Don't Be A Complete Tool

On Thursday, I was about 2 minutes away from ending my lunch when the yelling started.  I had no idea what was happening, but I have one of those weird instincts that directs me toward potential danger.  Much like the dumb people in horror movies.  If I were watching myself, I'd yell, "No, Awesomeness!  Stop!!  The killer is out there!" Then I'd watch myself get harpooned and flung off of a balcony.

As an establishment that deals in finances, validating a person's signature is something we do from open to close and in a multitude of ways.  From merely checking an I.D. to providing a Signature Guarantee or affixing a Medallion Stamp, if you've got a signature, we can make it official.  One of our most popular demands is for the service of a Notary Public.

Nowadays, everything needs to be notarized.  I notarize field trip forms for parents (sorry, kids of today, no one trusts you anymore), I notarize vehicle titles, adoption papers, affidavits, wills and trust papers.  One time I was asked to notarize a ... we'll just call it a contract for physical favors.  As a professional, I declined.  As an unprofessional, I thought it was the funniest thing ever and so wanted to do it.

There are a couple of different ways you can notarize a signature.  The first way is by acknowledgement.  This means that you are merely acknowledging that the person who appeared before you is the person who was entitled to sign the document and that you verified their signature.  It's the most common notarization.  The other way to notarize is by jurat.  For a jurat, the document you're notarizing must be completed in its entirety and the signer must swear that the contents are true and correct.  This type of notarization is used for documents where the integrity of the information is paramount.  This would be used for affidavits and such.

On Wednesday, we watched a car pull in.  Out of this car comes 3 ladies, all looking a little rough.  Like they've, um, been around the block a few times.  *wink, wink*  At this point, we couldn't see the driver of the vehicle because of glare, but we had enough entertainment just watching the Ladies climb out of the car and hold a mini-conference before coming into the office.

Lady #1 approached my Lead employee and asked to get a notarization on a form she presented.  It contained the certificate for a jurat, so Lead (I really, really need to come up with a nickname for her...) looked over the document to make sure it was completed in its entirety.  Of course it wasn't and it was 3 pages long.  Lady #1 had a lot of writing to do.

In the meantime, Ladies #2 and #3 kept looking anxiously out the window.  It was distracting to watch them whisper to one another and then, almost in unison, turn their heads to look back at their car.  I thought, "What in the what is going on here?"

My question was answered when, after about 5 minutes, a guy came in and started growling angrily at the girls.  "What's taking so long?  This was supposed to be done a long time ago....mumble, mumble, growl....yo' ass out to the car..."

He walked around like that in our lobby until the whole menagerie left.  Now, I'm not going to make a character judgement, but I will merely point out some facts:

• Fact # 1: he was very sharply dressed.
• Fact # 2: he carried a big, solid-looking walking stick.
• Fact # 3: those ladies were very nervous around him.
• Fact # 4: he was, very clearly, the boss of them.

...and from that, I will let you draw your own conclusions.

My first clue that something was wrong was when I called this girl and she couldn't figure out how to work her phone.  The second was when I asked if she'd like to come in to interview and she said, "Sure."  Just a flat, blah, "Sure."  I didn't expect her to be "piss-my-pants" excited, but I knew with that non-committal reply that she was not a good fit.  We called our Recruiter and asked if it was necessary to even do an interview.  It wasn't.  Her application sucked, and neither MisManager nor I wanted to do it, but we decided to be nice and give her a courtesy interview.

I found out just how unexcited she really was when she called up about an hour before her interview and canceled.  No explanation, she just couldn't make it.  She wanted to reschedule for 15 minutes after we normally leave the office.  We said, uh no.  Then she offered to call us to let us know when she was going to be available later that day.  Wow...

Listen here, sister, we're interviewing because we're missing a member of our team.  This means we're doing extra work.  We. Are. Busy. You're off yer frickin' rocker if you think we're going to rearrange our whole damn day for you.

We called Recruiter and said we would like to pass on her all together.  Recruiter said, "No sweat!  I will call and let her know that you went with another applicant."  This was not a lie, since we'd already had 2 good interviews and another outstanding applicant on the way (this would be the one we selected).

What was a lie, was that Recruiter was going to call her.  Which, may not be fair, since I don't know if Flaky Applicant figured out how to work her phone.  So, Recruiter may have actually called her all day long.  She obviously never reached her, though, because the next day Flaky calls up again wanting to know why she didn't hear back from us about that interview.  She assertively pointed out that she was going to be available after 4:00.  Flaky left this message with one of my employees.

We called Recruiter to find out why she hadn't talked to Flaky.  She was out of the office.  And will continue to be until Monday.  Aw gawdammit.  Well, we'll just continue to ignore her calls I guess.

Until she calls again the next day and leaves a message with EVM.  Then calls later that day to insistently demand to hold for either me or MisManager.  I have no idea how long she was on hold, but I'm sure it was a record.

