Don't Be A Complete Tool

It's been a long time since I've had any gripes with EmployeeVonMunchausen.  The last month, actually, has been bliss.  She hasn't called in, she hasn't overshared, she didn't withdraw and pout in her little corner.  For the first time in a very, very long time, she acted like an adult member of my team.  What changed?  I'll speculate and say:

• She got the head of H.R. involved in our war.  Honestly, she didn't get anything of use out of the encounter, but she did get an empathetic ear.  This is something she has not had in the office for quite some time.  She burned us all a long time ago.

• She started posting for positions at other locations.  In a desperate get-me-the-fuck-outta-here maneuver, she started putting herself out there for every open position that she thought she had a chance of landing.  Nice try, but the managers of those offices called me.  I hate to shoot myself in the foot, but I hate the idea of passing along a horrible employee more.  My relationship with my peers means a lot to me.  Besides, I sincerely don't wish her on anyone.

• She started posting for positions outside the company.  I was, obviously, not listed as a reference for her, so I never got to weigh in on any of that.  It's better that way.

Yesterday, she found out that the last of the internal positions declined her, so she decided to call a meeting with me.

What she said:

I'm actually really happy that it didn't work out.  I feel that the last month has been really good and it's like old times again.  I wanted to let you know that I'm interested in talking about what I need to do to move forward to the next level.

What I heard:

Well, since I got fucked out of every other job I applied for, I'm stuck trying to make this work out.  I have been a total shit head for the last year, but I'm just crazy enough to ask for a promotion on the heels of one of the worst performances I've ever turned out.  Whadda ya say?

I'm a good sport.  I gave her some criteria.  The next level of promotion for her is to Lead Representative.  I already have a Lead.  She's awesome, because she's everything EVM is not: dependable, assertive, respectful...sane.  This is what I need as my right hand.

The next act to this circus comes later in the day.  EVM has been suffering from a sinus infection for about a week now.  In all of this time, she's known what was wrong with her, but has not tried to get an appointment with her doctor or to check into Urgent Care.  Very suddenly, after returning from lunch, she says, "I just can't take this anymore, I need to go to Urgent Care.  I'm just going."

Well, now.  I guess I'm not going to stop her, but I'm wondering what's changed between this morning, when she seemed okay enough to be there, and 1:00.

My best guess: our discussion.  She's testing me to see if we really are "cool".  I hate tests and I suck at them.

Guess who doesn't accrue any sick time until the end of the month.  Right, EVM.  So, to start off the year, she's got -4 hours of sick time.  Guess who's getting another warning to start off her new year off right.

Experience tells me that this game just started.  Maybe I could have some fun this time if I understood the rules or the object, but I have no clue.  Whatever this damn game is, though, I'm determined to win in the end.

It's on.