Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009


People join them for various reasons. I think that the overall attraction to these internet sites is to connect with a broader range of people who are share your interests. Coming in at a close second is to piss people off for the sake of your own amusement.

I happen to belong to the best forum on the entire WWW, but I'm kind of a newbie in general to the whole concept of talking to strangers online. Some of the rules that are in place for the other forums that I've lurked on make sense. Their purpose is to make sure that none of their members have to be subjected to flaming troll asshattery and that is understandable.

Some rules, however, make me cringe and appreciate my extremely laid back, freedom of expression loving board all that much more. Some of the rules that I've seen on other forums that I am guilty of breaking daily:

  • Before posting, please ask yourself the following question: "Am I making a post which is either funny, informative, or interesting on any level?" (Well, sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.....sheesh!)

  • Keep all images work-safe. (In all fairness, I'm not the worst, but I have posted up some stuff that makes you wish for instant sight sanitizer. Like you'd be happy if J from Men In Black could just flashy-thing the last few seconds away bad.)

  • Catchphrases in general. Just because somebody else wrote something humorous does not necessarily mean if you do the same thing then you will be humorous. (Aw, come on! When did running jokes become a bad thing?)

  • Do not place foul language in thread subjects. (Fuckin' ooops! The "F" word is not my favorite word or anything, but I'm not going to try to pretend that it's not in my vocabulary.)

  • One word posts are most likely to be deleted whenever I see them. (Yikes....sometimes my posts contain no words....)

  • Use descriptive titles when you start a thread. (The last thread I started: "What the hell is going on?" Not real descriptive, but it's about the sudden increase in unexpected deaths of famous people. I was just at a loss for words. Still am. RIP Steve McNair.)

  • You can be silly, but try not to be pointlessly silly, especially by starting pointless threads or by adding one-line comments like "me too!" or "Yeah!". (I would be banned from this forum on day 1. I guess you have to get overly imaginative if you would like to concur with someone. Also with the "starting pointless threads": some of the boards themselves are pointless, so how are you supposed to start a meaningful thread?)

  • Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language, rude comments and innuendo. (It's unfair to lump using crude or sexually explicit language or innuendo with rude comments, threats and personal attacks. The first set has their time and place. The second set has their own time and place: right before a boxing/wrestling match.)

  • ...submit replies that are relevant to the topic of discussion. (Ooooh, yeah, I'm really guilty on this one. Good thing my forum tolerates this. The reason I have a problem with this one, is that it isn't conducive to the natural flow of conversation.)

Overall, I know that there are millions of assholes in the internet sea and that people will start these forums with the reasonable expectation that they would actually have a "normal" conversation regarding their subject of choice. I have suggestions for a few rules that I haven't seen that would make more sense:

  • If your comment must be moderated by Admin, it will be changed to "I like pudding!"

  • If you complain about personal attacks where there clearly aren't any (read: I'm being a whiny attention whore who thinks everything's about me), we will start a thread dedicated to real personal attacks on you.

  • Overuse of anagrams (BRB, LOL, ROFLMAO) will get you sent back to elementary school Billy Madison style. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Occasional use will be tolerated FWIW.

  • Huge blocks of type are hard for the ADHD set to process. Please start a new paragraph every once in a while. Especially if you have 105 lines of type in your message.

  • Beating a dead horse will result in some goons showing up at your doorstep to beat you like a dead horse.