Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

The New Diet



I think I finally found a great way to lose the rest of the baby weight.  It's the best appetite suppressor in the world: obnoxious, non-stop, random lunch blathering. 

We have another business partner at the office that I affectionately refer to as 'Clueless Magoo'.  This guy.  Two or three days out of the week he infests a corner desk and proceeds to inject himself into every conversation.  Except, instead of enhancing the flow of discussion with his own witty insights, he changes the topic to something no one cares about and then Doesn't. Shut. Up.

We're having a fun conversation about the episode of Divorce Court where a wife wants to leave her husband because "he's gay".  Just because a guy likes to give his buddies back rubs and kiss them, it doesn't automatically make him gay... The debate is raging on when Clueless Magoo walks over:

Ha, ha, ha.  That's funny.  Hey do any of you know when The Eagles are coming to town? April? Do you have tickets? No? Are you going? Where are you buying your tickets?  Who are you going with?  Don Henley is my favorite!  After George Bush, he's my all-time favorite Texan......
Yeah.  This is annoying enough during work hours, but when I'm on my lunch break, I just want to zone out and eat and not talk about:

  • football conspiracies
  • H1N1 conspiracies
  • garage doors
  • The Magna Carta
  • audiobooks
  • his Prius 
  • retired basketball players
  • potentially defunct home builders
  • the fact that he and JailBait are both wearing striped ties today
  • ponderings over when the maintenance team will finally clean the pigeon crap off of our building
  • insurance claims
  • the fact that he's a vegan (if I have to hear him quip, "I'd eat that ___(insert food with meat in it)___, but it's against my religion," one more time I will punch all of his teeth out. . . he can just boil his veggies.)
  • whether or not he can pronounce everyone's name in German (that keeps him entertained for, like, half an hour)
  • the aesthetic properties of duct tape
  • mountain men
  • negligent homicide (I wanted to side-step this one for a lot of reasons)
  • Coventry Cathedral 
The list just keeps growing by the day.  I spend my whole lunch staring blankly at him, nodding.  "Uh huh."  "Uh huh."  "I dunno."  "Sounds reasonable." "Nice."  "Cool."  "Hmmm..."  "Mmm hmmm."  "I'll check that out some other time."  "Wow."

By the time I realize that I haven't touched my food, it doesn't actually matter because a) my appetite is gone and b) my lunch is over.

I'd leave for lunch, but I'm supposed to be 'accessible' to my team (hoooray for being salaried!) and also the neighborhood we work in is kind of scary.  My other alternatives: eating in the supply closet or the vanity area of the women's restroom. 

The vanity has a table.  And tampons.