Tool Selection

Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Monday, May 17, 2010

The Eye Exam (Or How Mr. A Almost Died This Weekend)

Saturday was my annual* eye exam.  I dread them because I'm just waiting for the time when the optometrist tells me I can no longer wear my contacts.  It hasn't come yet, but I know it's around the corner and I'm going to stockpile contacts like crazy cry a lot and put my damn glasses on.

This year I also made an appointment for Mr. Awesomeness.  He hasn't had his eyes checked since his exam for the Army and that was in 1996.  He's always had better than 20/20 vision, but lately he's been complaining that his vision isn't as sharp as he's used to.  I thought it was past time for him to go see the doctor.

Mr. A went first, and while he was getting his exam, the doctor's assistant did all the fun tests with me, like the glaucoma test and that shitty test where you have to click the button when you see squiggly lines.

I really hate that test.  The squiggle test.  What the fuck is that all about?  They tell you to concentrate on a dot in the middle of the screen while little squiggly lines randomly flash up.  My vision starts to go gray about every 5 seconds and I have to close my eyes for a second to clear it.  Then I get all paranoid that I missed some squiggles, so I click the button about every 3 seconds or so whether or not I see the lines.

In order to perform the tests, they asked me to take my contacts out.  After it was over, they had me leave the contacts out and take a seat until the doctor was ready to see me.  Now I'm sitting in the waiting area completely blind.  At least the staff thought it was funny.  When it was time for me to be seen, the assistant says, "I know you can't see me right now, but just follow the bright white blob."  Ha ha, very funny motherfucker.

My eye exam took longer than usual.  It took me a while to fill the doctor in on all my previous eye drama, eye drop allergies, etc.  Also, for some reason, the squiggly line test produced some "interesting" results....(whoops!) so she had to measure my vision in my left eye using manual tools.  Then she squirted dye in my eyes because she wanted to see my scars. (My eyeballs are totally macho.)  All together, my exam took about an hour.

I thought for sure that Mr. A would be totally ready to go when I got out.  Nope.  The ladies at the front counter inform me that he's been waiting for me to be done so I can help him pick out glasses.  Glasses?  Bwahahahahaha!  I asked him, "What did she say you need them for?"

"Well, she didn't really say.  I guess I would just wear them while I'm driving," he said.  What the fuck?  How could she have missed telling him when he would need to wear his prescription?  She seemed like a pretty sharp lady, so I was pretty sure the confusion was all Mr. A's.

Since he was going to wear them for driving, we settled on getting him a pair of prescription sunglasses.  This process includes: looking at every prescription-ready frame at least twice, trying them all on, looking at them in a downward angle, looking at them in an upward angle, testing the hinges.  Old ladies don't put as much effort into this.  When he finally settled on a pair, I had to check my phone to see what year it was.

$55 for the frames and the lenses are covered.  Awesome!  Let's go!!  Nope, we need the special blue tint.  Fuck.  Then he needs some other expensive tint or it's going to fuck up his mojo or something.  Shit.  Then the dipshit lady adding up all of his completely unnecessary add-ons can't work the computer.  Iwillfuckingkillyoulady!!  By the time she was done, it added up to a ridiculous $110.  Ugh.

After an hour and 15 minutes, he's finally checking out.  Oh. My. God.  Finally!  Then out comes the optometrist.  Her day is done.  Or she was retiring.  I couldn't tell.  She was a little surprised that we were still there.  Me too.

After we left, I told him about how my appointment went & I asked him about how bad his eyes were that he needed glasses.

I'm not sure why I need glasses.  She said that my eyes were still at least 20/20.  She only tested for 20/20, though.

So, to recap, I spent an hour and 15 minutes picking out and expensively customizing glasses for a motherfucker who has perfect vision.

I wanted to punch him right then.

*by annual exam, I mean as annually as I remember


*mary* said...

Glasses for 20/20 vision?!

Eye exams are just the best, aren't they? My eye doc is an angry Republican whose Rush Limbaugh mug always makes me have to hide my smirk from her. I haven't been back since I had to sit in her office while she cursed loudly about a crying baby in the waiting room. I'm sure the baby's parent didn't expect to be waiting TWO HOURS! So glad mine had a sitter that day!

Awesomeness said...

I was just as confused about the glasses decision, Mary. It was an obvious ploy to sell more glasses. >:(

I usually don't mind eye exams, but this one had me nervous the longer it went on.

I left out the part where the doctor started wigging out on me in the middle of the exam, convinced that I have glaucoma.

She said that I passed the pressure test, but my left eye vision was concerning her because her huge goggle machine thing didn't work on me.

She wanted me to make a series of follow up visits in which I had my eye pressure taken at various times during the day.

Imagine an entire week of glaucoma tests...I'll let that sink in...

She was even talking about sending me to a specialist. Meanwhile, I'm hyperventilating, thinking that my life is over. OhmygodIhaveglaucoma! I thought I was going to lose an eye and have to sport an eye patch. The rest of the visit I had a picture of myself walking around, looking like a pirate while puffing on medical marijuana.

I would try to pretend like the thought of scoring some MJ legally would be a fun adventure, but I've tried it and it made me horribly sick.

So now I'm eyeless, sick and in pain.

Thankfully, she examined me a lot more in depth and just chalked it up to my eyes rebelling against her equipment.

Arrrr! Catastrophe averted.

Wendigo said...

UGH. We just had our eye exams done last month. Our cheap-ass insurance only covers basic exams at such places as Lenscrafters, Sears, Target Optical, and the like. So we went to Target. It had been at least 10 years since Mr. had his eyes checked. Yep, he needed a new prescription. I didn't, but I wanted new glasses (plan pays for $130 worth of frames) because mine are hideous, so I hate wearing them (I really only need them for distance, like driving, movies, or concerts). So the chick at the place kept trying to talk me into these really ugly frames, AND guess what, they happened to be over the amount that the plan pays more, some by over 50 bucks. WHY are frames so expensive? They're just stupid plastic... anyway, she tried talking the Mr. into these HIDEOUS total nerd glasses, like you would see in some stereotypical movie about nerds! The ones he ended up getting are alright. So yeah, the plan pays for all but 10 bucks of the copay for the exam, $130 of frames, but only $16 bucks worth of the lenses. WTH is the point in paying for frames but not lenses? And for this we pay premiums every month... AND, once I get my glasses? I still find that they look fuckin' ugly... I'm just one of those people who does not look good in glasses, I truly believe it's not just me feeling self-conscioius.