Don't Be A Complete Tool

Dear Work Children:

I was gone for one damn day and you all somehow managed to do everything but burn the place down. I know that some people think they're the "brains of the operation," but I think it might not be a huge stretch in my case.

How many times do I have to train you all how to fix errors in your submitted paperwork? I'll refresh your memory: it begins when you pull out the paperwork you fucked up and ends with you doing it over again for resubmission. Truth be told, those are the only 2 steps involved.

Can someone besides me put sugary food away in the refrigerator so we don't get ants?

Locking the cabinets 101: put the key-thingie I keep showing you into the little keyhole that it fits into. Turn.

When MisManager tells you to throw away tools that are mandatory for our security protocols, Just. Say. No. Good thing the trash hadn't been emptied yet.

Please refrain from stuffing my work folder with your filing. File your own shit you lazy assholes.

I will neither approve overtime for nor will I comp you for any time you volunteered to stay after your scheduled time out once your work is completed. "Out time" means "Get The Fuck Out." If you like it so much at work that you just can't bear to leave, that's on your own dime.

Don't leave it to me to call for maintenance to come out to remove graffiti from the property.

Also, when I mention the graffiti and the fact that it needs to be removed, don't bore me with a 5 minute long story about pigeon crap on a sign no one looks at. Let it go or call it in yourself.

If you're going to write me a note to let me know what happened while I was gone, emailing me and telling your coworker to tell me all about it is OVERKILL. I'm sure you'll also tell me yourself when you come back to work on Monday. I'll be nice and try not to stab you in the jugular with my pen.

Signed,
The boss