problem while I was gone.  An employee who did not incur her wrath at all while I was gone, unlike the rest of my staff.  I finally got done unraveling all of that bullshit and I sure as hell am not rewarding her for being an asshole just because she straightened something out while I was gone.