Don't Be A Complete Tool

I had to leave the house today. I was going insane. We decided to push our luck and try a restaurant again for the second time in a week.

We ended up at a restaurant that hates children. I mean, I'm not sure that they do, but I'm feeling melodramatic right now, so for the sake of this blog post: they roast unruly babies in the kitchen and then stuff them with pickled puppies.

Before they seated us we explained to them that we would need 3 things: a booster seat, a high chair and a booth. The hostess said, "Sure, we can do that!" then proceeded to lead us to a table.

"I'm sorry, we said we needed a booth." I thought she maybe didn't hear me the first time. I was wrong. She just ignored me. The actual response we get was: "Oh, I know, but we can't have a high chair at a booth. It's against fire code."

Oh reeeeeeeeeeeally? I know I've gotten a high chair at a booth at that same restaurant. So maybe the fire code has recently changed. I dunno. I also get a high chair at a booth in other restaurants that I go into. Maybe they just have wider aisles in between their tables. Maybe they ignore fire code. I'm a reasonable person and I can understand that that circumstances change from time to time and from place to place.

So what the hell's my problem? I have 3:

1. She heard us at the entrance, but drew us all the way to the back of the restaurant before explaining to us that we would not be able to have both a high chair and a booth. My little girl was hungry and didn't understand why we had to leave. She cried.
2. Why didn't we just take the table and put the booster on a chair? I mean, gee, it seems reasonable. Until you see their chairs. They're small and rickety and not as wide as the booster. If we put our kid in a booster on one of those things, I would estimate at least a 78% chance that she would have fallen off or toppled the chair. She's a normal, active 3 year old.
3. There was an adult sitting in the aisle on the table side. Why is this person not a fire hazard, but my kid in a high chair is? It can't be about the person in the chair, because if a fire breaks out the adult will not courteously tuck the chair in before running for the door in a panic. Hypocrites.

Say goodbye to our business forever R.I.P Thursdays.

• "My shirt tails are too long." I'll get right on that sir.


• "While listening to a mix of a song in e minor I accidentally launched a song in iTunes in e flat major. Was very confused for a second." Gah! I hate it when that happens.


• "Taco Tuesday" Much better than Menudo Monday.


• "rain rain go away...Drew" This actually reads like a Wheel of Fortune "before and after" category. (Rain, rain, go away/Go away Drew. Po po Drew.)


• "Omg if one more ask me do I play ball. Imma start tellin people I swam in the olympics with mike phelps." Yeah, but do you play ball? Seriously, you're just some random dude who does in fact play ball. What the hell are you talkin about? Imma boo you when your games come on now.


• "My ears got boners from this record...." Link omitted - I don't want people getting ear boners from anything they come across here.


• "Getting a little frustrated. Can never open a pot and get taken off every hand. Not cool. Table is not cooperating with me" OMG! Samesies!!


• "Wow-just sitting at home and heard a "star tour" bus go by my house and insult me over a loud speaker-think i'll put nails out tomorrow." If you knew who this was, you would understand why I'm cruelly laughing my ass off right now.


• "So...I have kind of an awesome announcement to make in the very near future. Probably within an hour. I have to stop jumping around, first." Why not now? I mean, you're already online and writing. Stop jumping around and just spit it out TOOL!


• "Woke up late- missed the memorial coverage- didn't miss the premiere of taylor swift's new video- guess today isn't a complete waste." Says who? Your life is sadder than mine if your big accomplishment of the day is watching some shitty country video. (What's even funnier: this is the same person as "bus tour whiner". Bwahahahahaha!)


• "Dear underpants elastic: I see what you did there. Message received." I don't even want to know what that means. TMI honey.
  

• Before posting, please ask yourself the following question: "Am I making a post which is either funny, informative, or interesting on any level?" (Well, sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.....sheesh!)


• Keep all images work-safe. (In all fairness, I'm not the worst, but I have posted up some stuff that makes you wish for instant sight sanitizer. Like you'd be happy if J from Men In Black could just flashy-thing the last few seconds away bad.)


• Catchphrases in general. Just because somebody else wrote something humorous does not necessarily mean if you do the same thing then you will be humorous. (Aw, come on! When did running jokes become a bad thing?)


• Do not place foul language in thread subjects. (Fuckin' ooops! The "F" word is not my favorite word or anything, but I'm not going to try to pretend that it's not in my vocabulary.)


• One word posts are most likely to be deleted whenever I see them. (Yikes....sometimes my posts contain no words....)


• Use descriptive titles when you start a thread. (The last thread I started: "What the hell is going on?" Not real descriptive, but it's about the sudden increase in unexpected deaths of famous people. I was just at a loss for words. Still am. RIP Steve McNair.)


• You can be silly, but try not to be pointlessly silly, especially by starting pointless threads or by adding one-line comments like "me too!" or "Yeah!". (I would be banned from this forum on day 1. I guess you have to get overly imaginative if you would like to concur with someone. Also with the "starting pointless threads": some of the boards themselves are pointless, so how are you supposed to start a meaningful thread?)


• Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language, rude comments and innuendo. (It's unfair to lump using crude or sexually explicit language or innuendo with rude comments, threats and personal attacks. The first set has their time and place. The second set has their own time and place: right before a boxing/wrestling match.)


• ...submit replies that are relevant to the topic of discussion. (Ooooh, yeah, I'm really guilty on this one. Good thing my forum tolerates this. The reason I have a problem with this one, is that it isn't conducive to the natural flow of conversation.)
  

Overall, I know that there are millions of assholes in the internet sea and that people will start these forums with the reasonable expectation that they would actually have a "normal" conversation regarding their subject of choice. I have suggestions for a few rules that I haven't seen that would make more sense:

• If your comment must be moderated by Admin, it will be changed to "I like pudding!"


• If you complain about personal attacks where there clearly aren't any (read: I'm being a whiny attention whore who thinks everything's about me), we will start a thread dedicated to real personal attacks on you.


• Overuse of anagrams (BRB, LOL, ROFLMAO) will get you sent back to elementary school Billy Madison style. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Occasional use will be tolerated FWIW.


• Huge blocks of type are hard for the ADHD set to process. Please start a new paragraph every once in a while. Especially if you have 105 lines of type in your message.


• Beating a dead horse will result in some goons showing up at your doorstep to beat you like a dead horse.

Okay, so I'm on day 2 of my vacation and I'm purposefully avoiding any possible place where I could potentially run into some tools. (Read: I haven't left the house.) This is good for my sanity, but bad for a blog about tools. To fill the void until I actually leave my house, (which could take a while) I'll just toss out some random stuff that I hope will entertain everyone until people start pissing me off again.