Don't Be A Complete Tool

As adults, we make an array of choices every day.  One of these is whether or not we'll show up to work.  As a manager, I have a strong opinion about this: if you choose not to show up for a day, I'm not going to give you crap; however, if you miss too many days, I'll eventually work toward firing your ass.  I think that's fair.

MisManager's philosophy on calling in sick: if you choose to not show up, you will be hounded by phone call or text with whiny guilt trips.  When it comes down to actually doling out disciplinary action for missing too many days, she prefers to excuse their behavior.  It makes my life a living hell, because we set a precedence for everyone else when we do that.

For example, EVM, rightfully, should have been fired 3 years ago.  When it really gets down to it, though, MisManager has been dodging the necessary steps to take this action by postponing write ups and giving multiple "final" written warnings.

On Monday and Tuesday, Jailbait (I know, not EVM this time) has called into work with some sort of stomach virus.  I know this thing is working its way around because my daughter and grandma had it.  It's pretty vicious and it's easy to mistake for food poisoning.

The current issue with Jailbait is that a) MisManager doesn't believe he's actually sick and b) he's out of sick time for the year already, because of a stomach flu in January.  Why she doesn't believe he's sick is beyond me, but she believes a lot of crazy things that have no basis in reality (as I'm about to illustrate for your entertainment).

The last few days, I have been caught in a nightmare role as a middle man in a lunatic conspiracy plot.  It's making me want to crawl under a rock.  Or grab an icepick.  Or cry for my mommy.  I don't know at this point, but this has been the longest week ever.

Monday

Stuck in traffic for 3 hours with two fighting preschoolers because some jackass pretended to pull a gun on cops on a freeway overpass.

Oh, and I had a half pot of coffee before I left the house.

So did I want to hear MisManager's crackhead theories about how Jailbait should be handling his illness like a man and coming to work regardless.  Or "irregardless" as she likes to say?  (Trust me, that can be it's own post right there.)  Did I want to stop myself from choking her when she was spewing this garbage in front of everyone else?

Do I have to tell you that the answer to both those questions are, "no?"

The finale of the impromptu free performance was MisManager asking me if I wanted her to call Jailbait to tell him that he needed to come in the next day "irregardless" of how he felt.  I know that the alternative to her calling is me calling, so my answer is "Uh, yeah.  You can take care of that one."

He didn't answer her call, so MisManager was seething for the rest of the day that he was "dodging her."  While I was on my way home, he sent me a text asking what she wanted.  Oh, brother.   Which part of the shit sandwich am I on this one?

Anyway, so just said something vague, like, "She wants to talk to you about tomorrow."  That was all.

MisManager calls me twice while I'm working out and then again when I'm trying to choke down a 15 minute dinner before I have to put my kids to bed.

What did he saaaaaaay?  Is that all he said?  What else did he say?

I guess when I'm stuffing my face with food, while a screaming 2-year old is strapped to my leg, I sound a lot like I'm holding back a conniving conversation with a backstabber.  I'll have to work on that.

Tuesday

Jailbait called in again.  The whole conversation:

Jailbait: Hey, Awesomeness, I'm not coming in today.  I should be fine by tomorrow though.
Awesomeness: Well, I hope you feel better, I'll see you tomorrow.
Jailbait: I'll call you if that changes.
Awesomeness: Thanks.

I get into work and relay this to MisManager who is now giving me the whole, "Was that really all he said?" routine again.  I did what any grown up professional would do: I told her I had to pee and ran away.  I had a long day ahead of me and I didn't want to start this way.  I just had to dodge her for an hour.  I can do this.

She was waiting for me outside the bathroom.  "Can I speak with you in private for a moment?"

I would love to, but I have a client showing up to stab me repeatedly in the face any minute now, and I just can't miss that.

Damn no-show.

I feel like you're holding back on me.  What aren't you telling me about what he said?

Oh, there's just no escaping this is there?

I'm not holding back anything.  I get the impression like you expect me to have said or done more during the conversation I had with him.  I didn't say anything else, because it's not like I'm in a position to do anything about his absence.  That's his choice.  What you saw was my scrambling to not say that in front of the rest of the staff.

I expected her to tear my head off, but she must have had a rare moment of clarity.  She just assured me that she doesn't expect me to demand his presence LIAR! and that she just wanted to make sure that I wasn't covering for him.

Wednesday

Jailbait makes it back into the office.  Hooray!  We now have to serve him with a verbal warning for his attendance.  Boo!

I wish that would have gone smoothly, but MisManager decided to throw the book at him and berate him for his call-in excuses.  From 2 years ago.

The only reason I stayed in the room was because the exit was blocked.  Seriously.

Jailbait, naturally got a little defensive and proceeded to let her know that he hadn't recently called in for anything other than his own illness.

I ended this as quickly as possible.

Later that day, she called me.

Did you hear the way he was talking to me?  I can't believe he copped an attitude in there.  This seals it.  I need to get to the bottom of why he was really gone.  He wasn't sick. Did he look sick to you?  You know where this attitude is coming from?  EVM.  She did this!  You know what?  I'm done feeling sorry for her.  She's fucking GONE!  She's poisoning everyone.  I don't care what she does now, her ass is done.

Honestly, if I thought she had the stones to make good on that threat, I would have celebrated.  Never gonna happen.

Thursday

I am now sitting in my room, where I've been for the last 3 hours, because I'm now laid up with the same stomach virus that Jailbait and my kid had.

You missed, karma!  You missed.