Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Friday, May 28, 2010

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen:

You know, when cartoons want to portray a nasty stench coming off of someone, they draw the stink lines.  Sometimes it's a stink cloud or a stink fog.  This was based off of the two of you in real life.   You all were the worst smelling people I have ever had the displeasure to encounter in my entire life.  This would include the homeless guy who lives in our dumpster.

You obviously haven't bathed for months.  While some might applaud your water conservation efforts, they would stop applauding and keel over dead if they came within 5 feet of you.

Let's start with your heads.  Dandruff is gross enough, black dandruff is terrifying.  Like they could write that shit into horror movies.  If either of you looked like you've worked a day in your life, I might give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it's, like, tar or something, but you've obviously not been in public for quite some time.

Your foreheads had thick, chunky layers of gray.  Your clothes would sicken maggots.  But it was your feet that will haunt my dreams for years, Mr. Pigpen.  Curling yellow and black talons on toes that were all pointing at one another.  The rest of the foot looked like a cross between an ad for Hobbit Lamisil and the before pictures from Ped Egg.

I dared not look at your face when you smiled or talked.  I can just imagine the putridness emanating from your mouth.  The concept alone will help me fast for a week.

Before you stop by to see us next, please call and let us know.  I'll have the boys put on some hazmat suits and meet you at the door.


Anonymous said...

Where did you meet these stenchy folks? Did they come into your work?

Reminds me of when a guy came in to apply one time. He smelled SO bad it was very, very hard to not have it show on my face and not retch. Seriously. And then, he proceeded to fill out the application in our front office lobby, which was separated from my area only by a non-airtight sliding glass window. I closed the window... but the stink came through. What was really bad was when the plant manager came back from lunch. He immediately walked into the front door, into the lobby, and came in the interior door, calling out, "What is that smell, do you smell it, I think we have broken sewer line!" And I'm like, "Uhhhhh..." and motioned him over and said, "It's that guy out there." Poor plant manager looked shocked and horrified that it was possible. Once the guy left, we had to open the windows and air out the office. It was freaking disgusting, and unbelievable. Even if you're homeless, you can get an occasional shower at places. If you're going to apply for a job, don't come in smelling like... I don't know what, but I NEVER want to smell it again!


Awesomeness said...

Yeah, Wen, they came into my work. I actually felt bad for MisManager because she ended up getting shut away in her office with them at one point.

We get a lot of smelly people at our work, but this couple seriously needed a decontamination session. I'm not sure soap and water would do them any good anymore.

Eisenherz said...

Oh, man, reminds me of one of my 'friends'. Nicest guy ever, but he has no clue what a shower is. I love talking to him, as long as it's online. Away from my nose. I cracked up reading this and had to follow your blog. Great work, I love it! :D