Don't Be A Complete Tool

This banner has been posted up on a local furniture store for the last 3 months.  I am now convinced that there is something I'm missing.  If anyone can explain this to me, I would be super appreciative:



Seriously?  Anyone have a clue?

Yesterday, I introduced you all to the newest member of my team.  This guy:


If ever there was a person who belonged on display in this blog, it's him.

We don't demand much from our security personnel.  Hang out and wait for shit to happen, really.  It's a pretty sweet gig.  Walk around the building a bit.  Chase away panhandlers.  It's a breeze.

Even if they don't do any of that, our absolute core expectation: keep unauthorized persons from entering our secured area.  As basic as that might seem, and as hard as it is to believe, this was the source of today's confusion.

Before coming to work for us, Dory (I have settled on this....it was the most demeaning, so naturally, the winner) used to work for a hospital.  I find it hard to believe that someone would have to tell him not to let junkies into the pharmacy.

Scratch that, I would have found it hard to believe before today.

We have one secured area.  90% of our clients never need to go in there.  When they do, we need to make sure that we've properly cleared a business purpose for their access and an employee needs to account for them the whole time they're in there.

Except today.  When 90% of our clients got into that area by simply pointing toward it and saying, "I need to go in there."  Literally verbatim.

Psssst! Dory....

There's a lock on that door for a reason, asshead!


If we wanted the entire city of Phoenix traipsing through this area, we would just prop the door open and put out a Welcome mat.  You are doing the exact opposite of what any person with an I.Q. above 'drooling and diaper change' level would assume.  In fact, if you were missing one more brain cell, you would be a Hilton sister.

Ahhhhh.....

Yes.

I missed this.

I have been checked out for too long.  I got tired of writing in circles about the frustrating times at work.  I thought that, if I stopped giving myself a passive outlet for diffusing the majority of my anger, that I would learn how to focus it fully on what really matters: setting things right around the office.

Not so much.

What's that old maxim?  You can lead a horse's ass to water....or something.  For all my trouble, I am now an expert with reasoning with brick walls.

For best results, create your own audience of Papaya Guys.

So, I'm back with some of your old favorite characters: MisManager, EmployeeVonMunchausen and Jailbait.  Over the last few months, there have been some new additions to the happy family.  Meet:

SchoolGirl
I seriously love this girl to death.  MisManager is hellbent on hating her to death.  She goes to school on days and during times when MisManager wants her there the most -- no matter when her classes are.

CoffeeBitch
He's a good dude.  He probably deserves a better nickname, but I dubbed him this in his first post appearance.  He's studying to be a doctor right now.  Even after he gets his M.D., though, he will be Dr. CoffeeBitch.  That's how this works.

TruckStop
An unpolished girl with a heart of gold.  10k gold.  I think I like her best, because she's the only person I've ever met that can out-awkward me in a conversation.  That is extremely hard to do.

Goldfish (or 50-First-Days ... I haven't decided yet)
Our new security guy.  He has been on the job for over a week now.  I have explained his job to him every single day.  At least twice.  He still doesn't get it.  I wonder if he just likes the attention or if he's related to Dory.

Maybe his new nickname will just be Dory.  I'll choose by the next time I have to write about him.

Which should be tomorrow.

When a Cracked writer issues this warning...

Warning: Don't watch this video. Just fucking don't.

Read more: 6 Progressive Parenting Fads You Won't Believe Are Legal | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19344_6-progressive-parenting-fads-you-wont-believe-are-legal.html#ixzz1Tphf23bD

...pay attention.

I made it through 1:11 of this video before I couldn't look anymore.

Oh, and I highly recommend you don't watch this...unless you're a boxer and you need to psych yourself out to pound the shit out of someone.  Then it's okay.

This whole last week, I've been pissed off because Blogger wasn't working.  I kept getting an error message after logging in.  I was so sure Blogger had another meltdown.  Then, as time passed and there was no change, I thought, "I wonder what would happen if I tried to log in using a different browser..."

Fuck you Chrome.  If you don't like my blogs, you could at least have the decency to say something to my face.  We coulda talked this out like adults.  Hell, I'm stumped for material half the time anyway, so you and me, we coulda been partners.

But no.

You made your choice to fuck me over instead.  I don't even think I have anything to do with this.  I think you're just jealous because Blogger is getting more attention than you.  You know what?  You're both mediocre Google products.  That's a stronger common tie than Breakfast at Tiffany's.  You need to get over this and start talking to each other again.