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Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Why We're Horrible Parents: Reason #163



The other night, my daughter woke up crying.  She said that her stomach hurt, so Mr. A naturally assumed she was going to die.  I didn't think that 2 people needed to tend to a kid with a bellyache, so I fell asleep.

At 2:30 in the morning, Mr. A wakes me up.  "She started throwing up."  Yup.  Sometimes kids with bellyaches do that.  "She's also got a fever."  Uh huh.  "She's at 99.8."  Jackass.  That's not a fever.  "She seems to be in so much pain.  She can barely walk."  Um, the kid who has been awake for about 20 hours and just finished puking her guts out can't walk right?  "I think we should take her in."  GRRRRRRR!

I go downstairs and she's asleep on the couch.  "So, you want to start getting ready?"  No, I don't want to start getting ready, asshole!  I want to let our tired kid, who just threw up, get some sleep. 

A while later, he won.  I don't know how, but at the time it just seemed easier to agree with him.

We take her to Urgent Care, where Dr. Dipshit the nice doctor looks her over and starts jamming his hand into her belly.  "Do you see that?  Do you see the way she's flexing her stomach muscles?  We call that 'guarding'."  Oh, no you fucking didn't. This has got to be some joke you play on dumb parents who bring their kids to Urgent Care for no reason.  Anyone with half a sense of logic can tell that she's just reacting to you jamming your hands repeatedly into her tender belly.  He urged us to take her to the children's hospital for an ultrasound because he thinks she might have appendicitis.

What do we look like, fucking moro....

Where's Mr. A going?

To the emergency room at the children's hospital.

Oh, please.  I just want to get myself and my kid home for some much needed sleep.

Nope.  To the emergency room we go.  A doctor there takes a look at her, asks us questions about what brought us in, takes some notes...

Doctor Judgypants:  When was the last time she had a bowel movement?

I look at Mr. A; he looks at me; we shrug.  "Uh, we have no idea."

Doctor Judgypants: Neither of you can tell me about the last time she pooped?

Oh, crap.  The part about keeping track of her crap wasn't in our kid's instruction manual. 

Turns out she was blocked up.  Our co-pay is $250 for emergency room visits.  My daughter got a $250 enema that night.

The whole time, though, the doctor kept pushing the issue, "You seriously have no idea when the last time she went was?  Do you know if she's gone at all this week?"

My daughter has been fully potty trained for about 2 years now.  She wipes her own ass (most of the time) and everything.  How in the hell are we supposed to know when she's shitting?  We can ask her, I guess, but she doesn't have the best handle on the whole "time" thing.  Besides, she was answering, "Uh, huh," to every question.  "Kiddo, did you poop yesterday?"  "Uh, huh,"  "Did you poop out a goat on the moon?"  "Uh, huh,"

If there's any parent out there that knows about when the last time their fully potty trained kid took a dump, please set me straight.

4 comments:

Launa said...

Haha! Well, sort of. You write so well and make everything so funny! My hubby is a lot like Mr. A (always wants to take the kids into the hospital because they have a cough and they're going to die!) Sorry about the whole fiasco... no fun either way. Just glad she didn't have appendicitis!
And, our daughter is potty trained and no, I can't remember the last time she pooped... that doctor must not have had kids!! Brainiac for sure!
Oh, and thanks for reminding me to cut the woman who was telling my son to stop yelling a break. When I think back, even though I can't believe she was telling him to stop, she probably was having a bad day (and goodness knows we've all been there!) or just likes "mothering"!

Awesomeness said...

Thanks Launa! It actually makes me feel better that another parent doesn't know their kid's poop schedule.

It sounds like your lady was just a Perma-Mom. You know, the type that would throw out her "mom arm" no matter who was sitting in the passenger seat. Some people just can't switch it off. :D

I got "mom armed" on the way back to the office from a business breakfast 2 weeks ago. The lady (who is in her mid-50s) was so embarrassed. I just laughed my ass off. She's the same age as my mom and my mom would have done the same thing.

allgrowedup said...

The only reason I know the last time Lil Man pooped was because he's a disgusting 9 year old boy and they have the bathroom hygiene of wild monkey's. Besides leaving the door open, they barely wipe, (though somehow use ALL the toilet paper) don't "spray" and then feel the need to comment on said poop when they leave the bathroom...No really. I DIDN'T need to know how much better you feel after that. THANKS. UGH. lol

Dr. Dipshit sounds like the idiots we have in OUR ER. Hell some of the nurses in our Peds office tried to turn a run of the mill stomach virus into B having a "condition"...they ordered labs and expected that boy to collect stool samples? WTF?!?

Awesomeness said...

I'm so tired of that. I remember a saying, (I'm sure I'll butcher the shit out of it.) "If you hear hoof beats, look for horses, not zebras."

I'm not sure that Dr. Dipshit ever heard this (or however it actually goes). I'm surprised he didn't have her tested for Crohn's Disease or kidney stones while he was at it.