Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Pencil Me In

Okay, MisManager.  I'm going to explain something that's not a secret about me.  I am one of those anal-retentive types.  This is particularly why I manage your operations and I do it very effectively.  Sweating the small stuff is absolutely why I get out of bed in the morning.

It's not logical to me that people would not just show up to work on time/not work while they're on the clock/make very obvious rookie mistakes when they're 3 years out of new-hire training/commit to doing something and then totally blow it off... just like you.  I expect better from my staff, but when you breeze through the office long enough to show them how little you give a care about these standards, it renders all of my expectations ineffective.

The one in particular that you're on my gallows today for: committing to something and then totally blowing it off.  We've been talking performance reviews for weeks now.  You know I like to get them done and out of the way as soon as possible so they aren't hanging over our heads for months.  I do it while information from the last year is fresh in mind and so me and my staff can put the past year behind us and work on setting goals for the coming year.

TWO WEEK AGO:  We look at your calendar to select appropriate dates and times for the review.  We were both looking at the same thing.  You had the morning of the 1st and the 2nd completely free.  You said, "Send me an invite, so I can get that time booked."  Uh huh.  I've fallen for that before.  So what I did was send you an invite, write it in the schedule, invite the employees effected by the reviews and then talk to you every couple of days about it.  I know it might have been a little over-the-top, but you have a strange propensity toward finding anything else to do but pay attention to your responsibilities toward the office.

ONE WEEK AGO: I hand you the schedule.  Give you my bi-weekly lecture on how important it is to keep that time blocked and to just get these discussions over with.  You said, "Look!  My calendar is still free for those mornings...well, now I have to conduct a meeting on the morning of the 2nd, but I'll be here by 9:00."  Argh!  I knew it!  I explain one last time why it's so important that we keep this commitment.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1st: MisManager. MisManager.  9:30, MisManager.  10:30 you come strolling in the door.  Your morning: you had a morning meeting with the maintenance guy at the facility down the road.  No, bitch!  You had a morning meeting with me and my staff.  You wanted to get started, because clearly your Cup O' Stupid you had on the way in was kicking in.  Lunches start at 11:00.  Half an hour is not enough time to get even one, muchless, three performance reviews done.  Okay, well we only have one tomorrow, so I'll remind you of it one last time.  Your response: "I have that meeting in the morning, but I should be back by 9:00...then I scheduled a meeting with 2 other managers."  NO, BITCH!  You scheduled a meeting with me and the employee.  Two weeks ago.

Well thanks to my bitching up a Katrina-style storm gentle and tactful persuasion, I found some holes in your schedule those days and exploited the hell out of them to get these reviews done.  Then, the final kick to the head: you complained that you didn't have the copies of the reviews already on your desk.  You've scheduled a meeting with your manager and she's going to want to see them.  Oh I'll give you the copies all right, but I think you should stick them somewhere other than your desk.


Bethany Wiggins said...

Thanks for a laugh!