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Sunday, May 31, 2009
Laughing Cow
4:34 PM | 
Posted by
Awesomeness |
What in the hell kind of cheese is that little Babybel cheese?! My new diet has me eating 2 of those every 3 or 4 days. I'd like to know what I'm eating.
I looked at your package. It says, "semisoft cheese". I looked at your website. It also says, "semisoft cheese". Is this just called semisoft cheese? No. For once, I looked something up.
Under semisoft cheese (incidentally, I was corrected in my search and asked "Did you mean semi soft cheese?") I found listings for all sorts of cheese. Most of them were not even made with cow milk.
What the fuck am I eating Laughing Cow?! There must be a reason for that name. I think the cow is laughing at me because the cheese I'm eating didn't come from a cow. Probably didn't come from milk either. They probably just packed up some Frumunda Cheese into some wax and banked millions off of it.
Who's the tool here? It's a mystery.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Webinar Drone
Holy moly Robot Lady. Can you possibly be any more boring to listen to? I cannot believe that you offer training for a living. You do know that voices come in a variety of ranges, pitches, tones? These are all things that make your voice colorful, if not exciting. Please instruct the human that made your voice modulation program to fix this right away.
At one point I had to giggle because you opened up the line to questions and, when no one responded, you said, “We have a really quiet bunch today.” No duh, lady. You’ve put us all to sleep.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Middle Man
First off, I will give you credit for actually being of the female persuasion. It’s not my fault the commonly used term describes a male.
You’re handling a matter of great importance on behalf of your manager. This is something that countless thousands of people do on a daily basis. What they don’t do, is call someone who is totally unrelated the situation you’re indirectly resolving and get frustrated with them when they have to ask you eleventy billion questions about what you need. You are essentially doing what is commonly referred to as “starting all over again from scratch” at this point.
A better solution would be to wait just one additional day for the person that was directly handling this to return to the office. I know, I know, the extremely important and totally loyal client will discontinue to do business with you if you don’t get this matter resolved right this second. Even though, by my logic, they can’t be that loyal if some little thing like waiting one additional day for a conversation and a signature is going to send them running for the hills. This is not a matter that will lose them money or cause them to do anything additional that will take up their precious time. It literally effects them not one iota to wait an additional day.
Your freaking out on the phone with me because your boss wanted my boss to sign something last week, but waited until today to mention it, doesn’t help anyone. My manager is not here. Note the sunshiney demeanor. That’s always a dead giveaway. No amount of reasoning with me is going to make her magically appear in the office as if called by a genie. Trust me, if I could make someone appear in front of me via genie, it would not be her.
Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. I’ve been as helpful as I can be, but forging signatures on documents is not something you can sweet talk me into with your whiney guilt trip. I also have a sneaking suspicion that my manager has not agreed to the terms you’re trying to strong-arm me into. We’ll just wait and see.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Haunted House Owners
We've lived in our house for about 5 years. For about 4 1/2 years, the house across the street from us has been abandoned. The story I've heard is that it was purchased by a couple who moved here from another state. About 2 months or so in, the wife didn't like it here and decided to move back. The husband stayed for a little while to try to sell the house, but was unsuccessful, so he just bailed too.
Ever since then, the house has been vacant. Various people come out about once a year or so to ... well I don't really know. I know what they don't do. They don't weed. The front yard of this house looks like a jungle. There is a lush green field of weeds. This is no exaggeration.
Apparently they're hyper-pollenating weeds, too. We have about 25x more weeds than we've ever had since we've moved in here. Really, it makes me want to run over there in the middle of the night and douse their entire yard in gasoline and just burn it all up.
The super crappy part: other neighbors are now giving up on keeping up with their yards. It's a lot of damn work, but geez people, have a little pride in your home. I'm not a plant person, but I feel bad for your ... green, leafy, flowering plant things ... that are suffocating under all the weeds.
I might start a telethon. The proceeds would be split as follows:
Ever since then, the house has been vacant. Various people come out about once a year or so to ... well I don't really know. I know what they don't do. They don't weed. The front yard of this house looks like a jungle. There is a lush green field of weeds. This is no exaggeration.
Apparently they're hyper-pollenating weeds, too. We have about 25x more weeds than we've ever had since we've moved in here. Really, it makes me want to run over there in the middle of the night and douse their entire yard in gasoline and just burn it all up.
The super crappy part: other neighbors are now giving up on keeping up with their yards. It's a lot of damn work, but geez people, have a little pride in your home. I'm not a plant person, but I feel bad for your ... green, leafy, flowering plant things ... that are suffocating under all the weeds.
I might start a telethon. The proceeds would be split as follows:
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Styrofoam Bananas....really?!
It's been quite a while since I just randomly picked someone out of the news to write about. Apparently, I've been living in CottonCandySunshineLand for a little while. Hmmm. Happens sometimes.Not in Fond du Lac though. They've got some chump dressed like a chimp stealing Styrofoam bananas from gas stations. If you're going to dress up in a costume and steal something, why not make it worth your while? Why not dress up like Chester Cheetah and steal Cheetos? You can at least eat those.
Oooh, or dress up like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and steal some of those tubes of cookie dough. I would kill for some cookie dough right now. Maybe I'll hunt down my Dough Boy costume.
Or how about...dressing up like a monkey and stealing REAL bananas. Then, while you're making your escape you can toss the peels on the ground behind you, so if anyone's chasing you they'll slip and fall. Just don't stop to laugh at them.
PSA: Don't steal stuff.
source: Fdlreporter.com
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