I guess we could have spoken with her, but we were occupied by other, more urgent matters, as I will discuss in later posts.  The rest of my crazy week will be broken down into a few parts, but will include:

• Someone almost getting pimp slapped in our lobby.  Like, by a really real pimp.
• Someone getting stabbed in the head in our lobby.  
• The Amish.  (Okay, this will not get it's own post, but whatever in the hell are the Amish doing in Phoenix?)
• Wackjob Wednesday.

I hope I have the brain cells to carry this forward.

I knew yesterday was going to be an off day when EmployeeVonMunchausen showed up 5 minutes late with breakfast from Sonic.  Because nothing says, "I totally could've made it to work on time, but fuck you," like strolling in late with breakfast.

It's been a long time since I've had any gripes with EmployeeVonMunchausen.  The last month, actually, has been bliss.  She hasn't called in, she hasn't overshared, she didn't withdraw and pout in her little corner.  For the first time in a very, very long time, she acted like an adult member of my team.  What changed?  I'll speculate and say:

• She got the head of H.R. involved in our war.  Honestly, she didn't get anything of use out of the encounter, but she did get an empathetic ear.  This is something she has not had in the office for quite some time.  She burned us all a long time ago.

• She started posting for positions at other locations.  In a desperate get-me-the-fuck-outta-here maneuver, she started putting herself out there for every open position that she thought she had a chance of landing.  Nice try, but the managers of those offices called me.  I hate to shoot myself in the foot, but I hate the idea of passing along a horrible employee more.  My relationship with my peers means a lot to me.  Besides, I sincerely don't wish her on anyone.

• She started posting for positions outside the company.  I was, obviously, not listed as a reference for her, so I never got to weigh in on any of that.  It's better that way.

Yesterday, she found out that the last of the internal positions declined her, so she decided to call a meeting with me.

What she said:

I'm actually really happy that it didn't work out.  I feel that the last month has been really good and it's like old times again.  I wanted to let you know that I'm interested in talking about what I need to do to move forward to the next level.

What I heard:

Well, since I got fucked out of every other job I applied for, I'm stuck trying to make this work out.  I have been a total shit head for the last year, but I'm just crazy enough to ask for a promotion on the heels of one of the worst performances I've ever turned out.  Whadda ya say?

I'm a good sport.  I gave her some criteria.  The next level of promotion for her is to Lead Representative.  I already have a Lead.  She's awesome, because she's everything EVM is not: dependable, assertive, respectful...sane.  This is what I need as my right hand.

The next act to this circus comes later in the day.  EVM has been suffering from a sinus infection for about a week now.  In all of this time, she's known what was wrong with her, but has not tried to get an appointment with her doctor or to check into Urgent Care.  Very suddenly, after returning from lunch, she says, "I just can't take this anymore, I need to go to Urgent Care.  I'm just going."

Well, now.  I guess I'm not going to stop her, but I'm wondering what's changed between this morning, when she seemed okay enough to be there, and 1:00.

My best guess: our discussion.  She's testing me to see if we really are "cool".  I hate tests and I suck at them.

Guess who doesn't accrue any sick time until the end of the month.  Right, EVM.  So, to start off the year, she's got -4 hours of sick time.  Guess who's getting another warning to start off her new year off right.

Experience tells me that this game just started.  Maybe I could have some fun this time if I understood the rules or the object, but I have no clue.  Whatever this damn game is, though, I'm determined to win in the end.

It's on.

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." --Albert Einstein


Dear Landscapers:

When the ocotillo in front of our building was blown over during the hail storm a couple of months ago, you really should have tossed it out.  Instead, you replanted the thing.  There was no hope of recovery for this plant.  It was pulled up by its roots and was laying on its side for days.

So now we have this dead plant decorating our building.  I, sure as shit, wasn't about to go dig the damn thing up, so I let it go.

Until it blew over again.  I called our facilities department to make sure you knew that you really needed to get rid of it this time.  Like, fuh-reelz.  You must not have gotten the message, though, because the thing was up again when I got in to work the next day.

Until it blew over again.  This time, it snapped apart right above the roots (because that's what dead plants do sometimes; they're just kinda funny like that) and I naively thought, "Oh, yeah, it's definitely getting thrown out now.  No. Doubt."

Except when I got in the next morning, it was back up again.  Propped up with rocks.

Are you fucking serious?!

Then it blew over.  Again.  This time, I made sure to catch your asses out there AS YOU WERE TRYING TO PROP THE FUCKING THING UP AGAIN.  What do you say to me when I asked you to throw it out?

I'm going to have to ask my supervisor.  He's the one who told us to put it back up.

Sonofabitch.  When the manager of the property you're paid to work on tells you to throw away a very dead plant that keeps blowing over, just throw the fucking thing out. I told you to refer your supervisor to me, because I wanted to talk to him before you left.

I turn to go inside and could clearly see you signalling to the guy trying to Bernie my dead ocotillo.  I know enough Spanish to understand that you were telling him to take it down.  Less than a minute later, the truck was up front so you could get rid of the dead plant.

Huh.  I guess you have walkie-talkie implants that give you instant access to your supervisor.  Your landscaping business must be more lucrative than I thought.

Sincerely,

Awesomeness