Don't Be A Complete Tool

This has nothing to do with the post.  I just needed a laugh right after I wrote it.

Today was my first day back at work after a whole week of laying around in my pajamas not being pissed off by spastic assholes.  It's a good thing I came back in a good mood, because EmployeeVonMunchausen cranked the dial up to 11 today.

I knew she was going to call in.  She's so predictable.  It's Monday, her favorite day to call in.  She did surprise us though by only calling in late.  Apparently, since our last discussion when I mentioned that she almost exclusively calls in on Mondays, she has been trying extra hard to show that she's a buddy fucker every day of the week.  Now she won't call all the way in on Mondays anymore.

< sarcasm >Well, that's a relief!< /sarcasm >

At first, she called and said that she'd be an hour late -- which meant that she would leisurely languish around her house in her bunny slippers until 9:15.  She calls again and said "Nah, I think I'll come in at 9:30 instead."  This time though, she doesn't even bother to talk to either me or MisManager.  She leaves the message with one of her coworkers.

I understand, EVM, that the law provides you some protection because of your "condition" (whatever it is this week), but you can still get shit-canned for not following procedure.  You will find out tomorrow how much your spiteful little stunt will put your job in jeopardy.

I would have preferred to talk to her today, but today was filled with other EVM goodness.  She casually announced to us -- within earshot of her coworkers -- that she was applying for a transfer to one of our other offices.  She said it was because she was unhappy...

Guess what, asshole.  Me too.  I would love to transfer your undependable, whiny, mopey ass to someone else and just be rid of you, but there isn't anyone I would do that to.  Besides, we have you on a corrective action, which means you don't even get the privilege of interviewing.

This was the big mystery.  Why was H.R. calling you to schedule an interview?  I know that there are 2 questions that you have to answer in order to post for a transfer: "Does your current manager know that you wish to transfer?" (Followed by: "If no, then why not?") and "Are you currently on a corrective action or Performance Improvement Plan?"

We spent all day finding out why.  After numerous calls to the recruiter, it turns out that you circumvented answering those crucial questions by posting for the position as an external candidate.

This is it.  Tomorrow when we talk, this is all coming out.  You're "unhappy" because you're being accountable to do a job that you've admitted that you're no longer interested in doing.  Tough shit, cookie.  You have altogether told me that you expect to not have to do any work outside of your basic responsibilities.  Tough shit, cookie.  You don't like the way this is going?  Tough shit, cookie.  You will be asked tomorrow to get with the program or tender your resignation.  I usually dread these kinds of talks, but I'm looking forward to this one.  Big time.