Don't Be A Complete Tool

If I weren't so awesome, I would have been afraid of you. You very obviously followed me around the store. You looked very crazed and hell-bent on catching up to me.

I know you were following me, because no one else goes into the store to buy a turkey wrap, coffee creamer and eye drops. Well, just not coincidentally at the same time anyway.

There is a fair chance that you had innocent intentions. I am pretty cute. It could be that my raw animal magnetism ripped you off the bench against your will and kept dragging you down random, unrelated aisles with me.

Man, I hate when that happens.

Literally, husband. You lost our child's diaper bag. It's the big, black thing sitting in the shopping cart. The thing with our son's teething drops, which I would appreciate right about now. Did it blend in just right with the bright redness of the cart maybe?

What makes matters worse, is your grandma took that cart and returned it to the store. She pushed it from the parking lot all the way into the store and did not once see this huge black bag. Your prescription is up-to-date you say? My ass, old lady.

Even so, it's kind of hard to fault an old, blind lady for not seeing something. You unloaded the cart, husband o' mine. There was even stuff on he bottom of the cart that you managed to remember. Like that case of nasty Pepsi Max. That crap is liquid butt in a can. Making you drink it alone should be enough of a punishment. Next time, pull your head out, tool.

Don't ever get between a girl and her first cup of coffee. What in the hell planet do you live on that you haven't learned that yet?

Yesterday, when I stopped by your establishment to grab a cup, you were brewing new coffee for a couple of the dispensers. That's great! Keep it coming. My problem is that there are 6 other coffee receptacles that you were also blocking while you were doing this. Not cool.

"Am I in your way?" this is what you ask, not at all sounding like you care that you OBVIOUSLY ARE. Move it or lose it sister!

Manager, I really expected you to mind your Ps and Qs after our last encounter. You have failed miserably at easing your way back into your first week back to work after a vacation. Go back on vacation already.

I've worked with you for 3 years now, so I'm pretty aware of the fact that you pretty much accept the first truth you get. You're as gullible as a turkey with a cloth over it's head. I stand back and laugh at you quite often over this. Unfortunately, it's not quite as funny when it's about me.

Why would you believe that I refused to do something for a multi-million dollar client? Is it because a business partner that hasn't brought us business in over 3 years is upset with me because I wouldn't accomodate her laziness? Weren't we just laughing together at her stupid cow antics yesterday? Was yesterday really that long ago that you would have already forgotten this? Do you think I have shit for brains? Do you see what I'm doing here? Does it look a lot like asking questions?

Asking questions is a method that people sometimes use to uncover facts:

Crappy Boss Lady: Did you tell Mr. Big Client that he had to risk busting a nail to sign something he'd already offered multiple times to sign?

Awesomeness: Shucks no, ma'am. I would never do that.

CBL: Why would Ms. Lazy Asshat say you did?

A: Because she's a fucking tool.

Done. You've just gotten my side of the story.