Don't Be A Complete Tool

I thought I needed some assistance today from a "support" department. Apparently I just needed to talk to someone's voicemail, get an answer from someone who couldn't possibly help me (even though I left a detailed message), then to get transferred to someone whose phone line wasn't working. It went a little something like this:

Me: "Wow! I need some help with this. This is a job for the people at 1-800-DUMBFUX."

.......... dialed 1-800-DUMBFUX

.......... "press option 1 for generic department that can help you"

.......... okay option 1 it is

.......... "press option 3 for specific people you need"

.......... oooohh, almost there!

.......... Thank you for calling The DUMBFUX, you've reached the voicemail of Mona Won'tAnswerThePhona. My office hours include the time of your call, but I'm busy helping more important people. If you need immediate assistance, please dial 1-800-DUMBFUX then press option 1 and option 3 -- or hang up, crawl under your desk and cry - you're beyond help. BEEEEEEP!

.......... Hey Mona, this is Awesomeness from Awesomeville. I need your help with Specific Customer with Exact Account Number. They have [this detailed thing] going on. I would try to reach another person in your department, but the instructions you give in your voicemail are what I followed to get to your voicemail. Call me back at My Phone Number.

20 minutes later....

.......... Hi Awesomeness, this is Nelly KnowNothing. I didn't even listen to your message, but I'm returning your call anyway. I'm going to transfer you to someone who can help you. What do you need?

.......... Um, Nelly, I appreciate the return call, but I was courteous enough to give you all the information you needed to help me in the voicemail. What part of that do I need to repeat for you? (Yeah, I'm not real popular with the support people. No wonder they jerk me around.)

.......... Well, Awesomeness, quite frankly, my job is to return phone calls to Mona's voicemail and I typically do this without putting myself out by actually being proactive and listening to them. I pay attention for the name and number and tune out the rest of the message. So, what do you need again?

.......... I need to talk to Mona. Hence the message. Maybe if Mona listens to her own voicemail, she'll understand what I need and help me out.

.......... Hahahahahahahaha! Don't hold your breath. I'll let you in on a little secret: Mona hasn't actually worked here for about 3 years. We're just too lazy to change the voicemail. I'm going to transfer you to someone in another state who works in a department that is totally unrelated to your purpose for calling. Okay?

.......... No. I...

.......... *click* *ringing*

Obviously, some of this conversation was my interpretation sprinkled with some imagination, but the outcome was the same. Also, I never did get the help I needed.

Twice a year, my company sends out a survey about the effectiveness of it's support people. I'm naming names for these tools. (Again, why I have no friends.)