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Could be someone I know, someone I don't know, fictional characters, dead people. I don't care, I'm an equal opportunity complainer when it comes to complete dickwads.

Wherever there's a Complete Tool, I'll follow closely behind with my anonymous bitching. 'Cuz that'll show 'em.

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Monday, May 3, 2010

Tolerable Amounts Of Deadly Particles

I'm not a big fan of doctors.  It's the entire reason that I have to be pretty much dead before I go see one.  Really, my opinion is unfair.  It's mostly based on unreasonable expectations that follow this sort of logic:

It's a doctor's job to save me from death.
Saving people from death is super.
As in superhuman.
Doctors are superhuman.

When they act less than superhuman, it bothers me worse than, say, when a waiter forgets my side of ranch dressing.  Why?  Consequences for lack of ranch dressing are not life-or-death. 

My distaste has been shaped over the years by some not-so-stellar run-ins with medical practitioners.  For instance, when I was 18 years old I decided that I needed to get the Depo-Provera shot.  Even though I didn't have a boyfriend and was certainly not sexually active right then.

Anyhow, one year later I went in for my physical.  I'd gained 30 lbs. and was severely depressed.  After she remarked on my tremendous weight gain, I start crying and looking for some encouragement and guidance from my gynecologist.  Since the only change in my lifestyle I'd made over the last year was the shot, I asked her if stopping the shot would help me lose it all again.  She said:

The shot doesn't make you gain weight.  It just makes you eat more.  And it also causes depression, which also makes you eat more.  Just use some self-control.

Fucking what?!  Apparently this lady flunked Logical Consequences 101 and How To Not Be A Dickhole To People 205.

And now...

My kids were sick last week, so we took them to urgent care. (I think if we visit one more time we get a free toaster.)  They had a constant, high fever for about 4 days, so we were fighting it with Tylenol and Motrin as necessary.

Imagine my horror when both Tylenol and Motrin are recalled by the manufacturer.  We checked the lot numbers and, sure enough, we've been feeding our kids Liquid Death for almost a week.  Terrific.

So, when I took my kids in for their follow up appointment, I explained to the nurse that I was also concerned that they'd been taking these meds.  I was wondering if there were any particular signs I should be on the look-out for.  The nurse had no idea that there even was a recall.

Awesome.  Well, that's okay.  Maybe the memo hadn't gotten around yet.  (I obviously don't know how nurses get their health news.)  Then the doctor comes in and I ask her the same thing.  She says, "Yeah, the nurse was just telling me about that."  Seriously? 

She asked what the recall was for and I told her.  Too much active ingredient, "particles", and inactive ingredients that "don't meet testing standards."

In my head:

Particles = arsenic, napalm, asbestos, semen, uranium, anthrax
Don't meet testing standards = ingredients are too stupid to be in medicine and will kill us all with their ignorance

Then she says:

"Well, it's a good thing that children's doses are established well below their level of tolerance."

I'm sorry, was I supposed to have a smug chuckle with you over that?  My kids have been pumped full of Agent Orange for about a week now and I'm supposed to breathe a sigh of relief because they got it in "tolerable" amounts?

Fucking jerkoff.  

She examined the kids and discovered that my daughter now has an ear infection.  Great!  I thought she was 100% better and ready to go back to school.  Ugh.  I collect the prescription for antibiotics and we're on our way.

I get to the pharmacy near my house -- a 30 minute drive away -- to turn it in when I notice she made the fucking prescription out for my son


doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo doctorsarepeopletoo...


*mary* said...

Wow, I'm sorry. I always seem to have experiences similar to these. Recent ones include the pediatrician giving my severely milk allergic daughter Lactulose for constipation. Hmmm. LAC-tulose. Milk is a main ingredient. Right-o.

And our Urgent Care has actually turned us away MORE THAN ONCE when a certain woman is the one working, simply because she doesn't like to do paperwork I guess. She told us to go to the ER over something commonly cared for at Urgent Care centers and wouldn't even look at my daughter. I can understand for reasons of liability or whatever turning away some cases, but the way she did it was doucheriffic. Oh, and I went back the next day when the NP I usually see is there and he saw her, no problem.

Hope your brood are all well soon.

Awesomeness said...

Thanks Mary!

That lady at your urgent care sounds like she needs this lesson:

Urgent Care = your child sick beyond your capability to help and needs to be seen now by a professional.

Emergency Room = your child is bleeding out her eyes and might die.

This is my criteria anyway.

And, by the way, Blogger is not letting me leave comments on your posts. >:(

Jacob Schott said...

I'm so freaking happy I found this blog. I feel like your posts are written as if you're talking straight to my coworkers.

I have the same experiences with doctors. I always think they're going to smarter and more skilled than they are. Watching House, M.D. doesn't help.

Awesomeness said...

Thanks Jacob! Glad to know I'm not alone on that one.

You also have the advantage of talking about the work-related posts as "just something funny you read on the internet."

Sometimes I wish I was more passive-aggressive. That might be kinda fun.

And your House theory might play into my disappointment a little. I guess I just confuse 'smart' and 'wise'.

Jacob Schott said...

I suppose I am pretty passive-aggressive, but I doubt that would work since my coworkers would even pick up on it. They're not the sharpest set of tools (wordplay!), if you know what I mean.

Awesomeness said...

Ah, I see. You have your work cut out for you, my friend. Good luck!

Candice said...

To be honest, I'm just glad that you were medicating your child that had a fever, with agent orange or not.

I can't tell you the number of fucktards that come in where I work with a febrile child who has had no medication whatsoever.

"Get the fuck out of here and give your kid some Tylenol and Motrin, asshole! It's a goddamn virus, not a medical emergency!"

Is what I would like to say.

By the way, someone alerted me of the tylenol recall as well. You sure you don't live in my town? ;) Like I'm supposed to keep up with all that shit? I don't watch the news anymore since I DVR everything I watch. This leaves me basically retarded on current events.

Awesomeness said...

I only found out because my husband diligently reads the news on MSN. :)

We medicate for fevers to avoid the emergency room / urgent care at all costs.

Hospital / doctor office waiting rooms = Virus Grand Central.

We're freaks about letting them touch anything while they're there too.

Waiting rooms with toys are the worst! What dumb fuck came up with that idea?

"Let's have a bunch of toys out so kids with the plague can put their death germs all over it for other kids to touch!" Yeah. That's a fantastic idea.