Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Am I Awesome Enough To Pull This Off?

Probably not, but let's give it a shot anyway.  My big 'tool' story from the end of the week is fairly complicated.  It involves a lot of back story and inside-joke explaining.  I thought about not writing about it, but then again, I love a challenge (and I have nothing else to write about).  So, please bear with me.

Meet FussyFranco:

Age: 40ish

Spirit Age: 12

Likes: Playing annoying pranks and bitching

Dislikes: Jokes directed toward him

Origin: Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Quote: This is not something I think  I should see when I go peepee.

'Franco' is our business partner.  He is rarely in the office.  When he is there, he likes to play pranks on us.  Not funny pranks, however, completely retarded ones like: putting lotion in the earpiece of our phones or taking the track ball out of our mouses.  One day, I came back from lunch to find all of my paperclips scattered all over my desk.  I heard a distinct twittering, girlish giggle coming from the back area.  Yeah, that's....hilarious.  Or something.  It took me 1/2 a second to sweep them into a trash can and get on with my day.

'Franco' is originally from Quebec and, while not actually a Frenchman, I often refer to him as 'Frenchie' because he is a prissy, snobby little twerp.  Oh, and because he really hates being called 'Frenchie'.  "Ooops, sorry, I'm just an ignorant American that doesn't understand the difference....(prick)"

Meet CarlosTheComedian:

Age: 19

Spirit Age: 9

Likes: To make people laugh

Dislikes: Stuffy, uptight dickwads 

Origin: ...uh, somewhere in Mexico

Quote: "Hey, Awesomeness, you should totally come to work dressed like a panda bear.  That would be sweet."

'Carlos' is my newest employee.  He's a fun-loving kid.  He is a bit mischievous, but never malicious.  He somehow manages to get his work done in spite of his shenanigans, which is probably his most endearing quality.

Lately, 'Carlos' has been on a health kick.  On a slow Saturday, he drew a picture of himself with, like, a 12 pack of abs and captioned it 'Carlos the beast 2 months from now.' This picture got copied and plastered all over the office.

Two weeks ago, while Carlos was helping at another office, we took down his buff pictures and replaced them with a picture of him looking like Fat Bastard captioned 'Carlos the beast 2 months from now'.  We all had a good laugh over it.  We left the pictures up because they just rule.

Meet EmployeeVonMunchausen:

Age: 33

Spirit Age: 96

Likes: Attention

Dislikes: Lack of pity

Origin: Juarez, Mexico

Quote: "My stomach feels like it's on fire and I'm peeing blood, but I think I'll make it."

If Melman and Gloria from Madagascar had a baby, it would be EmployeeVonMunchausen.  She has his personality and her physique.  I would say more, but that's pretty much all there is to her.

So "The Incident":

On Thursday, Franco comes strolling into the office and starts bitching because I didn't notice him for almost 5 minutes.  (I was working, you know, like sometimes people do while they're at work.)  He's yammering on and on about how he's just going to call me next time...(really?) when I notice his appearance. 

Franco is usually dressed in either a primly pressed button-down shirt or an equally wrinkle-free polo and dress slacks.  His hair is normally gelled up  in carefully manicured 'I care about looking like I don't care about my hair' spikes.

On Thursday, Franco was wearing a maroon v-neck sweater, white button down shirt and maroon and gold striped tie.  His hair was completely flat and combed off to one side. 

Exactly like this, minus the robe, glasses and wand.

Without thinking, I asked, "What's up with the Harry Potter look?"  He (thankfully and surprisingly) took no offense and complained that everyone's been teasing him about looking like a college kid all day.

When he walked away, Carlos started laughing and asked if I really called him Harry Potter.  He was impressed and I was totally his hero for the next 30 minutes or so. 

About 15 minutes later, I was sitting with a client in our lobby when I hear Franco yell, "That is not appropriate!  I am offended.  Do you really think that's funny?"  What the hell is he getting his panties in a bunch over?

He pulls me aside and proceeds to chew me out for 20 minutes because Carlos called another employee to tell her that I called Franco 'Harry Potter.'  Ugh, seriously?  I was the one who called you names, you douche.  So now I have to sit through, "I can't believe how mean he is.  I am not going to go to HR, because I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but I was very offended.  That was totally uncalled for...."  Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda....

Then, Franco starts bitching about the 'Carlos the beast' pictures.  "I can't believe you would leave those offensive pictures up.  Think of how bad EmployeeVonMunchausen must feel when she has to look at that fat drawing that looks just like her all day..."

And the Toolie Award for Straightest Face After The Stupidest Comment goes to...


Honestly, no one -- not even her -- had thought about that.  The pictures are clearly labelled 'Carlos', which takes all the guesswork out of who we're poking fun at.  If anyone who normally works at the office would have been offended, it would have been EVM and she would have complained to HR by now.

And the Toolie Award for Biggest Spazzy Crybaby goes to...


The Toolie Award for The Most Ironically Offensive Complaint goes to...


Wow, dude, I think you're going to sweep all your categories!

Now, the final award is the Annual 'Swish And Flick: Harry Potter Look-Alike' Award and it goes to...

Don't forget to thank me in your speech, dick.


Bonehead said...

One of the nice things about work (aside from the paycheck) is the cast of characters you're forced to spend time with. I just started a new job with an office full of them this past week - no Fussy Francos as yet that I can see, but I'd probably smack him in the head with a stale french bread if he spilled things all over my desk.

Awesomeness said...

Ha ha! I should just keep a bag of stale bread behind my desk.

I love that moment in my day when someone does something completely ridiculous and I sooooo know I'm writing about that later.

Then I get home and can't get a spare second to myself and the light bulb burns out.

Very sad.